The Funeral

Us sisters, with mom, were asked to dress Rachel in her temple clothing Friday morning.  Rachel's daughters also came and assisted.  Without her hair and with no make up on yet, we really were quite disturbed at her appearance; enough so, that we suggested Mike might consider doing a closed casket.  But the girl who did Rachel's make up did a remarkable job and Rachel appeared presentable, much to our relief.

Del and I were both SO glad that Kylie was able to come and share this experience with us.  She brought to me personally, much comfort and calm to my high anxiety levels and upset mind and heart.  Del and I both had some very beautiful discussions and private time with Kylie while staying at Lon and Loraines home over the weekend.  Our discussions were very tender and touching as we each expressed such feelings of love and acceptance towards each other.

Rachel Packard Florence

Casket Bearers - Eric, Matthew, Paul, Mark, Garth, JD and Phil

With my sweet mother, Sheila, at the viewing.

Rachel's family at the cemetary

The beautiful casket

Rachelle, Jensen, Michael, Everly, Eric, Shayla, Savannah, Matthew and Lindsey

Me and Becca

Our family, with an empty chair next to Elaine

It has been slightly over a week since Rachel's funeral.  I'm still trying to process all the events over the past 7 months and have them make sense to me.

And what do I do with the gaping hole in my heart???

There were hundreds, literally hundreds who came to the viewing and the funeral.  I had no idea there would be so many.  There were relatives I hadn't seen for years - literally 20-30 years ago.  There were ward members, neighbors, choir members and family and friends that packed the stake center.  The Tabernacle choir sang the opening song Be Still My Soul, a special number Homeward Bound and then the closing song God Be With You. I was a MESS 

Del was very supportive and comforting to me.  He held me so close to his side and had his arm around me to keep me safe.  I so needed his warmth and love to calm me as I really just wanting to weep and melt away.  As the choir began the closing song and we stood to follow the casket, I was sure the only thing holding me up was Del's loving arms.  I turned to the choir with tears just streaming down my face and mouthed the words, 'Thank you' to them all.  Many of them were crying, especially from the Alto 2 section.  They loved Rachel, just as we did.

Becca and Elaine found me in the hallway and we left the arms of our husbands to fall into each others arms and we wept a deep and longing cry that would be our last for our dear sister Rachel.  Then we went to our cars and followed the processional to the cemetary. 

I won't comment on the remaining two days that we were there - it's just a blur - family time with the remaining 11 siblings and our spouses - then we flew home.

My heart hurts, as I'm sure it will for some time now.  But I do recognize the blessings of the Lord's plan of Happiness.  I know, understand and have faith in the atonement and resurrection of our Savior.  It's just the physical loss of Rachel that I am mourning.  Only my memories to sustain me now.

