Not First on the List

I didn't get the job.
I waited all day Monday for a phone call while I was with Lexi during her difficult time.
Then, I waited all day again yesterday.  No phone call.  But when I got on my email at the end of the day for the first time, there was an email that had been sent earlier that morning, saying the position had been offered to another candidate.
I was disappointed.  But no more so than waiting all day both days for a phone call from Del.
I hate when he goes on business trips, or I'm gone or anything 'by phone' with Del.  I'm always the last thing on his list of 'things to do' for the day.  I feel like an 'obligation' instead of a 'desire'.  I hate it.
I'm feeling lonely enough with some of these things in life that I am dealing with...I don't have him to really talk to because, honestly, he really doesn't listen.  I'm feeling, already, that I'm not 'first on his list' of thoughts, concerns and needs.
This is going to be a long five years.
I guess I better re-focus my need to be the most important thing/person in his life and realize that there will be many times in the next five years that, not only am I going to be sharing him with the Aubrey Ward/ EMC Corp and anyone 'penciled in for an appt.', but for most of the time, I will actually be the last thing on his 'to do list' for the day.

Remind Me to Take a Breath

If nothing changes in the wind, these are the plans for this week.

Monday and Tuesday, today and tomorrow, I am first and foremost, spending my days with Lexi, as she will be taking meds that will put her into labor that will eventually allow her to 'pass' her fetus over the next 24 hours.  This will NOT be a pleasant experience for her.  My heart aches for her and I must be there.  While there, Del will be flying out tonight to Boston, for a four day business trip and I should also be hearing today or tomorrow whether or not Point Bank is offering me the job.
If they DO offer me the job, I should be starting work Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Elaine flies to Utah Wednesday and will let me know ASAP if I will be needing to fly to Utah sooner rather than later.
Del will come home Thursday night.
Lon and Lorraine arrive Friday for a 5 day stay.
Saturday is the new Crossroads Building Open House to the public in which both Del and I have responsibilities - need to get food ready for baby blessing luncheon.
Sunday is Madison's blessing day.

And during all of that, I may need to fly to Utah.

Temple Night

Saturday night was our ward temple night and we invited Jordan and Lexi to go with us.  I was glad we did.  It was nice to have them.
Several times during the session, my thoughts drifted to my father, who almost more than anything, loved being in the temple. It crossed my mind that he will most likely, never attend the temple again.  That brought tears to my eyes.
After the session, I had a short visit with Uncle Bob, who is my daddy's brother.  In conversation with him , I was noticing the same lack of urgency, sadness or level of despair I was feeling in discussing the subject of my father.  At first, I was a little put off, sensing that both he and Aunt Talmage were just a little too 'non-chalant' for my liking, and I wanted them to at least, cry, or something.  But instead, they were so matter of fact, and to their temple business as usual.
The four of us went to Golden Corral for dinner and then a nice drive home.
It wasn't until I got home and was winding down for the night that the conversation with Uncle Bob and Aunt Talmage came back to my mind.  Why weren't they alarmed? Panicked?  Sad?  Trying to figure out what to do in this most despairing of situations?
Because they understand, more than I, that this isn't a sad thing.  Daddy is ready, at any given time, to return to his Father in Heaven.  It's the plan.  It's why daddy came to earth in the first place.  Daddy is not sad....daddy is not panicked...and daddy is not in despair.  Daddy is ready, whenever the Lord says it's time to go.
It's ME who has to get ready.  And I'll be honest, I'm not ready.
Funny thing though...that's not going to matter when it happens.
I don't like that.  You would think that MY feelings would be high up on the list of things to consider when deciding to call my daddy 'home'.
You would think.

Now I Wait

Not because patience is one of my better virtues, but because it is mandated in these circumstances, I now must wait.

