I Could Have Used a Xanax, or Two!!

My 'scary monster' reared it's ugly head last night.
Anxiety.  Panic Attack.  Melt down.
I don't even have a prescription for Xanax; not that I think  it would have helped last night.
Soft Swirlz was invited to an Open House last night in McKinney.  It's the venue where Jordan works, so instead of Del going, I was assigned to go and Jordan would help out and then stay to do the cleaning afterwards. I'm usually okay with those situations, especially because I have been doing the most recent events on my own anyways.  I had no reason to be nervous.
I followed Jordan over to the event.  He took a back road; a 'shorter way' that he takes every night when he goes.  I didn't pay much attention to the various turns and switchbacks, figuring I would just follow my google maps on the way back home, but it got us to the venue in record time.  We had everything set up in record time, with Jordan being in charge of the machine and I was in charge of the table decor and supplies. By 5:45, we were ready for the first guests to arrive at 6:00p.m.
And they did. 
We had a steady flow of brides and grooms coming through and we were serving our yummy ice cream and giving our 10 minute 'pitch' to each couple with great reviews.  Jordan was mostly dispensing the ice cream, but on the occasion that I needed to dispense, I would.  I didn't notice, until about the 3-4th time though, that we were using our oldest machine; one that I hadn't used in probably over a year.  It was one of the quieter machines and has our nice logo on it, but it's my least favorite in that it's harder to monitor the temperature on it for the flow of ice cream.
About an hour in to the evening, the machine started freezing up, not allowing the ice cream to dispense evenly.  Jordan started trying to adjust the temperature.  My heart started racing.  The more Jordan tried to fix things, the worse it got to where, finally, it just completely froze up and nothing would come out.
I needed a Xanax; badly.  I was trying SOOO desperately to not panic in front of Jordan and allow him to be in control.  I could feel my heart just racing.  I called Del, trying to get any type of relief I could as to how to fix things.  He tried to walk Jordan through things - nothing worked.  We had guests that we were not able to serve ice cream to and asking to' return as soon as we had the machine working again'.  Jordan was frustrated and embarrassed.  I had gone outside several times to hide my panic from Jordan and allow him space to think clearly without seeing his mother have a melt down. I called Del again, only to frustrate him too, knowing he couldn't help us and hung up on him.  I was offering up desperate prayers to Heavenly Father to give Jordan some type of clarity as to how to resolve our situation. It was for a solid 20-30 minutes that this situation was our chaos before Jordan finally had things back under control. 
But that 20-30 minutes changed me into a completely different person from the confident and supportive companion Jordan had been working with hours before, to an observing owner of Soft Swirlz and I couldn't function.  The tasks I did do were robotic.  My conversations with guests were confusing and I was missing details and warmth.  I was useless.
By the time it was 9:00 p.m., Jordan was still visiting with some other vendors in the room and within 10 minutes, I had everything packed up and ready to get out of there.  I was even racing the machine to the car, ready to pack it up myself when Jordan slowed me down to help with it and said, 'Wow, mom, I know you want to leave, but let me get this heavy stuff for you'.  He had no idea how badly I wanted to leave. With everything in the car, I said my goodbyes and thank you's to Jordan and was driving out of the parking lot like a crazy lady.  I realized I needed to stop and take a moment to get my head on straight, as I had no clue how to get home.  Jordan had kindly put the way home on my google maps, so I took the time to pull it up, say a calming prayer, and drove home.  There were definitely some sharp turns and unexpected detours that I hadn't remembered, and I'm pretty sure I got some really good 'air' going over the railroad tracks at 75mph.  THAT flight did bring me to a realization that I wanted to make it home in one piece, so I slowed things up and tried to breathe deeply to calm my racing heart. 
The icing on the anxiety cake came as I pulled into the driveway and the garage was closed.  I was needing to back into the garage to unload the machine and MY garage door opener was in Kathryn's car.  This meant I was going to have to get out of the car, go in the house, open the garage door and THEN back into the garage.  I went to the front door.  It was locked.  My keys were still in my car.  GROWL!!!!  I stomped to the back door where I see through the window Del, Kathryn and Ammon playing Boggle.  I opened the back door LOUDLY and slammed it closed.  Del asks 'what's wrong' and I answer LOUDLY that the garage door is closed, lacing each work with TOTAL aggravation and inconvenience.  I open the garage door, back the car in, and begin unloading everything.  Del comes out and tries to have a conversation that I refuse to be a part of and I silently put everything away.
Back in my quiet place, I have removed my make up, undressed and sit in this safe haven of my office and TRY to decompress from the monster that has taken over my body.  I'm angry over the experience I have had.  I'm overcome by the fear I experienced and the anxiety I was living through.
I'm angry that I didn't know how to fix things and that if Jordan hadn't been there, the TOTAL disaster I would have been left to deal with. 
The emotions are overwhelming and I spend hours last night, trying to relieve my body and mind of the anxiety attack that took over.  Now this morning, I'm calm.  Sleepless and tired, but I'm finally calm.
I'm too old for this.  Anxiety and panic attacks should only be for the young.  You would think that I have been through and experienced enough in my life, that I would fear nothing and be able to cope with all emotions and situations without having an anxiety/panic attack; RIGHT??
WRONG!

