Emotionally Flatlined

 It's been happening for a few months now.  Highs....lows....highs....more lows.  There's a list of symptoms that have been increasing over time;

tired - almost always

forgetfulness

foggy brain

no desires for anything that takes extra work

But here's the biggy.  A few weeks ago, I was asked to play the piano for two baptisms over in Frisco at the legacy building.  I've been there maybe 6-8 times over the 20 years I've lived in Texas.  I got there fine, but decided to stop at the store on the way home.  I stopped, purchased my few items, and then got back on what I thought was the main road.  Within 10, then 15, then 20 minutes or so, I realized I was lost.  I had no idea WHERE I was,  HOW I got there or WHAT to do at that point.  I panicked and got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety flood over me.  I cried.  I didn't know how to function any longer and so pulled over into the parking lot of a church and called Del.  

Del could tell I was lost.  It took minutes, but he was finally able to calm me down enough that I could read him the street names I was on and he was able to get me to a familiar street to where I could finally get myself home.  It was a very unsettling hour for me and took me another hour or so at home, alone in my room, to get myself put back together.

This week, on Wednesday, I went to the Dollar Store to buy a few things that I needed for a project I'm doing.  I bought my items and then went to my car and got in.  I fastened seat belt and then attempted to start the car.  The key wouldn't turn over.  I tried over and over again - even slipped in a plea to Heavenly Father once or twice for additional help, but the key would not turn.  It was getting a little hot in the car, so I opened my door, and as I did so, a lady stepped out of the store and yelled over at me, 'Ma'm - what are you doing in my car?'  My heart dropped to my feet and my blood literally FROZE in my veins!!  I quickly tried to take in all my surroundings, panicking that I wasn't seeing anything familiar to me.  Same car, make and model, but not mine.  I must have looked petrified because when I began crying out my apologies and tried to get out of the car, she came closer and asked if I was okay.  Over and over I said I was sorry.  She finally said it was okay and went back into the store.  I went to my car, got in, started it, but sat there another 20 minutes or so crying.  I wasn't sure I could even drive home.

Kathryn saw my tears and forced me to tell her what happened.  I didn't share with anyone else except the doctor when I went on Thursday.  Thank heavens it was time for my blood draw to test my hormone levels and improvements. if any, to refill my prescriptions.  Yesterday, I was called with the results.  I had indeed, improved in some areas, like I'm no longer pre-diabetic - my sugar levels were good BUT...the bad news?  I am what Del called HORMONALLY BANKRUPT.  I am depleted of about 4-5 major hormones in my body.  And these just happen to be the hormones that control my thinking, moods, emotions, memory etc.  I expressed to the nurse, that honestly, I really don't mind being slightly 'emotionally flatlined' - meaning, I don't get overly excited over anything, but I also don't get majorly depressed or sad.  I'm just flat lined.  It's almost how I need to handle life right now with everything.  But the doctor feels we need to take a deeper look into why I can't handle certain situations, but immediately shut down and stop functioning.  

A PHYSC evaluation.  That's what I'm scheduled for.  A PHYSC evaluation.  I think you give me an extra 4 hours of sleep a day, relieve me of a few obligations, have some stress taken off me and let me have some peace and I would be good to go.  But since that doesn't appear to be happening anytime in my near future, we're going to try and figure something else out.

So.  Stay tuned.  My next big project could end up being padding the walls of my bedroom...just for precautions sake.