"All is Calm, All is Bright"

I took a few moments today to put up the Christmas tree. 
It's beautiful and it, along with our other decorations, definitely put me in the Christmas spirit.
I don't think I have mentioned here, that I rejoined the MCO choir again this semester and next.  For three months, we have been having Thursday evening rehearsals and learning the 14 songs that we will be presenting in this Saturday's concerts.  Yesterday, I came down with a head cold and a touch of laryngitis...of course.  It's my body's way of dealing with anxiety and stress.  That's one of the reasons I decided to do the Christmas decorations this week - to calm my soul.  The songs are great and it's going to be a fun, exciting and great concert.  So I actually WANT to sing in it - it's just the anxiety I go through beforehand!
But I can do this/  My house is actually beautiful - calm - peaceful and joyful.  I've done a lot to prepare spiritually for Christmas this year.  My decorations are simple, but meaningful.  My heart is full and giving and I'm looking forward to all that this season will bring.

Gratitude For Blessings

Thanksgiving came and went last week.  As always, it was filled with lots of food, playing games and being with family and friends.
Our family dynamic has been strained over the past 6 months with decisions being made by my older children that have caused me a lot of reflection and various emotions.  Honestly, I wasn't quite sure how the Thanksgiving Holiday would go.  I am very much into peace and quiet in my home right now.  I'm shying away from all anxiety and stress and tend to cherish the moments of silence I find often in my home alone.
Because of the weather, our Thanksgiving Day plans were changed from our house to Kylie's house, as hers is more conducive to inside activities than ours is.  I still cooked most of the food and we took it over.  The day was actually fun - great food and a lot of it - games played by both the kids and the adults and then dad I left late that night to come home to a very quiet and clean house.  A fire was built and Del went to bed early, leaving me to enjoy the warmth of the fire and the quiet for my thoughts.  I took the opportunity to reflect on my blessings and the situation that I currently find my family in.  Although some situations of family life and the church have changed, I still love my children and grandchildren and the good people they are and the love they bring to the family.  Of course, eternal perspective of things may look a little different now, but I'm hoping that it hasn't changed enough that I lose all hope for my eternal family.
But sitting there in my home, reflecting on all the blessings and experiences I am enjoying in my life, I truly do realize that my family brings me comfort and joy.
Now, a few days later, the Christmas Season has arrived. 
Take each day as a blessing of another day here.
Enjoy each moment.
Love and be loved.
Serve and be served.
Give and receive with joy.
Acknowledge my Savior for who He is and what He has done for me.

Surprise!

It appears that two of our hens are in disguise!!  Apparently, we have TWO roosters out of our 18 hens!!  And just recently, they have been announcing themselves each morning with their newly found set of pipes!!  I love it, even though I don't want roosters.  But we'll keep them as long as they remain nice to all the ladies  The minute they get an attitude though, they're gone!!!

A Small Step Out of My Box

I love the safety and security of the little box I live in.
I don't go out much.
I don't socialize much.
I don't make friends.
BUT...I did last Saturday.  I had seen that a sister in the ward was having a 'pie party', where everyone is invited to bring a pie and come socialize and get to know others.  SOOOO out of my comfort zone.
But I went.  Had fun.  And lived through it....barely.
I figure, that in this next year, if I make the effort to do this once every month, that I might have a few new friends by the end of the year and feel a little more brave to do it again.

I Named Her 'Rolling'

The week before Thanksgiving, I woke on Thursday night at midnight with a sharp pain in my lower right side.  I lay in bed for a few hours, feeling the pain gradually intensify, until I finally went to my computer to do some google research as to what it might be.  I was pretty sure it was my appendix.
After two more hours of pain and in and out of the bathroom a dozen times, I woke Del up telling him I was going to drive myself to the hospital while I still could.  Del's work has been absolutely CRAZY the past few weeks, with his day beginning around 6:00 am and not finishing until right around 7:00 the same night.  I knew he would not be able to be with me.  But I also knew that if I waited any longer, I wouldn't be able to get myself to the ER.
Long story short....it was a stone: either a kidney stone or a gall stone.  And it hurt.  The pain was pretty intense and resulted with me in tears for a few hours.  I was there at 4:00 am and didn't receive any relief until about 10:00.  I had morphine, which did nothing, and then they gave me something else which did cut the pain.  But not knowing if the pain would return once the medicine wore off, they admitted me to the hospital to observe things for a few hours.  By 3:00, the assessed that the stone had passed from a CT scan and I was good to go home.  Kathryn and Ammon came to get me and take me and the car hone.  Del had come a few hours earlier to visit and check on me but wasn't able to stay.  Once I got home, I was fine, as if nothing had even happened.
I called my mother to tell her I was sure I had delivered a baby, so we decided to name the stone -
ROLLING....

Exactly

I just don't get it..

Such a Kind Gesture of Love

My bread baking business has been huge over the past three months.  I am baking every Tuesday and Friday, and then I introduced to my choir group and added another baking day of Thursday.  I was using my reliable Bosch that I have had for over 30 years and it was suffering over the past month with squealing aches and pains.  I mentioned all of this on facebook, just as information for my followers of comings and goings.  A few days later, a large package came from Wayfair for me.  Inside, was a brand new Bosch.  Ammon and Kathryn informed me it was a gift, from my brother Garth.  Now THAT stopped me dead in my tracks.  The reason he gave for such a kind gesture?  He wanted me to know he loved me. 
I was humbled....and grateful.  And I let him know of my gratitude and love for him too.

Saturday Slime Day

Madison and Lucy LOVE slime.
Well, a few weeks ago when I was over at their house, I happened to be cleaning up the kitchen and found two bowls on the table, of which contained this awful looking stuff that I thought was left over food.  I of course, washed out the bowls that I was later told, was indeed, slime.  Madi was sad I had thrown it away, so I promised to buy her new.
Del and I took it over Saturday morning and the fun began..