First, my job situation.  The first job I interviewed for..Dr. DeFreitas' office - his wife called me back and said they would be waiting to hire, most likely in 10 weeks....4 more weeks for Leanne to deliver baby, then 6 weeks maternity leave...but they WILL be calling.
   Job#2 - I applied at Point Bank and interviewed THREE times this past week there...progressive interviews.  All three interviews and multiple phone calls went VERY well. I think I am probably #1 on the list, but who knows, I could be very surprised and not offered the job.  I should know next Monday or Tuesday and then probably they would want me to start on Wednesday.  But I wait to hear.

Jordan and Lexi have been left with three options on how to deal with the passing of their baby.  Lexi is still carrying the fetus, which is very difficult for her.  The options are to, 1- go in and have a surgical D&C, where they would scrape the uterine wall and remove the remains (expensive and surgery).  2-she can take medication that will cause her to 'go into labor' and miscarry the baby through contractions or 3-she can't wait for nature to takes it's course and let it happen on it's own.  That option means sometimes up to 3-4-5 weeks, she could carry the non-viable fetus.  They really can't afford the D&C, but we would help them if that was the option they chose.  But I think Lexi has decided that she would like to wait days, maybe up to a week, to see if the baby will pass on it's own.  If not, then they would do the medication method.  So, we wait to hear.

It appears my daddy is being moved to a care facility treatment center where my mother has been told he will probably stay, not able to come home again.  She is heart broken.  And when they tell him, it could very well be the tipping point for him too, to where he will no longer desire to live alone, but prefer to die.  His pain level has been so high that he has several times requested 'to go', us not knowing if that means 'go home' to his house, 'go home' to his Father...or what.  The hospital can't do anything more for him, but mom is NOT able to take care of him on her own either.  So we will wait to see what this move will mean for him.  That will happen today.  Sheila and other siblings are up there now.  Elaine will go up next week and stay for two weeks.  Then, depending on the situation, I would then go and stay also.  I am really not able to go until after the blessing of Madison on the 3rd of Feb., but then of course, I would be starting a new job that I would have to ask to postpone until I got back.  So, once again, I wait.

Del and I are going to the temple tonight for our ward temple night.  Jordan and Lexi are going with us.  I am hoping the peace and quiet, and spirit of the temple will give me the opportunity to receive some answers and direction for my life in the next two weeks.  My head hurts from thinking.

So, I will wait to think...until I have to.

In My Spare Time This Week...

Been a VERY busy week, both emotionally and physically...
With my father, Jordan and Lexi, 3 job interviews and multiple phone calls about jobs, church/Bishop support, Kathryn and her dental/job issues...I have been busy.
The best part of my week?  Taking several opportunities to go over to Kylie's and spend time with these two. Aren't they ADORABLE!!???
Madison is getting CHUNKY!!  Mostly in her face because 'newborn' clothes still drown her.  She's still trying to figure the 'sleeping at the right time of day' thing down and has her mom frazzled at times.  And Preston is just Preston - still a 100 mph, talking talking talking, watching videos - IPAD IPAD all the time and learning to adjust to people coming over to his house not to see him, but to see Madi.  I think he knows that, doesn't like it initially, but then realizes it's okay and we love him still.  He's VERY MUCH attached to his daddy now.  He LOVES Mike, especially because of the two weeks Mike was able to spend at home with him right after Madi was born.  Preston really liked that time.

So during this very long week, my three times with these two adorable grandchildren brought me much peace and joy.  I loved being grandma - very relaxing for me.

Sobering Moments

No, he has not passed.
He only sleeps.
But Becca sent me this picture and it dropped me right to my knees.
Denial.  I'm in TOTAL denial.


Then last night, Wednesday, Jordan called us in the early evening to tell us that when Lexi went to her dr's appointment that afternoon, the dr's could not hear a heart beat, so they sent her for an ultrasound only to find that the baby had passed and was no longer viable.  They called her with the news several hours later.
They are heart broken, as are we.
I know no other details as of right now, but I am under the impression that something more may need to be done to 'remove the fetus'.  I will find out some details when I go to visit Lexi today.  Jordan says she is distraught, as I can only imagine.  And in Jordan's sweet manly way, he is trying to be brave and strong for her, hiding the fact that he too, is distraught.