Best of Times on Blackjack Oaks Road

Our family LOVES the fall in our backyard.
We love all things leaves falling, bonfires, samores, scones, games, chickens, coats, sweaters, hats , scarves, Papa, and spooky scary storytelling.
Some of our best memories made are in the backyard at Papa and Nana's house.
And these are some pictures of just the beginning of the fall of 2019.

GUILTY

Someone got caught with his spoon in the ice cream bowl!!!

Soft Swirlz is Spreading It's Joy

We're not as busy as Del would like us to be, but we ARE getting our name out there!!
We have about 4-5 events a month now and are taking in a small income monthly and lately, it's been ME doing most of the events.  I hate the prep time, the traveling time and the take down time..  But once I'm there, I enjoy the interaction with the guests.  I end up exhausted but glad for the memory.
I forget to take pictures of every event, but these are the most recent events we have done.

Saturday with the Lott's

Jordan and Lexi love to sneak over with the kids for 2-3 hour spurts of fun and memories.
This past Saturday, they came over and we had a variety of memories made -
pumpkin decorating, recording sessions and the movie for Evie.
They also helped Del with some gardening and weeding of the front yard before we went over to their house and Del helped with a little of their backyard projects too.
It's always fun to spend time with family.

A Pill That's Hard to Swallow

Kylie has decided to leave the church.
She no longer believes in the doctrine and teaching of the church, no longer believes in the book of Mormon and does not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.
It has been weeks in the coming and even a year or so of her researching and learning information provided by some who have previously left the church and other apostates.  But she had hinted of it during the past few weeks, but officially discussed her decision with Del and me last night.
We are, of course, saddened by her decision and have discussed our feelings and thoughts between each other for a month, knowing this was coming.  We are resigned to the fact that she no longer believes, feel she's lost her focus on the Savior and Heavenly Father and is gravitating towards something that now relieves her of covenants and laws.  You know, if you remove God from your life, you are left with the laws of man and she feels more comfortable meeting the expectations of man than God.  She has just read and chooses to believe those readings of others that has left her with doubts of the truthfulness of church details.  I understand, but it has changed her life of faith, to a life of what others profess to be untold truths. 
Mike remains with his testimony of the gospel and his desires to live his covenants with God.  I'm glad Mike loves Kylie and we pray their marriage will survive this change.  Only 18% of marriages survive a spouse leaving the church.  The statistics show 82% end in divorce.
In Del's and my discussions, we are grateful for the gift of agency and choices.  I expressed to Kylie last night that I only want her to have joy with her husband, her children and in her life.  I was sad that she had chosen a different path to have that joy, but that in this earthly life, I want us to be a joyful and loving family.  I want us to care for each other, make memories and share life's experiences together surrounded by an abundance of love and support of finding happiness. It's just going to be on different paths.
Kylie is a good person.  She has just changed her focus from that of loving God first .  She has removed God from her life.  She has no relationship with her Heavenly Father or his Son, Jesus Christ.  She finds joy somewhere else.  But she is trying to be a good person aside from that.  Whether or not she will be able to find that joy, has yet to be seen.
I have my doubts she will ever have true joy again.

Moroni 7 - Who is MY Judge??

