"Governing Themselves"

I thought once I raised my children and they married and had children of their own, that I would no longer experience any heartache or troubles in parenting anymore.
False doctrine!!
Today's post is going to be the opening of my mind and the sharing of all my thoughts for the past month. I'm not really concerned as to the privacy of my children being abused because no-one really reads my blog anyways but me - my kids don't even read it.
As per the scripture that  refers to raising our children with 'correct principles and then allowing them to govern themselves'...that is truly the most difficult principle in the gospel for me.  I don't want to allow them to govern themselves because they make mistakes!! Del and I have raised our children in the church with the kids, for the most part, accepting and believing in the same gospel principles that we do.  Kathryn didn't start her questioning, or rebelling until like around the age of 14 or so.  I remember her asking me one day, 'what if I just don't believe what you believe?' Can that even happen??!!  I figured Kathryn was just being lazy in not wanting to attend Seminary, go to church for three hours, go to Young Womens on Wednesdays and then girls camp in the summer.  It was just SO much for her.  So we just didn't push it.  We allowed her to think on her own and believe and do what she wanted.  With Jordan and Kylie?  They just always believed and followed 'the gospel and all it's commandments'.  We NEVER had any issues with them growing up with the principles of the gospel.
Over the past year, because of Jordan's work schedule and a few other factors, Jordan has gradually become inactive.  He doesn't question the gospel, but he is overwhelmed by the many things asked of him to do, meetings to attend etc etc.  He works the night shift of his job and gets home just in time to go to bed; usually around 6:00 a.m.  This makes it impossible for him to attend our 8:00am Sacrament meeting, so for months, Lexi was bringing the kids on her own.  Lexi has always been faithful and diligent in serving and remaining faithful in the church.  But it just got to be too much for her.  They finally decided to try and go to a later sacrament meeting ward, but that has even fallen by the wayside now, and the whole family stays home.
Watching this process has been heart breaking for me. 
Mike and Kylie are experiencing some of the same, but to a higher degree.  Kylie has not only become overwhelmed with life and the church, but she has actually been reading materials and talking with others who question the doctrines of the church, and has now pretty much decided, that she no longer wants to live the gospel principles or attend church at all.  She feels the church does not meet the needs that she and others have and that the church is even hurtful to those who are struggling with LGBT issues or certain gospel principles.  Her main issues are that if Heavenly Father truly loves all his children, he will allow them to live as families in the next life, even if they aren't members of the church or have temple blessings.  And if GOd DOESN"T allow that, then she doesn't want to be a member of that kind of church anyways.  This is Kylie. mind you, not Mike.  Mike still has a testimony, but is very much influenced by Kylie's emotions and thoughts.  When I mention to Kylie that God makes the rules, and GOD decides whom to bless, she basically tells me that we all have BELIEFS - and that's all they are - beliefs.  I have faith of God's plan.  She does not.  And because of this, she feels her beliefs are as valid as my beliefs, as neither of us can prove anything to be true. So she has asked to be released as Young Women's President and has decided to no longer attend her meetings.  As far as Mike and the kids?  I don't know.
Watching THIS process has also been heart breaking for me.
Kathryn and Ammon have moved into our home.  We invited them to live with us for a few years as they try to get pregnant and save money to buy a house.  It has only been a few weeks that they have been with us, but it has been very joyful and fun to have them in our home.  They are very helpful with everything and very respectful of our desires.  They are active in living the gospel, even though I know they have questions too, but they attend weekly and continue to try and learn from me and dad more about the gospel.
Currently, Lexi and Jordan have an issue with Ammon - something happened a couple of months ago between Ammon and Lexi, and apparently Lexi won't be around Ammon at all.  Stressful.  Ammon has apologized - I don't know details of the situation, but this has caused a lot of stress at family get togethers.  I'm personally very tired of the whole lack of forgiveness and acting like adults.  My opinion doesn't seem to matter though, so I basically try to invite family over out of courtesy only to hope that no-one comes and we can just have peace and harmony over here. Jordan and Lexi DID come over the other night with everyone here, but Ammon , not wanting to have them or anyone else feel uncomfortable, tucked himself away out of the way of those who might not want to be around him.  As I observed this, I was angry that someone that LIVES in my home and now makes it HIS home too, felt the need to accommodate a visitor to the home.  I won't let that happen again.  I have no plans to invite any of them over for Thanksgiving.  We will have it here in my home for those that live here.  Del is not real thrilled with my decision.  But my thinking is...in MY home, there will be kindness and joy.  If you can't bring that with you when you come over, then don't come.