This has been a rough week; as a daughter, as a mother, as a sibling and as a friend.
It's only Thursday and I'm ready to 'call U.N.C.L.E'.
Lord's working overtime in the 'comforting' department this week for me.  I certainly feel His love.
Now, to try and share it with Lexi.

Mother is Always Right

My mother reads my blog.
I know that because she has told me she does, but sometimes, she also comments to me about some things that I write.
For instance, two days ago, I received an email from her saying that one of the quotes I had written in one of my posts, she was pretty sure I had 'mis-quoted', but she had been known to be wrong in her life once or twice.
I replied by telling her I would have to now research her correcting of my quote, because I could just not imagine MY mother EVER being wrong.
And she's not...of course she's not.
My quote:  The dullest pencil is better than the sharpest mind. (as told me by Del).
The correct quote: The dullest pencil is better than the sharpest MEMORY.

Thank you Mother.
I stand corrected.

'Humpty Dumpty Sat on a Wall'

My daddy 'had a great fall' today.
Apparently, he spent the morning with my two sisters, Sheila and Becca, when they went over to dad's to visit and play games.  Then, when they left, he told mom he needed to go take something out to the garage.  She told him not to, but he did anyways, and after a few minutes, when he hadn't come back in the house, she went out to check on him.  She found him unconscious, at the bottom of the garage stairs, lying in a puddle of blood.
She called Becca and then 911.  Becca and Sheila got there just after the ambulance and paramedics arrived and heard them say that the situation 'did not look good' as they called in to see where they needed to transport a 'trauma patient'.  I guess that if a patient is unconscious when they leave the scene, they are taken to a trauma hospital - so they transported daddy to Murray, which is on the other side of the point of the mountain.  He didn't regain consciousness until much later.  This was about the time Becca called me and gave me THAT much information.
I didn't hold it together quite as well as I had hoped I would.  I panicked a little, called Elaine and let her know, and then we had a waiting game the rest of the day waiting for information to come in from Utah.
As the updates trickled in from different siblings, it was established that daddy had a severe skull fracture/concussion, a broken jaw and several broken ribs.  The bleeding was coming from his right ear and there was slight hearing loss due to swelling and pressure on the brain.  Because daddy had taken some significant pain medication in the morning (hydrocodone) due to previous discomforts, he was not feeling the obvious pain he should have been experiencing, and so was giving the doctors a false sense of comfort.  He was wanting to sleep, keep his eyes closed, and even when the doctors went to check him for something, he vomited all over, causing himself embarrassment, all signs of a serious head injury.  In order to assess the seriousness and severity of the head injury, they will be doing more xrays tomorrow - cat scan and or MRI, and then possible consider transferring him to re-hab facility closer to home.  My mother was NOT thrilled about that option, complaining that she would prefer to have him home for her to take care of him.  But my sisters had to gently remind her that she was in NO position to walk/carry him to the bathroom, assist him in anything much more than bringing him food and that it would be best for him to have the constant medical care he was going to need to completely and fully recover.  Of course, this is all preliminary; we don't know if or when he will be in any position to leave to go anywhere.
Becca has been able to at least, reassure me that she thinks his 'passing' is not in the near future, unless something takes a terrible turn for the worse; a brain bleed, pneumonia or improper healing.  There could be a possibility of a few other things, factoring in daddy's age and previous ailments and conditions, but as it stands at the immediate moment, he's in for a LONG process of healing and re-hab.
But 'healing' is much better than the alternative!!!  In today's drama, I was made aware that I am in no way, shape or form, ready for the possibility of my father or mothers passing.  Just not ready...ever.  I talked to them just this morning...and then last Saturday night...and then the few days before that...and I'm just not ready.  Am I supposed to be?  How do I DO that?  I don't know how to DO that.  So, I'm not.

