A Lott 2 Be Thankful 4: August 2013

Not my favorite year so far.
In fact...it has STUNK!!!
But unlike before, I have not taken the time to write down every up and down emotion that I have been experiencing over the past 5 months or so...instead, I've been letting them brew...thinking and hoping that they would pass and just change...or go away...or....
Well, they haven't - or hadn't. But finally, last week, the brewing and boiling and festering finally came to a head and the top blew off the volcano. A lot of the feelings and emotions had me completely confused - stumped, as to why they were so significant - emotions over events and things that should have seemingly, been unemotional....really...I'll explain.
Our garden was a failure...an 'epic fail', as it would be called in today's vocabulary. And I have taken it really hard - personally - emotionally -. It wasn't just the physical time, energy and work put in to the garden, but I was invested emotionally, financially and yes, even spiritually. I don't know if that would ever make sense to anyone else but me and Del, but we were trying to be obedient to a commandment of having a refuge and place that we could turn to for self reliance - that the Lord would bless us for our obedience to His command of having a garden. So, I felt betrayed of the harvest - the results from our obedience. I felt I had done my part - but that the Lord had bailed on His part. Yeah, pretty strong feelings.
Then, my dad passed away. But that whole experience was peaceful for me - unexpected and sooner than I truly thought it would be, but I was really at peace with the sequence of events and the way the Lord seemed to comfort all of us involved, especially my mother. I was more grateful for the whole 4 months of my father's fall, his decline and eventual passing than any regret that could have been there. It happened as I would have hoped it to happen.
My new job....hell. It has been the worst. I have regretted the walking away from my previous job at the veterinary office instead of being patient and having another job first. Then, to have this banking job has been the worst. I hate it...or did. I have fought tooth and nail being a teller 'out in the lobby', in front of the customer, mainly because I didn't know some of the essential things I would have to do, some of the procedures I would need to perform. So, for the over 90 days I have been there, my head teller and manager have been wanting me to be out in the lobby - mainly because of my minimal Spanish speaking skills, and it would require me to slow down and not make too many mistakes. But, I liked my cocoon back with Nichole, doing transactions where people couldn't see me. But that came with it's own trials.
Nichole is 20 years old...much like Kathryn when it comes to certain things. I can make her laugh - I'm like her mother - she's been very good as a teller for me, but as a person...well - her language is the worst. Every other word is vulgar - swearing - nasty - very difficult to hear day in and day out. And her music is worse. VERY difficult to listen to; sometimes not music at all, just techno screaming and vulgarity throughout the whole song...and playing right in my ear - day in, day out - 9 hours a day. I was going home with a massive headache EVERY day and a total loss of the spirit. My soul was being sucked out of my body and I was gradually dying.
So last weekend, I prayed...and really addressed the issue with the Lord of what I should, or COULD do, to make my life livable again. I needed something to change - it had to change, I was so unhappy - so literally miserable and going downhill fast. The answer came - pretty obvious - and pretty easy - switch to the lobby. I went in to work the following Monday and pulled my head teller aside and told her, I needed to be switched to the lobby. She grabbed me in a huge hug and thanked me for the decision.
It's been over a week now, and things are as they should be. I'm learning the new transactions I have to do, I'm listening to beautiful music in the lobby - no swearing - calmness and peace. Things are better. I miss Nichole as far as laughing - but not the rest. I can endure the new situation now, at least through the end of the year when a new job opportunity will present itself....(to be explained later).
And finally - Lacey.
I keep trying to tell myself that 'she was just a dog'. But that doesn't help, at all. Del and I are both realizing what an intricate part she played in our lives for over 10 years. And I miss her - being everywhere - . For weeks, each time I have turned on to our street coming home from work, I have heard her, in my mind, being hit by the truck, crying out and then seen her limping off the road to lay on the grass. This loss has been very difficult for me. I'm sad.
One other thing - my calling in the Primary. A little bit of a struggle for me. Seems VERY unorganized - unplanned - new President trying so many new things to try and boost the moral of the Primary program; and it seems she's trying to do it all on her own. I am trying to be of help, when she asks or allows, but otherwise, I feel like a spectator watching the crumbling of a very unstable building. Patience and love are tugging at my desire to go in and try to take it over with a fury and dictatorship. I'm wanting to be more behind the scenes...at the piano - or secretary - or something that doesn't require a result for everyone to judge.
All these 'bullet points' have been my past 6-8 months of struggle. They probably shouldn't have been as difficult as I have made them...but with them and the adjusting to having Del be Bishop, my children and their new situations - Kylie with a new baby, Jordan and Lexi losing a baby and now moving in with us next month - and then Kathryn....all of it has been??? Well, emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially draining for me. I'm feeling old - at age 53 - old. I have aches and pains - my shoulders, elbows, feet, legs - I'm feeling arthritis settling in. The ten pounds I've put back on feel like 20 and look like 50 and I'm 'going gray' every 3 months instead of the every 6 month coloring I was getting away with two years ago.
I shared it all with Del. It was nice to 'cry it out', express it all and have him listen with a very non -judgemental ear. It was even interesting to hear him share some of the same feelings. His main advice for us? He wants us to be content with our lives - the changes - the failures and the successes - he feels it's important that we be content with what the Lord has truly blessed us with and continue to work towards our goals and dreams. But to be content. Appreciative - grateful.
I will - I am -