Girls Night Celebration and Disappointment

 Because both Kathryn and I were sick with Covid on our birthday's, we had no birthday party or celebrations.  So once we were feeling better, it was time for a girls night out.

I love these three girls deeply and completely.  I love them unconditionally - through their joys and happiness and through their trials and difficulties.  I love being with them - they make me laugh - they make me feel young and alive; they make me feel more than just their mother, but their friend.

We went to Marty B's for dinner - an outside, firepit and barbeque type place with some really good food.  I had been there once before and really loved it.  But my dinner that night was a little disappointing - didn't meet the expectation of my memory.  But it was still good.  Everyone ordered good food.  Two of the girls ordered 'drinks'.  I was deeply disappointed, not by one of them, as I knew she probably would.  But the other order, broke my heart.  I can't name names because I really don't know who reads this and I wouldn't want to throw her under the bus.  I just didn't know that she would.  My heart sunk to my stomach and I was near close to tears.  

We also tend to drift to the topic of sex and our marital comedies usually with the girls SHOCKING me with updated do's and don'ts and current trends.  I have to remind them often that I am a prude - and a 62 year old grandmother that really isn't into all the stuff younger and more active couples do.  So on the way home, we stopped at a lingerie store/sex store???  I WAS SO UNCOMFORTABLE  and felt so out of place.  I did not like it all - and although the three girls bought a few things for entertainment in their own marriages, I was subject visually to things that I felt were just downright nasty.  By the time we left, I needed a mind shower to cleanse my thoughts and visuals.  I just really wanted to go home to the comfort and privacy of my own home.  The girls aren't bad girls, they just tend to be attracted to a few of the worldly pleasures of sex that I don't find useful or needed in my marriage.  They asked me if me or Del even had any fantasies - no.  I've never asked Del, but I know the answer would be no if I did ask.  My answer is no.  That's not what I fantasize about.  We were just raised differently, in a different generation and with different expectations and desires.  

Overall, I loved being with my girls.  I hated the uncomfortable and disappointing moments, but I never relayed any of that to them.  I would not want them to know.  But next time, I will be a little more outspoken as to where we go and what we talk about.

Happy birthday to me.

"A Square Peg...."

 

"...in a Round Hole."  I just don't fit in.

Last night, there were almost 75 girls, parents, leaders and ward members at the Welcome Night for Young Women's.  I was the oldest in the room.  Everyone else could have been my child or grandchild, that was the age difference.

I played the piano for the opening and closing song, the special musical number and then just observed the rest of the night.  I barely understand this generation of youth.  I barely understand their parents.  But here I am called to serve them, love them and guide them back to our Father in Heaven.  So, I've got to figure this out.

How do you fit a square peg through a round hole???

Very carefully.

So Easily Replaced?

 Rachel's husband Mike remarried last Saturday.

Rachel and Mike were married for 32 years.  Rachel spent that time helping put Mike through dental school, establishing herself as his wife - having 5 children - establishing and making their home her own. Lot's of ups and downs in the growing and nurturing of a family.  They all cleaned house the way Rachel had taught them - meticulously.  Spotless kitchen with shine on all appliances.  Carpets vacuumed with lines going a certain way.  Dishwasher loaded Rachel's way so as to fit everything in.  Teeth brushed at night so that it didn't have to be done again in the morning unless the kids ate.  Everything had a place and everything was in it's place.  Of course, her style changed over the years and it was neat to watch her home evolve each time her style evolved.  But at ALL times, that was Rachel's home.

Now, 8 months after her passing, she has been replaced.  It is now Shelly's home.  I noticed in some of the pictures I saw of the wedding, which was AT the house, that some things had already been changed and replaced with other things.  I imagine that over the next few months and years, Rachel's things will completely be removed and Shelly will then make the home, 'Shelly's home', as it should be.  Mike mentioned months ago, that he had set $25,000 aside for his new wife to make the home comfortable for her, adding her special touch to what Rachel had spent 32 years establishing as hers.

At the beginning of the day, I jokingly sent a text to my siblings saying that if there were any 'natural disasters' that day, we may need to reexamine it as Rachel actually tipping the world on it's axis!! But by the end of the day, I was a little more emotional than I had anticipated I would be.  I missed Rachel terribly, imagining her observing from the heavens.  Was she happy? Jealous? Content? Disappointed? Or is she just too busy doing the Lord's work that she doesn't have time to care?

And life goes on.  Thirty two years of imprinting herself on the hearts of her husband and children and now she's replaced.  I know, in reality, she will never be replaced.  But I will never be able to just walk through her garage back door again.  I will forever be a 'ring the front door' visitor from now on, if I visit at all.