The job situation:
The dr's office where I interviewed has decided that they are not going to hire right now, waiting for Leanne (LDS girl) to have her baby and then come back in 6 weeks, at which time, if they are still wanting to make the changes they have expressed, they will call me.  If I do not have another job, I will accept their offer and go to work for them.
Of course, Del feels the financial crunch and having not known that I was going to quit so abruptly without another job, he paid extra,  in advance, several of our monthly bills.  Without my income to cover those payments, we're going to have a 'cash crunch'.  And because the dr's office MAY decide to do something differently, I can't take the chance that in 6 weeks, they will need me at all.
I really felt that job would work out...so I've been questioning some things, like 'what is Heavenly Father trying to teach me..?  Faith?  Patience?'  Not sure...But in the meantime, yesterday, I filled out an application for a job at the PointBank office right here in Aubrey.  I've never worked in a bank, but I thought I would give it a shot.  The HR manager called me today, right before Becca called and said that they were interested, felt I had the qualifications desirable in the job and asked if I would take one more step before interviewing; that being, take a personality survey he would email to me, to see if my personality would be compatible with the office atmosphere already there.  I did that tonight and sent it.  I should hear back from him tomorrow.
The pay is not as good as the dr's office, but it's 4 minutes away and can eventually be the same pay I would START with at the dr's office.  Of course, Del and I are weighing our options...
Emotional roller coaster day....big sighs....

'The Dullest Pencil...'

I had to ask Del what the actual quote is...
I think he said it was ..'The dullest pencil is better than the sharpest mind.'
I tend to write down quotes, sayings and thoughts that I see or come across on bumper stickers, Pintrest or Facebook cuz I don't want to forget them or I actually want to implement them into my living experience.
So, here are a few I want to remember...

'Well Behaved Women rarely make history.'

'Don't end up unhappy because you made a permanent decision on a temporary emotion.'

'Insanity does NOT run in my family... it strolls through, takes it's time, and gets to know everyone personally.'

'The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited or erased; it can only be accepted.'

'For it was not into my ear you whispered but into my heart.  It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.'

'You are about to exceed the limits of my medication.'

'I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.'

'Kindness is just love with its work boots on.'

'When you're happy, you enjoy the music - but when you're sad, you understand the lyrics.'

'I might not be someones first choice, but I am a great choice.
 I may not be rich but I am valuable.
 I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me.
 I might not be proud of some of the things I've done n the past. but I am proud of who I am today.
 I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be.  I am loved just the way I am.'

Our Family Motto for 2013

When Del and I were brought in to the Stake Presidents office in December and Del was extended the calling of Bishop, it humbled us and softened our hearts to the realization, that our Heavenly Father truly does love us, trusts us and is very aware of us as His children.  Me, more so than Del.  Del has a very very personal relationship with his Heavenly Father, one that I have always admired and stood in awe of...because of the effort HE has made to let his Heavenly Father know he loves Him and His gospel.  I have not always had that relationship with the Father...my fault, of course, and lack of effort to make it that way.  Until the past year.  And, I can finally say, that over the past year, I have finally found myself sufficiently humbled and in need of an eternal relationship with my Heavenly Father.  And I have made some changes.
After the call, Del and I spent many days in discussing our life style, our commitments to the Lord, our desires to live a life of service and obedience to Him and the way we wanted to represent Him in the Aubrey Ward.  Del expressed some of his personal desires, I expressed a few of mine, and between the two of us, we came up with OUR family motto...Del's and mine.
Our main theme or motto would be the following:
  "All things work together for the good
   of those who love the Lord."
And the way we would accomplish that motto and belief would be through doing the following four things:
   1.  Love God
   2.  Be Nice
   3.  Be Grateful
   4.  Work Hard