'Resting" Watching BYU Sports

A month or so ago, Del hurt his foot.  He can't pinpoint when the moment was, but it has been hurting ever since.  Del is not one to rest much and there isn't much that will keep him down.  But this foot issue has definitely slowed him down.  So he's been wearing this boot while he's been home.  And of course, with it being BYU football AND basketball season, I am giving him plenty of opportunities to rest, while watching BYU sports with me!
We've added a new treat to our game time ritual too - homemade Orange Julius!!  LOVE THEM!!

Season's are Changing

November brought a lot of rain and cooler temperatures.  Our creek in the back filled up several times and then over the following weeks, the color of the leaves began to change.  Last Sunday, as I was backing into my parking place, I saw this Beautiful tree in my rear view mirror, lit up with bright red leaves.  I was so grateful to a Heavenly Father who would allow such a beautiful part of nature to touch my heart.
After we came home from church, it was such a lovely warm day, that I decided to do my scripture study of Come Follow Me out on the back lawn.  Del came out and joined me after awhile and we were able to enjoy an hour of study together and enjoying the day at the same time.  Of course, Del's eyes began to wander around the yard and soon enough, he was finding and rake and began leveling out one of our garden beds.  I reminded him that it was Sunday AND he was in one of his better suite!  His reply, 'It's not breaking the Sabbath day if I'm still in my suit'.

My World

These people are the core of my joy in life.
Of course, I love their parents too, but these 6 people have my heart.

Pumpkin Carving With the Other Lott's

Ammon has a little recording studio in his office and Emerson had some songs he wanted to sing.

Little Evie loves lounging on Uncle Ammon and Aunt Chica's bed, watching Disney shows.

I Could Have Used a Xanax, or Two!!

My 'scary monster' reared it's ugly head last night.
Anxiety.  Panic Attack.  Melt down.
I don't even have a prescription for Xanax; not that I think  it would have helped last night.
Soft Swirlz was invited to an Open House last night in McKinney.  It's the venue where Jordan works, so instead of Del going, I was assigned to go and Jordan would help out and then stay to do the cleaning afterwards. I'm usually okay with those situations, especially because I have been doing the most recent events on my own anyways.  I had no reason to be nervous.
I followed Jordan over to the event.  He took a back road; a 'shorter way' that he takes every night when he goes.  I didn't pay much attention to the various turns and switchbacks, figuring I would just follow my google maps on the way back home, but it got us to the venue in record time.  We had everything set up in record time, with Jordan being in charge of the machine and I was in charge of the table decor and supplies. By 5:45, we were ready for the first guests to arrive at 6:00p.m.
And they did. 
We had a steady flow of brides and grooms coming through and we were serving our yummy ice cream and giving our 10 minute 'pitch' to each couple with great reviews.  Jordan was mostly dispensing the ice cream, but on the occasion that I needed to dispense, I would.  I didn't notice, until about the 3-4th time though, that we were using our oldest machine; one that I hadn't used in probably over a year.  It was one of the quieter machines and has our nice logo on it, but it's my least favorite in that it's harder to monitor the temperature on it for the flow of ice cream.
About an hour in to the evening, the machine started freezing up, not allowing the ice cream to dispense evenly.  Jordan started trying to adjust the temperature.  My heart started racing.  The more Jordan tried to fix things, the worse it got to where, finally, it just completely froze up and nothing would come out.
I needed a Xanax; badly.  I was trying SOOO desperately to not panic in front of Jordan and allow him to be in control.  I could feel my heart just racing.  I called Del, trying to get any type of relief I could as to how to fix things.  He tried to walk Jordan through things - nothing worked.  We had guests that we were not able to serve ice cream to and asking to' return as soon as we had the machine working again'.  Jordan was frustrated and embarrassed.  I had gone outside several times to hide my panic from Jordan and allow him space to think clearly without seeing his mother have a melt down. I called Del again, only to frustrate him too, knowing he couldn't help us and hung up on him.  I was offering up desperate prayers to Heavenly Father to give Jordan some type of clarity as to how to resolve our situation. It was for a solid 20-30 minutes that this situation was our chaos before Jordan finally had things back under control. 
But that 20-30 minutes changed me into a completely different person from the confident and supportive companion Jordan had been working with hours before, to an observing owner of Soft Swirlz and I couldn't function.  The tasks I did do were robotic.  My conversations with guests were confusing and I was missing details and warmth.  I was useless.
By the time it was 9:00 p.m., Jordan was still visiting with some other vendors in the room and within 10 minutes, I had everything packed up and ready to get out of there.  I was even racing the machine to the car, ready to pack it up myself when Jordan slowed me down to help with it and said, 'Wow, mom, I know you want to leave, but let me get this heavy stuff for you'.  He had no idea how badly I wanted to leave. With everything in the car, I said my goodbyes and thank you's to Jordan and was driving out of the parking lot like a crazy lady.  I realized I needed to stop and take a moment to get my head on straight, as I had no clue how to get home.  Jordan had kindly put the way home on my google maps, so I took the time to pull it up, say a calming prayer, and drove home.  There were definitely some sharp turns and unexpected detours that I hadn't remembered, and I'm pretty sure I got some really good 'air' going over the railroad tracks at 75mph.  THAT flight did bring me to a realization that I wanted to make it home in one piece, so I slowed things up and tried to breathe deeply to calm my racing heart. 
The icing on the anxiety cake came as I pulled into the driveway and the garage was closed.  I was needing to back into the garage to unload the machine and MY garage door opener was in Kathryn's car.  This meant I was going to have to get out of the car, go in the house, open the garage door and THEN back into the garage.  I went to the front door.  It was locked.  My keys were still in my car.  GROWL!!!!  I stomped to the back door where I see through the window Del, Kathryn and Ammon playing Boggle.  I opened the back door LOUDLY and slammed it closed.  Del asks 'what's wrong' and I answer LOUDLY that the garage door is closed, lacing each work with TOTAL aggravation and inconvenience.  I open the garage door, back the car in, and begin unloading everything.  Del comes out and tries to have a conversation that I refuse to be a part of and I silently put everything away.
Back in my quiet place, I have removed my make up, undressed and sit in this safe haven of my office and TRY to decompress from the monster that has taken over my body.  I'm angry over the experience I have had.  I'm overcome by the fear I experienced and the anxiety I was living through.
I'm angry that I didn't know how to fix things and that if Jordan hadn't been there, the TOTAL disaster I would have been left to deal with. 
The emotions are overwhelming and I spend hours last night, trying to relieve my body and mind of the anxiety attack that took over.  Now this morning, I'm calm.  Sleepless and tired, but I'm finally calm.
I'm too old for this.  Anxiety and panic attacks should only be for the young.  You would think that I have been through and experienced enough in my life, that I would fear nothing and be able to cope with all emotions and situations without having an anxiety/panic attack; RIGHT??
WRONG!

