Processing My Reality

I've spent the past three days trying to grasp what Rachel's passing means to me. Kathryn gave me this beautiful ring to remind me always of my sweet sister. Not that I would ever forget her, of course, but that every time I look at it, I will think of her. She is gone. She is truly gone from this earth. I know and understand the Lord's plan and understand that I will see her again. But just not here on this earth. I'm used to talking to her. The past 3-4 years have been even more often as we have helped each other through both some difficult times with children and husbands, and then also in the extreme joys and happinesses we were experiencing too. We could laugh together a lot - I counseled her a lot in some difficulties she was having and she had a few moments of not being happy with me because it meant she wasn't right about some things and she didn't want to be the one to have to change. She was quite entitled at times - a lot because of their financial blessings and comfort level. She had expectations in life that because of their wealth, I would have to remind her often that she was BLESSED and not entitled. She didn't like that. She felt she earned it. I had to laugh at her. But our conversations were often, and good, and always ended knowing we loved each other. Dang, I'm sad, knowing we won't have those conversations anymore. That she won't call me to tell me how funny something was, or what they had been practicing in choir practice - or how she felt about the dresses the choir women had to wear the week before, 'purple NOT being her favorite, but the RED was the best'. I would tell her when I could hear her, which was once or twice, or how I had LOVED the tenors on a certain song. She LOVED singing in the choir and loved all she was learning from her alto 2 ladies and Mack Wilburg as her director. Right before her diagnosis, she had graduated from cosmotology school. She loved having her hair colored and cut and over the years, had really had some unique styles and colors to her appearance. Sometimes, I would tell her how they looked on t.v when the choir would perform. One time, she had had some coloring done that seriously, looked like tiger stripes. It was awful - and looked even worse on tv. I joked with her for a long time about that one. The various haircuts she had too, were interesting. But after she had had her tummy tuck, breast reduction and then lost a lot of weight, she started wearing her hair a little longer, in a beautiful soft curl. That was over the past 4-5 years. People in my ward and in the choir I was in, would look for her every General conference to see Marlys' sister. I was so proud. Many in the choir have commented on facebook about Rachel's passing and how much they, in the choir, loved her. I am so touched to know that there are those who loved her almost as much as we did. So, my reality is...she's gone from this earth. And my new memories with her have ceased to be. Did I make enough memories with her?? The one's I have will have to do. But they bring me joy. I would love to be able to make more, but I will have to take that opportunity with others of us left behind.