The Old Testament and My Epic Fail

 

This year of 2022 has us studying the Old Testament.  I'm pretty excited about it as it covers so much of what is in the temple and the importance of knowing WHO we are and WHO'S image we are created in.  In my studies over the past few weeks, I have loved realizing the role of Jehova and others in the creation.  I have found interesting the creation of man and then understanding our role in the Father's  plan.  Our Father truly does love us - offers us all that He has, and wants only the best for us.  

On Sunday, I was teaching the Laurels the lesson about 'What is God's Plan For Me?'  I asked the girls to write the question down in a notebook that I gave each of them.  I asked them so many question of how they can learn what Heavenly Father's plan is for them and where they can learn and know the truth.  There were 10 or more girls in the class.  No answer.  I asked multiple questions to no answer from any of them.  I asked what they envisioned life to be after they passed from this life - no answer.  I mentioned that my idea of joy would be life with my husband and children and grandchildren.  That is what would bring me joy.  Here I am explaining this to girls who most have not even been on their first date yet - their main concerns in life right now are finishing their homework, trying to pass this weeks Algebra test and wondering what they're going to wear to Mormon Prom next month.  They have NOTHING of thoughts of eternity in their minds right now as they live day to day, emotion to emotion  and drama to drama.  My lesson fell on completely deaf and uninterested ears.  I was devastated.  I was teaching some real doctrinal principles to ears that were not prepared to hear the message.

It's been 15 years since I taught Seminary or teenagers in any class.  I am obviously OUT OF TOUCH with their lives right now.  So my new realization is that I have to figure out who these girls are - what they need to hear right now to survive their intense lives and not about doctrine that they cannot comprehend right now.  Step by step - baby steps.  Some of these girls will be leaving home in 1-2 years AND if anything like my own daughter, getting married in two years.  What kind of testimonies will they have then?  What will they know and understand to prepare them to enter the temple?  To be out on their own and survive the temptations of the world??  

My responsibility will be to love them, teach them to recognize and acknowledge the promptings of the spirit and to know where to search for truth.  I want to encourage DESIRE to know who their Father is - to know TRUTH - to know His plan for them individually.  That is all I can do.

So pick myself up off the floor, wipe my tears away, drop to my knees and ask for direction.  

Follow the spirit Marlys - Just follow the spirit.

Living in a State of Nothingness

I remember Christmas Day and having a wonderful dinner.  Then later that night, I remember starting to have a deep cough and a hard time breathing.  Now, three weeks later, I'm trying to remember everything else.  But there's nothing.

I know the day after Christmas, I stayed home from church as I was just totally wiped out .  I literally slept for days.  I don't remember New Years Eve, but I did go to church the day after the new year because I played the organ, then came home and went back to bed.  

On Friday the 7th of January, I know I went and tested for Covid and it came back positive.  I went to such lengths to make sure Kathryn still had a good birthday, but then after I had made dinner and done the dishes, I went back to bed.  And that's where I've been ever since.  I know it was my birthday last Monday, but don't ask me anything about it because I don't remember.  It shouldn't count if I don't remember, right?

A total state of nothingness.  I know Kathryn and Ammon have both tested positive in the meantime, and so they have both been home from work and been taking care of Peyton, who is feeling so much better.  Del has not tested officially for Covid, but he has been sick as well, some days sleeping as much as I have.  I have missed the past two weeks of church, including today and spent the majority of the time sleeping.  No progression spiritually,; no progression financially; no progression physically, mentally or in any way whatsoever.  Literally just existing.

I THINK I'm on the mend now.  At least, that's what we're all counting on tomorrow.  Everyone will be back to work, I'll be back to watching Peyton and running the house, and everyone else will be back to their full time jobs.  I never thought I would get Covid and have it affect me like this.  Hope never again.

The Neverending Story

 

I started back in September on my never ending battle of weight loss.  Becca started her process a couple of months before I did, but I jumped on her band wagon as soon as I saw her great success.  She has lost over 50 pounds to date and I have lost over 25.  My picture on the left was in April of last year.  The picture on the right was taken near the end of November.  I'm working on losing another final ten pounds.

It's nice to have a jump start on what has always been a New years Resolution for me.  

Covid Update and Birthday Cake

 It's only one day later and you can add me and Del to the list.  I actually tested positive today.  Del has not been tested but he has every symptom I do and feels just as bad if not worse.

Today was Kathryn's birthday.  She's 29..  I tried to make it as wonderful as possible with feeling like crap.  She did biff it pretty badly on her new birthday gift from Ammon - a long board - which is like a skateboard but longer.  She did the splits and scraped up her knee. I made her a cake and a good dinner and now I'm exhausted and I'm going to call it a night.  

This Covid is kicking my trash.

COVID and Lightening

 It's the worst when it's the youngest, but yes, Peyton tested positive for Covid today.  Del has had it, I have had it, Kathryn and Ammon most likely have it now, but now it's Peyton's turn.  The doctor says we are to all quarantine for 5-8 days - go nowhere and stay away from everyone.  I was glad that I went to the temple today and that Del and Ammon work from home.  As soon as Kathryn's work was told about Peyton, they sent Kathryn home and said she can't come back until she tests negative for Covid.