Best of Times on Blackjack Oaks Road

Our family LOVES the fall in our backyard.
We love all things leaves falling, bonfires, samores, scones, games, chickens, coats, sweaters, hats , scarves, Papa, and spooky scary storytelling.
Some of our best memories made are in the backyard at Papa and Nana's house.
And these are some pictures of just the beginning of the fall of 2019.

GUILTY

Someone got caught with his spoon in the ice cream bowl!!!

Soft Swirlz is Spreading It's Joy

We're not as busy as Del would like us to be, but we ARE getting our name out there!!
We have about 4-5 events a month now and are taking in a small income monthly and lately, it's been ME doing most of the events.  I hate the prep time, the traveling time and the take down time..  But once I'm there, I enjoy the interaction with the guests.  I end up exhausted but glad for the memory.
I forget to take pictures of every event, but these are the most recent events we have done.

Saturday with the Lott's

Jordan and Lexi love to sneak over with the kids for 2-3 hour spurts of fun and memories.
This past Saturday, they came over and we had a variety of memories made -
pumpkin decorating, recording sessions and the movie for Evie.
They also helped Del with some gardening and weeding of the front yard before we went over to their house and Del helped with a little of their backyard projects too.
It's always fun to spend time with family.

A Pill That's Hard to Swallow

Kylie has decided to leave the church.
She no longer believes in the doctrine and teaching of the church, no longer believes in the book of Mormon and does not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God.
It has been weeks in the coming and even a year or so of her researching and learning information provided by some who have previously left the church and other apostates.  But she had hinted of it during the past few weeks, but officially discussed her decision with Del and me last night.
We are, of course, saddened by her decision and have discussed our feelings and thoughts between each other for a month, knowing this was coming.  We are resigned to the fact that she no longer believes, feel she's lost her focus on the Savior and Heavenly Father and is gravitating towards something that now relieves her of covenants and laws.  You know, if you remove God from your life, you are left with the laws of man and she feels more comfortable meeting the expectations of man than God.  She has just read and chooses to believe those readings of others that has left her with doubts of the truthfulness of church details.  I understand, but it has changed her life of faith, to a life of what others profess to be untold truths. 
Mike remains with his testimony of the gospel and his desires to live his covenants with God.  I'm glad Mike loves Kylie and we pray their marriage will survive this change.  Only 18% of marriages survive a spouse leaving the church.  The statistics show 82% end in divorce.
In Del's and my discussions, we are grateful for the gift of agency and choices.  I expressed to Kylie last night that I only want her to have joy with her husband, her children and in her life.  I was sad that she had chosen a different path to have that joy, but that in this earthly life, I want us to be a joyful and loving family.  I want us to care for each other, make memories and share life's experiences together surrounded by an abundance of love and support of finding happiness. It's just going to be on different paths.
Kylie is a good person.  She has just changed her focus from that of loving God first .  She has removed God from her life.  She has no relationship with her Heavenly Father or his Son, Jesus Christ.  She finds joy somewhere else.  But she is trying to be a good person aside from that.  Whether or not she will be able to find that joy, has yet to be seen.
I have my doubts she will ever have true joy again.

Moroni 7 - Who is MY Judge??

One of my biggest weaknesses has always been in the judging of others choices and actions.  I can't help but wonder why someone is not wearing their garments, or chooses to do certain activities on the Sabbath Day or make certain comments at church that give pause of concern.
Last Saturday, while Del and I were serving ice cream at the Aubrey Peanut Festival, several members of the church came by our booth to get ice cream and it was obvious, by their dress, that they were not wearing garments.  Del and I both made comments about it to each other.  I have noticed in facebook posts of certain members, that several of their pictures are taken while not wearing their garments.  Both Jordan and Kylie don't wear their garments during certain activities but fail to put them on after the activities are done. 
But these people are all, still, good people.
But they are not keeping covenants.  But not my place to judge?
No, not my place to judge.
My scripture study today  finally got me out of the book of Ether, the final chapters ending in the same blood and carnage of millions that were slaughtered in wars due to unrighteousness: That the Lord had ceased to abide with them.  I am now in Moroni where the spirit has once again, given comfort to my soul as the sacrament prayers are introduced and meetings are held with the spirit of the Holy Ghost. 
And now, in chapter 7, it explains how the Spirit of Christ allows us to know good from evil and how, bottom line, 'all things which are good cometh of God; and that which is evil cometh of the devil. The good and evil being defined here are by the standards given us by God, not of the world. That which is of God 'inviteth and enticeth us to do good continually'. God is very specific in what He considers to be 'good'.  His definition of 'good' is keeping his commandments and doing all things in our lives to turn us towards him and his teachings. 
Of course, if you are to take God out of the equation, and the discussion becomes, 'Am I a good person?' Who becomes your judge??  what then, is your definition of good? What is your definition of right and wrong?  It can only be the definition given us by man, because man is the only other person to give a definition of right or wrong, and good from evil.  It's the world's definition.
So the question asked then is; Who's definition do we measure ourselves by?  God's or man's?
That answer also tells us who's opinion we value more and who we actually serve.  God or man?
Moroni teaches me that 'the Spirit of Christ is given to EVERY man, that he may know good from evil'. And with that Spirit of Christ, Moroni teaches how we can know good from evil, right from wrong.  And we ARE to use that Spirit of Christ TO JUDGE GOOD FROM EVIL. Moroni teaches the simple truth that, verse 16, 'every thing which enviteth  to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know "with a PERFECT KNOWLEDGE it is of God". And the same is explained about evil -  verse 17, 'whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a PERFECT KNOWLEDGE it is of the devil.'
So, in defining good from evil, WHO IS MY JUDGE???  GOD or MAN???