We feel blessed already as we have implemented all these things in our living day by day.  I have faltered, on occasion, to be nice, especially in my place of work, to the point, that I knew something had to change.  I was finding it more and more difficult to be patient and understanding of differences and inabilities of others at work to the point that I was outright mean to some co-workers.  I needed to leave.
It was going to happen sooner or later as the long drives, low pay and frustrations were becoming less and less acceptable.  So, I quit.  But through it all, I am more relieved than sad about the whole thing as it now gives me an opportunity to be where I need to be instead. I remained quiet about it until the following Monday, three days ago, when I finally put that I was 'job hunting' on facebook.  I was immediately contacted by a previous Aubrey Ward member that had moved months ago.  She said her office was hiring and would I send her my resume.  I interviewed there yesterday...and it was a very good interview - a 'slam dunk' in her words.  BUT, the kink in the works???  The friend, Leanne, who would be doing the training for my position, went into labor and is now in the hospital - so there is no-one to train me.  They want to hire me but find themselves in limbo until they know what Leanne is doing baby wise...as she is only 34 weeks, and they are trying to stop her labor.  The doctor she works for is an Ear, Nose and Throat doctor.  I would be the receptionist.  Monday through Thursday 8-5, Friday's half day - takes me 15 minutes to get there and a raise of over $2/hr from my previous job.  It is...ideal.
Limbo.
Del reminded me of our motto.  'All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord.'
So, patience now falls into place.  Patience and a desire to know the Lord's timing.  May all fall into place quickly and I may start next week.  But then again, it may be another week..maybe two.  Maybe another job.  I do not know yet.
Yet.  But hopefully soon.  Much prayer, faith and living our motto.
I feel blessed.

The 3rd Time in as Many Months

Del is sick....again...STILL.
I don't know about this.  I think it's the flu, but I don't know if it's the flu AGAIN.  I think it's turning into the flu this time.
But Del, being Del, thinks it's 'just a cold' - or 'the same old thing', where his MS affects his lungs.  I don't care WHAT he wants to call it, or WHO he wants to blame it on, I think he needs to go see a doctor.  And I think he needs a blessing and some rest.  He will be useless as the Bishop if he can't function.
What he needs is...a swift kick in the backside and a direct order to slow down - take the time to get better and get on the medication his body needs.
But what do I know?  I'm just the Bishop's wife.

It Was Time

And it was a 'one person' job being occupied by two people; one who knew what she was doing and one who was NEVER going to know what she was doing.
And I was Beat Down...and getting awnry...and not nice.  I was gone from home 13 hours a day, working a very low paying job, but I liked most of the people I was with.  But the two I was having a difficult time with?  Well, one is the office manager, who as a person, is wonderful and nice and all, but as an office manager?  Uh...NO!  But not going to pick her to death now.  The other was the new girl hired as a tech, but we came to find she wasn't a tech...so of course, made a receptionist, which BTW, she's not either.  And she was sucking the life out of me...and I was not being very nice.  I needed to leave.
So, I did.
Friday, I quit.
I came home, cleaned house, made a great dinner for my family and relaxed.  Then yesterday, I spent the morning with Del, planting tulips and daffodils in our front yard, doing laundry, made another wonderful family dinner, and then went over to spend 3 hours with my two sweet grand children.
I am calm.  It was going to happen sooner or later...just happened sooner than I had planned...and now, I will need to go find something else..hopefully closer to home and better paying.
I have a very supportive husband, family..I'm disappointed in myself to see the areas in which I was unkind and let the working situation be a reason to be not nice to someone.  I shouldn't have done that.  I gossiped, I said unkind things and I walked out on some very nice people.
Could it have been done differently?  Of course, and probably should have been...
But, I'm afraid I wasn't going anywhere fast, except deeper and deeper into my black, moody hole.
Now, I have a new start, with lessons learned from the last experience.
It was time.