My brother in law Mike is engaged.  Yes, Rachel's husband is engaged and will be getting married January 22nd.  I am truly happy for him.  I'm glad he has been able to find someone again that he loves.  Rachel is fuming, I just know it.  But Becca, me and Elaine are figuring that daddy is trying his best to keep Rachel from sending down BOLTS of lightening with direct hits to her home.  The thought makes me giggle....Not to worry Rach.  He's yours for eternity...

A Quick Update on the People I Love Most

 

Well, the picture is kind of far away but it's the last one of the whole family, taken on Del's birthday two months ago.  I'll start at the top.

Del and I are about the same - Del turned 65 and has all the Medicare and Social Security issues he has to worry about now.  He still works for Dell Computers and I am still watching Peyton every day while Kathryn goes to work.  Del was just called as a counselor in the Elder's Quorum Presidency and I am still the ward organist and the new Laurel Advisor in the Young Women's program.

Jordan and Lexi are doing great.  They have decided to homeschool Emerson (turning 8) and Evie(turning 5) instead of public school, which is turning out to be a real blessing for the kids.  Both kids LOVE being at home with parents and having the freedom to learn as quickly as they want to.  Emerson is in 2nd grade and Evie is a pre-schooler.  They come over to visit often, which we LOVE as Nana and Papa.  I'm developing quite a love and special bond with Lexi - she's just my 'go to girl' for emotional, spiritual and any kind of heartbreaking emotions I go through.  She's very loving and supportive, as are both my daughters.

Mike and Kylie have had a few job changes.  Kylie is now working for a pool company and enjoying the new responsibilities with her new work.  Preston just turned 11 and has officially passed me in height.  He's in his last year of elementary school.  Madison just turned 9 and was baptized the month before her birthday.  She has embraced the church and has such tender and kind feelings towards her family and friends.  Lucy is a 6 year old spitfire with the exact same curly hair her mother had growing up.  She is loving her kindergarten year of school.

Ammon and Kathryn are loving this wonderful stage of parenting with their sweet little Peyton, who turned 11 months just two days ago.  They both work full time which allows me and Del to get all the Nana and Papa moments we want with Peyton, who is standing alone and attempting to walk all on her own.  She sleeps through the night, jabbers non stop and melts our hearts with her giggles and loves.  Of course, because they live with us, we have an extra tender spot in our hearts for our last grandbaby.  It will be exciting to celebrate her one year birthday next month.  Every other week, we also have Ammon's older children, Rykert and Lilly, for the weekend and enjoy getting to know them better.

I love MY people.  Each one of them holds a very tender place in my heart for various reasons specific to them.  I could not live without any one of them.  I'm so glad they live close by and I'm able to see them weekly or at least twice a month.  And the love continues to grow.  I can honestly say that the love I have for them is unconditional and strengthened by the good people they strive to be.  Del and I are truly blessed to call each of them, family.

It's Time to Move On

 I thought the world would stop at the passing of Rachel.

But, it didn't.  So here, I find it the first day of a new year - 2022.  I've not written anything since Rachel's funeral.  Nothing.  But it's not because plenty hasn't happened.  It's just that I've felt slightly empty; not motivated and very sorrowful.  Just empty.  I still look back on 7 months ago and can't believe it really happened.  Rachel died.

But life has gone on and now I find that I have to move on also.  I have finally put Rachel's passing in it's appropriate place - the past, and I choose to now live for a hopeful future.

My desire for this year is to be more aware - have a heightened level of awareness in people, places, emotions and feelings.  And in this state of awareness, if I am able to help the situation for the better or help someone for the good because of the spirit, then I want to act.  I want to be more aware of others needs - promptings from the spirit - things I observe - things I am told.  And then help.

Our dear prophet, President Russell Nelson left a sweet message for the members of the church on his Instagram today asking us to be aware of 3 suggestions for Resolutions this coming year.

1- Resolve to Strengthen our Spiritual Foundation:

     Set a specific time and place to study the scriptures, pray more often, make temple worship a bigger priority and let God prevail in all aspects of my life.

2- Resolve to be Kind to Others:

     Eliminate contention in my life and be compassionate, understanding, slow to judge and quick to forgive.

3- Resolve to be Resolute:

     The Lord loves effort, consistency, steadfastness.  Have persistent efforts to Hear Him and follow the inspiration He gives me.

So, I am back to life and all it has to offer.  I have learned much about myself over the past year; not all good, but I have a lot of good things I have done and still want to do in my life.  With these suggestions from President Nelson and my own personal desires, I am hoping to accomplish much in this new year.

I'm moving on.