"Governing Themselves"

I thought once I raised my children and they married and had children of their own, that I would no longer experience any heartache or troubles in parenting anymore.
False doctrine!!
Today's post is going to be the opening of my mind and the sharing of all my thoughts for the past month. I'm not really concerned as to the privacy of my children being abused because no-one really reads my blog anyways but me - my kids don't even read it.
As per the scripture that  refers to raising our children with 'correct principles and then allowing them to govern themselves'...that is truly the most difficult principle in the gospel for me.  I don't want to allow them to govern themselves because they make mistakes!! Del and I have raised our children in the church with the kids, for the most part, accepting and believing in the same gospel principles that we do.  Kathryn didn't start her questioning, or rebelling until like around the age of 14 or so.  I remember her asking me one day, 'what if I just don't believe what you believe?' Can that even happen??!!  I figured Kathryn was just being lazy in not wanting to attend Seminary, go to church for three hours, go to Young Womens on Wednesdays and then girls camp in the summer.  It was just SO much for her.  So we just didn't push it.  We allowed her to think on her own and believe and do what she wanted.  With Jordan and Kylie?  They just always believed and followed 'the gospel and all it's commandments'.  We NEVER had any issues with them growing up with the principles of the gospel.
Over the past year, because of Jordan's work schedule and a few other factors, Jordan has gradually become inactive.  He doesn't question the gospel, but he is overwhelmed by the many things asked of him to do, meetings to attend etc etc.  He works the night shift of his job and gets home just in time to go to bed; usually around 6:00 a.m.  This makes it impossible for him to attend our 8:00am Sacrament meeting, so for months, Lexi was bringing the kids on her own.  Lexi has always been faithful and diligent in serving and remaining faithful in the church.  But it just got to be too much for her.  They finally decided to try and go to a later sacrament meeting ward, but that has even fallen by the wayside now, and the whole family stays home.
Watching this process has been heart breaking for me. 
Mike and Kylie are experiencing some of the same, but to a higher degree.  Kylie has not only become overwhelmed with life and the church, but she has actually been reading materials and talking with others who question the doctrines of the church, and has now pretty much decided, that she no longer wants to live the gospel principles or attend church at all.  She feels the church does not meet the needs that she and others have and that the church is even hurtful to those who are struggling with LGBT issues or certain gospel principles.  Her main issues are that if Heavenly Father truly loves all his children, he will allow them to live as families in the next life, even if they aren't members of the church or have temple blessings.  And if GOd DOESN"T allow that, then she doesn't want to be a member of that kind of church anyways.  This is Kylie. mind you, not Mike.  Mike still has a testimony, but is very much influenced by Kylie's emotions and thoughts.  When I mention to Kylie that God makes the rules, and GOD decides whom to bless, she basically tells me that we all have BELIEFS - and that's all they are - beliefs.  I have faith of God's plan.  She does not.  And because of this, she feels her beliefs are as valid as my beliefs, as neither of us can prove anything to be true. So she has asked to be released as Young Women's President and has decided to no longer attend her meetings.  As far as Mike and the kids?  I don't know.
Watching THIS process has also been heart breaking for me.
Kathryn and Ammon have moved into our home.  We invited them to live with us for a few years as they try to get pregnant and save money to buy a house.  It has only been a few weeks that they have been with us, but it has been very joyful and fun to have them in our home.  They are very helpful with everything and very respectful of our desires.  They are active in living the gospel, even though I know they have questions too, but they attend weekly and continue to try and learn from me and dad more about the gospel.
Currently, Lexi and Jordan have an issue with Ammon - something happened a couple of months ago between Ammon and Lexi, and apparently Lexi won't be around Ammon at all.  Stressful.  Ammon has apologized - I don't know details of the situation, but this has caused a lot of stress at family get togethers.  I'm personally very tired of the whole lack of forgiveness and acting like adults.  My opinion doesn't seem to matter though, so I basically try to invite family over out of courtesy only to hope that no-one comes and we can just have peace and harmony over here. Jordan and Lexi DID come over the other night with everyone here, but Ammon , not wanting to have them or anyone else feel uncomfortable, tucked himself away out of the way of those who might not want to be around him.  As I observed this, I was angry that someone that LIVES in my home and now makes it HIS home too, felt the need to accommodate a visitor to the home.  I won't let that happen again.  I have no plans to invite any of them over for Thanksgiving.  We will have it here in my home for those that live here.  Del is not real thrilled with my decision.  But my thinking is...in MY home, there will be kindness and joy.  If you can't bring that with you when you come over, then don't come.
Now, my sister Rachel.  She doesn't read this either - but her situation has my heart broken also.  Her husband Mike, has apparently been dealing with pornography issues their whole marriage.  Rachel didn't find out until about 9 months ago.  It was devastating to her - and she has taken it very hard.  At first, upon finding out, Mike was VERY humble and repentant, desiring to do anything and everything he can to keep their marriage together.  Well, 9 months of time has eased that urgency a little bit to where he has actually slipped up a few more times, AND tried to hide and lie about it to Rachel.  He is demanding her to be more forgiving and tolerant of his mistakes as he has been with her mistakes in the past.  I have tried, the whole 9 months, to be in continual contact with Rachel, giving words of encouragement and counsel to help her keep the marriage together.  But just this past weekend, she feels she has hit her max when Mike came home with a new temple recommend of which he basically flaunted in front of Rachel's face.  She met with her Bishop and has basically decided to have a trial separation from Mike.  They were supposed to go visit with the stake president that same night, of which I've heard nothing about yet.
But once again, my heart is broken.
General conference was this past weekend.  More changes made - 8 new temples announced - new temple recommend questions - Young men and Young Women's programs changed - progression progression progression. And an announcement that something big is going to happen at the next General Conference in April.  I was with a friend at the Women's General meeting Saturday night, and as some of these announcements are being made, she leaned over to me and said, "I feel there is a water hose of changes being made and the hose is being shoved down our throats." I could tell she was feeling overwhelmed by everything swirling around her.
How many members of the church feel this way???
Is the church and it's doctrine really THAT overwhelming and difficult for it's members??  Change is good.  Progress is good.  New truths and learning is good.  What will ever happen to the members of the church, when the higher law and teachings is presented for us to live?  Have we not been being prepared for the full restoration of the gospel? Is this a weeding out of the faithful members and is this weeding out taking my children with it???
One of the main themes streaming through the conference talks was that of becoming 'More Holy'.
The past two weeks of my scripture reading has left me very dissatisfied and discouraged as it pertains solely to the elimination of generations of people through wars and bloodshed.  It talks of carnage and bodies heaped upon each other, so many as they cannot be counted.  Total death and destruction of a people who will not repent. Of course, I am reading in Ether, near the end of the Book of Mormon and I really want to get closer to the end where it is a whole lot more positive. But these past weeks have not set a really peaceful tone for me for the day.  That is a lot of sin going on.  But we are experiencing the same degree of evil right now in our own country.  Next year will end our 4 years of leadership with Donald Trump.  I can barely write his name without cringing in total disgust.  I can't stand the man - feel he is evil to the core.  And the one or two things he HAS done good for our country are soooo overshadowed by the evil man that he is.  I feel that for the past 4 years, he has led this nation in the most narcissistic way, not really sustaining us as the great country we used to be.  He knows nothing of government - and not really been correctly educated as to the position of President of our country.  So he definitely has been left to 'govern himself' with what little he knows.  I feel like we have lived the past 4 years in the toilet.
Okay.  I've expressed it all. -
It's  been a struggle to try and FEEL the spirit in my life with all these conflicting emotions and experiences I've shared.  But the spirit HAS been the only thing that has brought me any comfort.  I cling to it with hope for brighter days.  I have faith that somehow, hearts will be softened and I'll be able to accept kindly, the choices that are being made, especially by my children.  My hopes and visions of an extended eternal family seem to be fading for me.  I can't imagine the consequences of the choices being made.  And I can't do anything but love them and try to show them by example, the truthfulness of the Lord's plan.
I pray for strength to endure.