Now, my sister Rachel.  She doesn't read this either - but her situation has my heart broken also.  Her husband Mike, has apparently been dealing with pornography issues their whole marriage.  Rachel didn't find out until about 9 months ago.  It was devastating to her - and she has taken it very hard.  At first, upon finding out, Mike was VERY humble and repentant, desiring to do anything and everything he can to keep their marriage together.  Well, 9 months of time has eased that urgency a little bit to where he has actually slipped up a few more times, AND tried to hide and lie about it to Rachel.  He is demanding her to be more forgiving and tolerant of his mistakes as he has been with her mistakes in the past.  I have tried, the whole 9 months, to be in continual contact with Rachel, giving words of encouragement and counsel to help her keep the marriage together.  But just this past weekend, she feels she has hit her max when Mike came home with a new temple recommend of which he basically flaunted in front of Rachel's face.  She met with her Bishop and has basically decided to have a trial separation from Mike.  They were supposed to go visit with the stake president that same night, of which I've heard nothing about yet.
But once again, my heart is broken.
General conference was this past weekend.  More changes made - 8 new temples announced - new temple recommend questions - Young men and Young Women's programs changed - progression progression progression. And an announcement that something big is going to happen at the next General Conference in April.  I was with a friend at the Women's General meeting Saturday night, and as some of these announcements are being made, she leaned over to me and said, "I feel there is a water hose of changes being made and the hose is being shoved down our throats." I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed by everything swirling around her.
How many members of the church feel this way???
Is the church and it's doctrine really THAT overwhelming and difficult for it's members??  Change is good.  Progress is good.  New truths and learning is good.  What will ever happen to the members of the church, when the higher law and teachings is presented for us to live?  Have we not been being prepared for the full restoration of the gospel? Is this a weeding out of the faithful members and is this weeding out taking my children with it???
One of the main themes streaming through the conference talks was that of becoming 'More Holy'.
The past two weeks of my scripture reading has left me very dissatisfied and discouraged as it pertains solely to the elimination of generations of people through wars and bloodshed.  It talks of carnage and bodies heaped upon each other, so many as they cannot be counted.  Total death and destruction of a people who will not repent. Of course, I am reading in Ether, near the end of the Book of Mormon and I really want to get closer to the end where it is a whole lot more positive. But these past weeks have not set a really peaceful tone for me for the day.  That is a lot of sin going on.  But we are experiencing the same degree of evil right now in our own country.  Next year will end our 4 years of leadership with Donald Trump.  I can barely write his name without cringing in total disgust.  I can't stand the man - feel he is evil to the core.  And the one or two things he HAS done good for our country are soooo overshadowed by the evil man that he is.  I feel that for the past 4 years, he has led this nation in the most narcissistic way, not really sustaining us as the great country we used to be.  He knows nothing of government - and not really been correctly educated as to the position of President of our country.  So he definitely has been left to 'govern himself' with what little he knows.  I feel like we have lived the past 4 years in the toilet.
Okay.  I've expressed it all. -
It's  been a struggle to try and FEEL the spirit in my life with all these conflicting emotions and experiences I've shared.  But the spirit HAS been the only thing that has brought me any comfort.  I cling to it with hope for brighter days.  I have faith that somehow, hearts will be softened and I'll be able to accept kindly, the choices that are being made, especially by my children.  My hopes and visions of an extended eternal family seem to be fading for me.  I can't imagine the consequences of the choices being made.  And I can't do anything but love them and try to show them by example, the truthfulness of the Lord's plan.
I pray for strength to endure.