One of my biggest weaknesses has always been in the judging of others choices and actions.  I can't help but wonder why someone is not wearing their garments, or chooses to do certain activities on the Sabbath Day or make certain comments at church that give pause of concern.
Last Saturday, while Del and I were serving ice cream at the Aubrey Peanut Festival, several members of the church came by our booth to get ice cream and it was obvious, by their dress, that they were not wearing garments.  Del and I both made comments about it to each other.  I have noticed in facebook posts of certain members, that several of their pictures are taken while not wearing their garments.  Both Jordan and Kylie don't wear their garments during certain activities but fail to put them on after the activities are done. 
But these people are all, still, good people.
But they are not keeping covenants.  But not my place to judge?
No, not my place to judge.
My scripture study today  finally got me out of the book of Ether, the final chapters ending in the same blood and carnage of millions that were slaughtered in wars due to unrighteousness: That the Lord had ceased to abide with them.  I am now in Moroni where the spirit has once again, given comfort to my soul as the sacrament prayers are introduced and meetings are held with the spirit of the Holy Ghost. 
And now, in chapter 7, it explains how the Spirit of Christ allows us to know good from evil and how, bottom line, 'all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil. The good and evil being defined here are by the standards given us by God, not of the world. That which is of God 'inviteth and enticeth us to do good continually'. God is very specific in what He considers to be 'good'.  His definition of 'good' is keeping his commandments and doing all things in our lives to turn us towards him and his teachings. 
Of course, if you are to take God out of the equation, and the discussion becomes, 'Am I a good person?' Who becomes your judge??  what then, is your definition of good? What is your definition of right and wrong?  It can only be the definition given us by man, because man is the only other person to give a definition of right or wrong, and good from evil.  It's the world's definition.
So the question asked then is; Who's definition do we measure ourselves by?  God's or man's?
That answer also tells us who's opinion we value more and who we actually serve.  God or man?
Moroni teaches me that 'the Spirit of Christ is given to EVERY man, that he may know good from evil'. And with that Spirit of Christ, Moroni teaches how we can know good from evil, right from wrong.  And we ARE to use that Spirit of Christ TO JUDGE GOOD FROM EVIL. Moroni teaches the simple truth that, verse 16, 'every thing which enviteth  to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know "with a PERFECT KNOWLEDGE it is of God". And the same is explained about evil -  verse 17, 'whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a PERFECT KNOWLEDGE it is of the devil.'
So, in defining good from evil, WHO IS MY JUDGE???  GOD or MAN???

"Governing Themselves"