Processing My Reality

I've spent the past three days trying to grasp what Rachel's passing means to me. Kathryn gave me this beautiful ring to remind me always of my sweet sister. Not that I would ever forget her, of course, but that every time I look at it, I will think of her. She is gone. She is truly gone from this earth. I know and understand the Lord's plan and understand that I will see her again. But just not here on this earth. I'm used to talking to her. The past 3-4 years have been even more often as we have helped each other through both some difficult times with children and husbands, and then also in the extreme joys and happinesses we were experiencing too. We could laugh together a lot - I counseled her a lot in some difficulties she was having and she had a few moments of not being happy with me because it meant she wasn't right about some things and she didn't want to be the one to have to change. She was quite entitled at times - a lot because of their financial blessings and comfort level. She had expectations in life that because of their wealth, I would have to remind her often that she was BLESSED and not entitled. She didn't like that. She felt she earned it. I had to laugh at her. But our conversations were often, and good, and always ended knowing we loved each other. Dang, I'm sad, knowing we won't have those conversations anymore. That she won't call me to tell me how funny something was, or what they had been practicing in choir practice - or how she felt about the dresses the choir women had to wear the week before, 'purple NOT being her favorite, but the RED was the best'. I would tell her when I could hear her, which was once or twice, or how I had LOVED the tenors on a certain song. She LOVED singing in the choir and loved all she was learning from her alto 2 ladies and Mack Wilburg as her director. Right before her diagnosis, she had graduated from cosmotology school. She loved having her hair colored and cut and over the years, had really had some unique styles and colors to her appearance. Sometimes, I would tell her how they looked on t.v when the choir would perform. One time, she had had some coloring done that seriously, looked like tiger stripes. It was awful - and looked even worse on tv. I joked with her for a long time about that one. The various haircuts she had too, were interesting. But after she had had her tummy tuck, breast reduction and then lost a lot of weight, she started wearing her hair a little longer, in a beautiful soft curl. That was over the past 4-5 years. People in my ward and in the choir I was in, would look for her every General conference to see Marlys' sister. I was so proud. Many in the choir have commented on facebook about Rachel's passing and how much they, in the choir, loved her. I am so touched to know that there are those who loved her almost as much as we did. So, my reality is...she's gone from this earth. And my new memories with her have ceased to be. Did I make enough memories with her?? The one's I have will have to do. But they bring me joy. I would love to be able to make more, but I will have to take that opportunity with others of us left behind.

She's Gone Home

Rachel passed away early this morning, returning home
to our Father.  Her tears of exquisite joy are my tears of 
unsolisited grief .  My heart hurts. 

 

I'm so grateful the Lord blessed me to have
Rachel as my sister.  This has left
a huge hole in my heart, but the memories
of her in my life will bring an eternity
of joy.  I love her and will miss her 
forever.  Til we meet again my sweet
RACHEL.

• 
  

Some Old Memories of Rachel

 

A Day in the Life of Peyton

 

Her first Mother's Day with her momma.  She was beautiful for church and just as happy as could be.

She and mom are looking at outfits on Amazon.  Peyton has very picky opinions as to what she will or will not wear.

This is usually Papa's spot on the couch to watch tv, but since he wasn't home, Peyton just made herself comfortable to watch a movie with her momma and Nana.

Peyton LOVES her bath time and in her opinion, the more bubbles the better.

She loves to sit by herself and lounge.  

Checking on facebook to see what all her other 3 month old friends have been up to.  Peyton does have quite the social life.

A Few Grankid Moments

My daily moments with Peyton are constant - all throughout the day, I have her on my left shoulder asleep, or playing with her, or feeding her - or taking pictures of her at 3 months old.  I can't believe how big she is getting and how wonderful of a baby she is.  We are buds.  She knows me - she knows when it's me holding her, caring for her during the night etc.  She knows laying against my body versus someone else holding her to try and get her to sleep.  And I know her.  I know how to get her to sleep - I know how to feed her - I can tell her cries and what she is needing.  Our bond is tight, and I love it.  She's sleeping longer through the night and beginning to eat more at each of her feedings.  Growing like a weed - just out of 3 month clothes and closer to wearing 6 month to fit right.  She'll be in to size 2 diapers this week.

We had a great rain last week that just down poured and soaked the ground.  Made for a very wet and muddy backyard, of which Emerson and Evie completely took advantage of in a mud fight.  Boy they had a blast.  I loved watching them play; making mud pies and other things.  I was glad that their parents were so willing to let them have the fun they were having.  Even Jordan played in the dirt, looking for worms.  Fun day.
 

'I Longed To Be There'

 

I'm jealous of this picture.  That I'm not there with my other sisters.  That I'm not hearing what Rachel was saying to those in the room.  That I'm not feeling the spirit that was in the room.  I should have been there.

Rebecca was able to be a caregiver for Rachel for a few very difficult days.  Becca said she was emotionally, physically and in many other ways, completely exhausted and 'spent' at the end of the 4 days.  She could hardly express her emotions to me.