The Writing is NOT on the Wall

I'm turning 53 today.  Happy Birthday to me.
I've read a lot of great motto's and quotes over the past few days that I would love to implement in my life during this next year.  Most of them follow the theme of 'becoming the best me' and 'being better than ever'...etc..etc.  And one of them that I liked the most was about learning to distinguish wants from needs and trials and blessings.
Then, I heard this one this morning and felt it was something I wanted to engrave in my heart and mind...

'Write my troubles in sand
  and my blessings in stone.'

My blessings far out number my troubles and for this, I am grateful for another year.
My daughter in law Lexi went to the doctor today and it appears we are going to have another grandbaby the beginning of August.  They told us at Christmas time but Lexi will be announcing it on facebook later tonight, now that she has everything confirmed by the doctor and things look good.  We are so very excited for them...and us.  It will be another fun and exciting year.

'Mustin' Forget' Bullet Points

* Del conducted his first Sacrament Meeting as Bishop - cracked a few 'funnies'.

* Del got a new Rotor Tiller for Christmas - a BIG one...power tool (argh argh)

* Stopped by Mike and Kylie's to see Madi a few nights - she is sooo adorable.

* Kathryn came down with the flu - actual test was positive - 5 days on antibiotic and in bed!

* BYU basketball games...we're really good this year and should have a winning season.

* Celebrated Kathryn's 20th birthday on Monday - the 7th.  No longer a teenager, so got her a new iPhone.

* Shirley (Del's mother), left to go back home today after a 3 week visit.  Nice to have her here.

* Kylie has taken 'newborn' photos of Madi that she is going to edit and then post for us to see...can't wait!

* Announced our ward would be meeting in the new building starting Jan 20th at 11:00 a.m.  My new  
    Primary class is the little 8 year olds in the ward.

'Drop ANOTHER 20!!!'

YES, I had my annual visit to my doctor.
And YES, he said I had to drop another 20 pounds.  But I guess I should be more specific....I had lost 40 pounds when I went to the doctor last year and my numbers looked good!!!  My cholesterol AND my triglycerides were perfect...
Not so much this year.  I gained 12 pounds back!!  But more than that, my numbers were no longer great. Even though they weren't as bad as before, they weren't acceptable anymore either.  So, the doctor mandated that I lose 20 pounds...the 12 I gained back and another 8 to boot!!  ARGH!  And then he also put me on a cholesterol medication that I have to take for three months, then have my enzyme level checked to make sure the dosage is good, and then back on the meds.
SOOOOOO....disappointing, I know.  I really thought I would keep this weight off...but I have not only quit walking and doing any exercise whatsoever, but I also started back eating not such great stuff.  So, I have to be good, again...STILL - forever and forever the rest of my life.  KILL me now!!!
Kathryn is wanting to lose weight to though.  So we are going to cut out all junk food and try to get back to walking every day and taking the time to get back in shape.  I felt so good last year.  I want that feeling again.
The 'DROP 20' campaign has begun...
Today...
okay, no...
TOMORROW!!!

KARMA

I believe in karma; the concept of 'what goes around, comes around'.
I've started this list...really, I've started TWO lists.
A GOOD Karma list, and a BAD Karma list.
And THIS year, 2013, will be the 'Year of Karma'.
In most cases, I don't, or WON'T get joy out of the Karma that will be enforced.
But with a few, a slight few, I will have the following motto:
     'When Karma comes back to kick you in the backside,
       I wanna be there, just in case it needs help.'

And to those few...'You were warned, and you should have known.'

Delivery Room Photographer

Kylie asked me to take pictures in the delivery room.
These are only a few of them, but the best one's, I think.
I'll identify them later....too late tonight.

Welcome to 2013

New experiences to be had, new memories to make, new stories to tell, new people to meet, new friends to make, new growth to experience, new places to go, new things to see, new knowledge to learn, new grandchildren to welcome, new love to enjoy, new 'firsts' to try, new faith to exercise, new hope for my future and new dreams to achieve.
So much to do...I better get started!!
Happy New Year!!!