I thought once I raised my children and they married and had children of their own, that I would no longer experience any heartache or troubles in parenting anymore.
False doctrine!!
Today's post is going to be the opening of my mind and the sharing of all my thoughts for the past month. I'm not really concerned as to the privacy of my children being abused because no-one really reads my blog anyways but me - my kids don't even read it.
As per the scripture that  refers to raising our children with 'correct principles and then allowing them to govern themselves'...that is truly the most difficult principle in the gospel for me.  I don't want to allow them to govern themselves because they make mistakes!! Del and I have raised our children in the church with the kids, for the most part, accepting and believing in the same gospel principles that we do.  Kathryn didn't start her questioning, or rebelling until like around the age of 14 or so.  I remember her asking me one day, 'what if I just don't believe what you believe?' Can that even happen??!!  I figured Kathryn was just being lazy in not wanting to attend Seminary, go to church for three hours, go to Young Womens on Wednesdays and then girls camp in the summer.  It was just SO much for her.  So we just didn't push it.  We allowed her to think on her own and believe and do what she wanted.  With Jordan and Kylie?  They just always believed and followed 'the gospel and all it's commandments'.  We NEVER had any issues with them growing up with the principles of the gospel.
Over the past year, because of Jordan's work schedule and a few other factors, Jordan has gradually become inactive.  He doesn't question the gospel, but he is overwhelmed by the many things asked of him to do, meetings to attend etc etc.  He works the night shift of his job and gets home just in time to go to bed; usually around 6:00 a.m.  This makes it impossible for him to attend our 8:00am Sacrament meeting, so for months, Lexi was bringing the kids on her own.  Lexi has always been faithful and diligent in serving and remaining faithful in the church.  But it just got to be too much for her.  They finally decided to try and go to a later sacrament meeting ward, but that has even fallen by the wayside now, and the whole family stays home.
Watching this process has been heart breaking for me. 
Mike and Kylie are experiencing some of the same, but to a higher degree.  Kylie has not only become overwhelmed with life and the church, but she has actually been reading materials and talking with others who question the doctrines of the church, and has now pretty much decided, that she no longer wants to live the gospel principles or attend church at all.  She feels the church does not meet the needs that she and others have and that the church is even hurtful to those who are struggling with LGBT issues or certain gospel principles.  Her main issues are that if Heavenly Father truly loves all his children, he will allow them to live as families in the next life, even if they aren't members of the church or have temple blessings.  And if GOd DOESN"T allow that, then she doesn't want to be a member of that kind of church anyways.  This is Kylie. mind you, not Mike.  Mike still has a testimony, but is very much influenced by Kylie's emotions and thoughts.  When I mention to Kylie that God makes the rules, and GOD decides whom to bless, she basically tells me that we all have BELIEFS - and that's all they are - beliefs.  I have faith of God's plan.  She does not.  And because of this, she feels her beliefs are as valid as my beliefs, as neither of us can prove anything to be true. So she has asked to be released as Young Women's President and has decided to no longer attend her meetings.  As far as Mike and the kids?  I don't know.
Watching THIS process has also been heart breaking for me.
Kathryn and Ammon have moved into our home.  We invited them to live with us for a few years as they try to get pregnant and save money to buy a house.  It has only been a few weeks that they have been with us, but it has been very joyful and fun to have them in our home.  They are very helpful with everything and very respectful of our desires.  They are active in living the gospel, even though I know they have questions too, but they attend weekly and continue to try and learn from me and dad more about the gospel.
Currently, Lexi and Jordan have an issue with Ammon - something happened a couple of months ago between Ammon and Lexi, and apparently Lexi won't be around Ammon at all.  Stressful.  Ammon has apologized - I don't know details of the situation, but this has caused a lot of stress at family get togethers.  I'm personally very tired of the whole lack of forgiveness and acting like adults.  My opinion doesn't seem to matter though, so I basically try to invite family over out of courtesy only to hope that no-one comes and we can just have peace and harmony over here. Jordan and Lexi DID come over the other night with everyone here, but Ammon , not wanting to have them or anyone else feel uncomfortable, tucked himself away out of the way of those who might not want to be around him.  As I observed this, I was angry that someone that LIVES in my home and now makes it HIS home too, felt the need to accommodate a visitor to the home.  I won't let that happen again.  I have no plans to invite any of them over for Thanksgiving.  We will have it here in my home for those that live here.  Del is not real thrilled with my decision.  But my thinking is...in MY home, there will be kindness and joy.  If you can't bring that with you when you come over, then don't come.
Now, my sister Rachel.  She doesn't read this either - but her situation has my heart broken also.  Her husband Mike, has apparently been dealing with pornography issues their whole marriage.  Rachel didn't find out until about 9 months ago.  It was devastating to her - and she has taken it very hard.  At first, upon finding out, Mike was VERY humble and repentant, desiring to do anything and everything he can to keep their marriage together.  Well, 9 months of time has eased that urgency a little bit to where he has actually slipped up a few more times, AND tried to hide and lie about it to Rachel.  He is demanding her to be more forgiving and tolerant of his mistakes as he has been with her mistakes in the past.  I have tried, the whole 9 months, to be in continual contact with Rachel, giving words of encouragement and counsel to help her keep the marriage together.  But just this past weekend, she feels she has hit her max when Mike came home with a new temple recommend of which he basically flaunted in front of Rachel's face.  She met with her Bishop and has basically decided to have a trial separation from Mike.  They were supposed to go visit with the stake president that same night, of which I've heard nothing about yet.
But once again, my heart is broken.
General conference was this past weekend.  More changes made - 8 new temples announced - new temple recommend questions - Young men and Young Women's programs changed - progression progression progression. And an announcement that something big is going to happen at the next General Conference in April.  I was with a friend at the Women's General meeting Saturday night, and as some of these announcements are being made, she leaned over to me and said, "I feel there is a water hose of changes being made and the hose is being shoved down our throats." I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed by everything swirling around her.
How many members of the church feel this way???
Is the church and it's doctrine really THAT overwhelming and difficult for it's members??  Change is good.  Progress is good.  New truths and learning is good.  What will ever happen to the members of the church, when the higher law and teachings is presented for us to live?  Have we not been being prepared for the full restoration of the gospel? Is this a weeding out of the faithful members and is this weeding out taking my children with it???
One of the main themes streaming through the conference talks was that of becoming 'More Holy'.
The past two weeks of my scripture reading has left me very dissatisfied and discouraged as it pertains solely to the elimination of generations of people through wars and bloodshed.  It talks of carnage and bodies heaped upon each other, so many as they cannot be counted.  Total death and destruction of a people who will not repent. Of course, I am reading in Ether, near the end of the Book of Mormon and I really want to get closer to the end where it is a whole lot more positive. But these past weeks have not set a really peaceful tone for me for the day.  That is a lot of sin going on.  But we are experiencing the same degree of evil right now in our own country.  Next year will end our 4 years of leadership with Donald Trump.  I can barely write his name without cringing in total disgust.  I can't stand the man - feel he is evil to the core.  And the one or two things he HAS done good for our country are soooo overshadowed by the evil man that he is.  I feel that for the past 4 years, he has led this nation in the most narcissistic way, not really sustaining us as the great country we used to be.  He knows nothing of government - and not really been correctly educated as to the position of President of our country.  So he definitely has been left to 'govern himself' with what little he knows.  I feel like we have lived the past 4 years in the toilet.
Okay.  I've expressed it all. -
It's  been a struggle to try and FEEL the spirit in my life with all these conflicting emotions and experiences I've shared.  But the spirit HAS been the only thing that has brought me any comfort.  I cling to it with hope for brighter days.  I have faith that somehow, hearts will be softened and I'll be able to accept kindly, the choices that are being made, especially by my children.  My hopes and visions of an extended eternal family seem to be fading for me.  I can't imagine the consequences of the choices being made.  And I can't do anything but love them and try to show them by example, the truthfulness of the Lord's plan.
I pray for strength to endure.