Uncle Floyd was able to go up with my mom to see Rachel.  He will speaking at Rachel's funeral.  She asked him to read her patriarchal blessing to her out loud and then he gave her some counsel and consoling.

Rachel was trying to express to Uncle Floyd some of her thoughts and feelings.  She was distressed, but pleading to him for relief of her pain and discomfort.

Rachel is ALWAYS wanting mom to come see her.  She is so tender with mom - loves her deeply.

Living Through the Final Days

 The past 10 days for Rachel have been a roller coaster.  Mike has been having a very difficult time trying to keep up with Rachel's care giving, so he called us and Elaine went up and has been there for over a week.  During that time, she has declined significantly; barely able to understand her speaking and mumbling.  They, at one time, were withholding food and water from her to help the process along, but she wasn't ready for that stage, so they are back to giving her tiny bites of food like once a day and sips of water.  Nothing to sustain her or prolong her life, but nothing to shorten it either.  Becca went for a few days to help Elaine too, and the four days there, Becca says were some of the most difficult to watch Rachel.  Dying is not pretty - and some sides of Rachel have manifest themselves as very mean and ugly.  But we realize it's not her.  That's just her body, fighting the pain, fighting the dying process and fighting the loss of knowing who she is anymore.  I want to be there for her, but on the flip side, I don't want to remember her that way.  

Mike Has called in for more professional help from hospice.  So for the past two nights, they have had a full time nurse to come in from 9:00 pm to 9:00 am to administer to all of Rachel's needs.  It has given both Mike and the other care takers a few nights of good sleep and rejuvenation to handle Rachel's needs during the day.  They say her vital signs are still strong, but she has not had enough food and water to sustain her for much longer.  

I live for the daily reports from Becca and Elaine to know the details that the others don't get.  There was a day that they sent me texts begging me to have our family pray for her immediate release from this life, as her suffering was so great.  So, we did.  Of course, always with the stipulation of the Lord's will being done in HIS time.  

And she lives through another day.

The Time is Near

 My mom and Jennifer went to visit Rachel today.  She was in so much pain that she could not even acknowledge that they were there with her.  My mom spoke to her, telling her each name of her siblings and our spouses - sharing that each one of us loved her - we longed for her peace and comfort.  

Ruth is there today to take care of her through the night, so that Mike, who is running on fumes, can get some type of rest.  He is totally and completely exhausted, and needs to sleep.  The Hospice nurse and doctor came today and gave Ruth a pamphlet about the final hours or life and what to expect.  Ruth asked them what we are looking at - if it's weeks or months before she'll pass.  They replied, 'Oh no - we're looking at days - probably this weekend'. Ruth just collapsed, stunned by the suddenness of it all.  I too, am unnerved by the report.  I'm not ready.  And I'll be the first to say, that for selfish reasons I want more time.  But I know she can't.  Mike is going to be calling his children together tonight to give her a blessing to release her from this earth to return to her Father's.  

Heavenly Father, Thy will be done.

A Gathering of Flowers for Rachel

 Last Saturday, Rachelle organized a gathering of neighbors, ward members, choir members, family and friends to come with flowers to the house and plant them all throughout Rachel's yard.  Rachel has always loved flower gardens: almost more so than anything else.  She has carried that love to my mom's yard where she has always kept the prettiest of flowers.  Rachel mustard up all the strength she had to try and be present for all her visitors, but towards the end, when just her family was left, she fell into a deep exhaustion with Mom, Becca and Jennifer around her.  It was emotional to see Rachel joyful about the flowers, but so sad to know that she would never see them fully bloom and return year after year.  After everyone had left and Rachel had gotten a little rest, Mike took her outside to show her all the flowers that had been planted by the tens of  people, around 50, that had come to plant beauty into her yard.

Now, each year, as Spring comes, Mike will have a sweet reminder of his sweet wife Rachel, and the expression of pure love and kindness shown her by the tens of people that loved Rachel and wanted her to never be forgotten.