Better Late Than Never

It's 5:00 a.m. and I am schedule for a Colonoscopy today at noon.
I should have had one ten years ago, as my doctor so adamantly pointed out at my last annual check up.  It's one of those procedures that you have to do 'when you get old' - like mammograms, and cancer checks etc. 
But I guess I now qualify.  I always thought that old was around the age of 60.  That will be me in January, so I figured I would get all of these procedures knocked out of the way so that on my 60th birthday, I could declare myself  'healthy' from head to toe, until my next check up.
I asked Del the other day if, when younger, he ever wondered what physical ailments he might have to endure as an aging adult. 'NEVER'.  Of course he didn't.  But I did. My mom had double breast cancer and arthritis - my dad ended up dying of Parkinson's disease.  I would have NEVER guessed that  would be what took his life. 
So, what would I suffer from??  I've had skin cancer, I have EARLY symptoms of Parkinson's, and honestly, I'm losing my memory.  I have anxiety and panic attacks, but nothing really that indicates I could die from it.  So, that's good.  Del has MS, but is he dying from it?  Not currently, although he DOES have a lot of discomfort/pain from it.  He's going to die from me driving him crazy!!
Wish me luck today.  The prep has only required me to stay close to a bathroom.  Otherwise, I've dropped a good five pounds of pure water and waste weight.  See, there IS a positive side to all this.
I'm having a general anesthesia so I'll come home slightly groggy, but it makes for a great excuse to just park myself on the couch and watch college football !!
Happy day!

BYU Devotional by President Russel M. Nelson - The Love and Laws of God

Truth #1 - We are sons and daughters of God and he has chosen for us to be on this earth at this time.

Truth #2 - Truth is Truth - truth is from God and not from any other source.
                  Absolute truth cannot be altered by the opinions of man.
                  Truth is based upon God's law.

Truth #3 - God Loves Us with Perfect Love
                 God wants us to CHOOSE to return and live with him.
                 The entire reason we are here on earth is to qualify to live with him forever.
                 There is a strong connection between God's love and His laws.  His law reflects His perfect
                  love for us.
                 Divine law is incontrovertible - it's an absolute truth - it always works - His gift to us.
                    1- All blessings are predicated upon obedience to the law - God's greatest blessings are                             reserved for those who obey His laws.
                    2- Every kingdom, a law is given.

Truth #4 - The Lord appoints prophets and apostles to teach His law.
                 They are commanded to teach truth and hold firm to the laws of God.
                 Prophet and apostles are able to make POLICY changes but not LAW changes

Truth #5 - The Whisperings of the Holy Ghost can testify of Truth
                 We can know for ourselves of truth by seeking confirmation from the Holy Ghost.
                 Ask if church is true - Ask if Prophet and apostles are called of God - ask if this
                  message today is true -
                 
President Nelson then invoked a blessing upon the congregation, as prophet of the church, that any listening to this message would be blessed to be able to discern right from wrong, between the laws of God and the conflicting voices of the world. And with power to detect Satan's deceptions and a greater capacity to receive revelation.

The Millennial Mormon

I'm obsessed with this topic.
Mainly because my three children are millennials.
But also because, there are many millennial I know in the church and in my family, that are leaving the church. And I want to know why.  I know what I am being told by some, I know what my own children are telling me, but I'm refusing to believe that there isn't more to the story.
In my generation, the Generation X, we LOVED and revered our church leaders.  They are men of God.  We didn't question them because we truly believed, and still believe that they speak for our Father in Heaven.  We loved our living prophet, his counselors and the quorum of the twelve. We had their pictures on the walls of our homes.  Our children KNEW who their prophet was and loved and prayed for him.
So I am stunned to see the #2 bullet point.  Is there some priesthood leadership 'cover-up' in the church about some unknown doctrine I don't know about??? I am told, that the main principle of church history that is affecting those questioning the truthfulness of the church is about Joseph Smith, the First Vision and the Book of Mormon.  Apparently, there are details that have many wondering the validity of experiences shared by Joseph Smith - his prayer, vision and then actions following the first vision.  And then, knowing those differences in the story, church leaders have hidden the controversy from members of the church to only keep members focused on the facts they want us to know, to avoid faith based questions.  Personally, I don't care how many versions of the First Vision Joseph Smith shared or wrote, only that the ultimate result is the same - he saw the Father and the Son and was told what he was told.  But to those questioning the facts, they don't like the differencing of the versions shared.  They want consistency - no variations. That certainly wouldn't lead me to questions - but it does to others.
Also, I would NEVER believe the prophet or brethren to lie to the members of the church - or not provide the truth.  The question is though, are they telling us 'the whole truth' or are they holding things back from us?  I don't know.  What don't we know that we NEED to know?  If the Lord felt we needed to know something, then I believe he would lead our prophet to give us any and all information the Lord wants us to have to be able to return and live with Him.  What else do I need to know??? But to those questioning?  Apparently that is not enough.  They want the WHOLE truth and story to be able to judge for themselves.  Sometimes, the Lord with holds that from us because we are not prepared to live the higher law, or do with the whole knowledge what needs to be done.  Sometimes, getting all you asked for is not for the best.
LGBT issues: - of course the church has a stand on this issues.  It's God's law given to members of the church.  They are not commandments and laws of man that we are asked to live.  And we certainly don't conform to the desires of man, just so they can 'feel better'.  If the church doesn't meet your ideals or needs, then by all means, it is most likely not for you.  But we can't ask God to change truth to accommodate those who get their feelings hurt because they don't meet that standard of truth.  Those questioning though, believe the church should be 'all inclusive'.  That's like giving everyone a trophy just for participation.  Or allowing all the same benefits in a company just because they're employed by the same boss. NO, blessings are earned by obedience to GOD's commandments.  You don't get the same health benefits if you smoke and drink alcohol as the participant who DOESN'T smoke or drink.    Blessings are EARNED. Temple attendance is sacred and only allowed to those who have lived a life that merits those blessings.  God has established laws about same sex marriages, homosexuality/lesbianism  and in order to receive HIS blessings in HIS church, you have to obey HIS rules.  If you want something other than that, then you have to choose another path for you.  Why would you insist on making GOD change HIS church to accommodate your lifestyle and choices?? Because He loves you?  Yes, He does.  He loves ALL his children and has given us all the gift of agency.  So if in using that gift of agency, you choose to do something contrary to His will, you lose the blessing.  You don't still get what you would have gotten had you been obedient to His law.
Do I understand everything of the feelings and stand of those questioning the church?  Of course not.  But I do know one thing.  God will NEVER change truth and His law to make his children happy.  He expects them to be happy and joyful by LIVING the law that he promises will bring us ultimate joy and happiness   And I believe him when he says that he knows what that is for me.  I would much rather trust him than trying to figure it out for myself in this world we live in.
Abandoning our faith because it doesn't answer all the questions would be like closing the shutters because we can't see the entire mountain.
It is consistent, repetitive holy behaviors that will shape us into children of God and consecrate our souls.

Did I Teach Them Enough??

Millennial Tears

I'm the mother of three Millennials. Age 32, age 30 and age 26.
Definition of a Millennial?  There were SOOO many to choose from - but this image above showed the opinion from those who ARE millennials and from those who AREN'T milliennials.  In my opinion?  Almost accurate -there are a few more adjectives I would add to the list, but not here.
What do I mean?  All three of my children are extremely determined to be independent, free thinkers and creative in their ways of making money.  Once they decide to do something, they give it 100% of their effort and time and show not an ounce of laziness in trying to accomplish their goal.  They have sooo many of the positive qualities of the Millennial - but they also have sooo many of the negative.  It was the same in my generation.  I had a lot of the positive characteristics, right along with most of the negative one's too.  And just like I am now crying over some of the choices being made by my three millennials, my parents cried over my generation X choices just the same.
MY difficulty is trying to love them the same after they make their choices.  I am confessing that I have the worst characteristic of being judgmental.  It has been something that I have struggled with my whole life.  A very UN-Christlike quality, I tend to feel differently towards people who don't make, what I think, are the right choices.  I tend to judge them as 'less' or 'not worthy of' blessings or love from me or my Heavenly Father.  How can I justify that??  I can't.  And I HAVE to repent.  I am NO-ONE to feel that I can think anything less of someone because I feel they have chosen a path I would not find acceptable.  Therein lies ME, the sinner.
I love each of my children.  I do.  But I also judge them, in my mind, as they choose things contrary to what they have been taught from Del and me, as their parents.  I fail to realize that they received the SAME beautiful gift from our Father in Heaven, that of AGENCY.  They are able to CHOOSE FOR THEMSELVES the path they will live.  Yes, my heart aches when I feel they choose something contrary to what I feel is right.  BUT I CANNOT stop loving them as I have always loved them.  That would make ME THE SINNER.. and that's what I've been doing.
My love for my children must be unconditional.  I have prayed for the Lord to soften my heart from hurt and anger...and this morning, as I read and studied my scriptures, I could actually see and feel towards my children, some love not previously there.  I still cry over my fears of losing my children spiritually, but cannot control their choices.  But I CAN love them as MY children, as people, as friends and as parents of my sweet grandchildren.  I can love them because they are good people, making so many other good choices.
Making the same choices I make does NOT make someone good or bad.
And that applies to anyone - my children, my friends, my family and other church members.
I want to be as my Savior and LOVE.  It IS the only feeling a mother should have for her children.
This is my desire.  This is my hearts desire.

PS - 2 hours later -
Every day, at various times of the day, I read the church news off my computer.
And I did this about 2 hours after writing this post.  In one of the talks given from President Dallin Oaks at a Regional conference in Arizona, I read the following quote, that I found important to acknowledge in concerns to this post.
It read as follows: Unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of bad behavior
I must remember this.  I don't ever want there to be the mistake of my unconditional love giving the impression that I am accepting of sin.

Personal Lessons Learned in the Scriptures

This morning, in my scripture study, I was reading about the visit of the Savior to the America's after His resurrection.  This is my favorite part of the Book of Mormon.  This is the part where more than anything, I wish I could have been there to share in the experience of the Savior coming and blessing His 'sheep' in the land Bountiful.  These are the people of Nephi, the grandson of Helaman, and for the most part, they love the Lord and are trying to live a righteous life, with the occasional pride cycle taking a turn in their generation.
In Chapter 11, it begins with a great multitude being gathered around the temple, where they are talking about  'this Jesus Christ' of whom the sign had been given concerning his death. During this conversation, they suddenly hear, as if from the heavens, a voice of which they cannot understand.  It's not a loud voice nor a harsh voice, but a 'small voice which did pierce them that did hear it, to their very soul, and did 'cause their hearts to burn'.
I've never felt that.  Have you??  Yes, I have been stirred at times, to the words shared by our prophets during General conference, or even during a song - it pierces me to my soul.  But is that same as these people felt? 
The voice came a second time and the people still not understand that which was being said.  Then the third time they did hear the voice, 'they did open their ears to hear it' and looked upward to heaven.  The third time, they finally understood what was being said, and in verse 7, the Father introduces his Son, 'Behold My Beloved Son...hear ye him'.
This is where the first lesson for me is taught.
The Father spoke 3 times, trying to get the attention of the people.  And not until the third time, did they finally 'open their ears to hear it', and understood what the Father was saying.  Typical of me to be one that doesn't hear until the 3rd or even 4th time.  Are you the same?  How many of us do not hear the words of the prophets, our Bishop, our Stake President and other priesthood leaders.  Our ears are not open, so we do not FEEL the piercing of their message.  The piercing does NOT come until we have prepared ourselves to HEAR and OBEY the message - THEN we feel the piercing in our hearts and soul.  THAT is when we make the changes asked of us.
The heavens open and the Savior descends down to stand in the midst of the multitude.  All eyes are on him and all mouths are silenced.  They don't speak a word, mainly because they are not quite sure who he is - maybe an angel?  The Savior sees they do not know who he is - so in versus 10 and 11, he introduces himself as Jesus Christ, the light of the world, explains garden of Gethsemane and suffered the will of the Father in all things.
As soon as Jesus finishes his introduction, the multitude immediately fell to the earth as they remember that it had been prophesied that Christ would show himself unto them after his resurrection.  And now, He was here.  Prophesy was fulfilled.  THEY were the people he promised to visit.  And now he was here.
This is where the second lesson for me is taught.
Have we not received a similar prophecy in our latter days?  Will he not, again, return and 'show himself' to his people of the world?  Do I believe what I have been told, or do I , as many of them did, no longer believe the promises and prophecy made of his return?  It has been a long time that the Second coming has been prophesied of?  Generations and centuries have passed and he has still not returned.  We are told 'the time is near'  What does near mean?  In my lifetime? The lifetime of my children? Grandchildren?
The fact is, it doesn't matter when.  It only matters that it WILL happen.  That is what we are promised.  It WILL happen, and he WILL return.  And I'm to continue my path of obedience, trusting the prophecy, that even if not in my lifetime, he WILL return and my obedience to his plan and commandments is all that will save me at that time.  The covenants and promises I have made to Him are still required, whether I'm here when he returns or not.
These next versus are where my desire to' be there in the moment' come into play.  The Savior turns to the multitude and invites them 'to arise and come forward' so they can thrust their hands into his side and feel the prints of the nails in his hands and his feet.
What??!!  They are invited to TOUCH the Savior - to have physical contact with a resurrected being who was their Savior.  How many people do you think were  there?  Thousands -?  Maybe more?  And yet, the next verse says that the multitude went forth and did exactly as he had invited them to do.  ONE BY ONE, they thrust their hands into his side; touched his feet and hands, all the way down to the very last person in line.
This is where the third lesson for me is taught.
Why??  Why did the Savior invite those thousands in the multitude to come forward and TOUCH him?  And not just touch him, but touch the wounds caused from his crucifixion??  The hands, his feet and his side - all injuries made from the act of the Crucifixion.
They became witnesses of who he was.  The Savior wanted them to KNOW who he was.  No longer faith, no longer just a prophecy, but a fulfillment of prophecy and the promise made from the Father of us all.  They were now witnesses that He was indeed the God of Israel, God of the whole earth and the one who had been prophesied of by the prophets.  They had a personal witness.  And they once again 'fell to the earth'.
Will I EVER be invited to have a similar experience with the Savior??  Most likely, not in this life.  In fact, I'm a 100% sure it will NEVER happen in my lifetime.  Does this relieve me of  the Saviors desire for me to have a 'personal witness' of who he is??  Can I only have this witness by personal physical experience?  No.  I can still ask for and receive a witness that the Savior is EXACTLY who he says he is.  But I have to live by faith.  The need for faith has not been removed from MYwitness experience.  I have to believe that his nail prints in his hands and his feet, and the gash in his side, were for me.  I can't touch them.  I can't see them.  But I can know they were for me.  But all by faith.
I have my personal witness.

Dealing with My Emotional 'Skeletons'

 I've been an emotional wreck for years.  I know you hear a lot of people say that and it usually means for about 10 years or so.  But no, I really mean I've been dealing with it for YEARS. Like 51 years, to be exact.
At around age 8, my grandfather started sexually abusing me.  It wasn't once, or twice, but over a period of about 3-4 years, it was continual.  There were many times that I spent the night at Grammie and Grandpa's house, and he seemed to always do it after Grammie would go to bed.  Otherwise, it was most often at my house when he and Grammie would come to visit. I didn't tell anyone for multiple reasons, the main one being, my grandpa told me not to. Plus, at first, I didn't know there was anything wrong with what he was doing as he told me it was a way for him to show me he loved me.  It made sense. I never questioned his explanation until I FELT it was wrong, like around age 10. Then I started questioning why he always took me into my bedroom to show me he loved me, and why he only did it when no-one else was around.  I started to feel uncomfortable,  enough to the point that I would hide or make myself scarce whenever he would come to the house.
At some point, the abuse stopped.  I honestly don't remember when exactly or why, I just know it stopped when I was about ready to enter the Young Womens program at church. I was relieved that I no longer had to hide or avoid Grandpa any more and that I was then too old to do the Friday night sleepovers. 
But it was already too late.  Those 3-4 years had triggered some emotions and physical feelings in my mind and body that I was WAY too young to be experiencing at that age.  I had already started my period at age 9 and I'm pretty sure hormones and mood swings were in full force by the time I was 11 or 12.  I became a nightmare to my parents.  I was boy crazy like no other!!  I had emotions all over the map - happy one moments, sad the next.  Angry, deceitful, flirty, rebellious, stubborn, obnoxious and just overall, a very big handful of stress for my parents.  At the time, I had no idea why the drastic change in my thinking and acting and of course, my parents were clueless.  Not because they didn't care, but because they just didn't know what to see or look for.
My years between 12-18 were very difficult for me.  I was not very cute - redhead, glasses, freckles, braces - you could have just put a bulls eye on my forehead that said 'ugliest girl in school' and that would have been me.  So I tried to be popular and failed miserably. I tried to be smart and failed miserably.  But the one thing I could do was, I could sing.  And I could sing well.  I was in choir, the only one who could sing an alto part.  And I didn't need any help doing it.  I was loud and had a strong voice.  I was able to pick out my part and know it before the teacher even had to teach me it. I was the lead in all the school musicals and got 'good and positve' attention from the success of my singing.  I had found my niche in life.
Going into high school, my emotions and behavior were the same, just at a high school level. My boy craziness and need for opposite sex attention was increasing.  I was needing to be loved - validated - wanted etc.  My dad was in a position in the church that he dealt with the missionaries, of which I flirted with every single one that would allow me to.  I would lie to be important.  I was doing sneaky things and becoming a master deceiver of my life.  This continued all through high school and in to my first year at BYU.
When I was age19, my dad was called as a mission president to Chile and so I moved, along with my family, to South America and became a full time missionary.  Before leaving the country though, I spent two months in the Prove MTC, where I found myself interacting with about 2000 19 yr old Elders.  Not a good situation for me as I had just left the scenario of a BYU coed flirting with anyone wearing pants on campus.  Now, I found myself in the same situation with only a few different details - the pants had changed from jeans to a suit and I wasn't on campus anymore, but at the MTC.  But it was still me and 2000 young men.  Before leaving the MTC two months later, I had told at least 3 young Elders that I was in love with them and they were sure I would write the whole mission and then marry them when we got home.  I'm so sorry. 
My mission was a disaster.  It was OBVIOUS I was there for the wrong reason.  I had no testimony, I had no desire to be there and I was totally undisciplined and disobedient.  I found myself falling for the one missionary who was also there for the wrong reasons but was going home in about 6 months.  But that gave us just enough time to 'fall in love', proclaim our loyalty to each other before my dad found out  and said elder went home on time.  No further details.
I came home to a guy I had dated before the mission that just seemed to want to play games with me - and I did NOT have time for that.  So my searching for love went into FULL THROTTLE HIGH GEAR.  I kissed tons - led on about 4 guys at a time - two of those elders came home hoping to marry me and I played with them long enough to hook them hard and then DUMP.  I was engaged 3 times and was getting deeper and deeper into a hole I could not see myself getting out of.  Promiscuous???  The worst.  Not even morally conscious of any of my actions.  The missionary from Chile? He had played me and when I got home, he was engaged to be married.  I finally knew how it felt to be the one on the being dumped end of the game.  It hurt.  That wasn't going to happen again.
I was miserable and I was making a lot of people miserable right along with me.  Mind you, my parents are still in Chile at this time and I have secrets - demons - skeletons - that are all trying to get out of my closet.  But I've become a master at keeping that closet door securely closed.  And I'm not about to change my plan yet.
Enter Del Lott.  Good guy - hard working farm boy from Idaho.  Handsome, kind, slightly awkward, very spiritual, honest and looks great in jeans and boots.  I start my game that I have become so expert at but he's not as easily persuaded that I am all that I am portraying myself to be.  To state it simply, he's just not falling for my leading role.  I'm figuring I may actually have to make some sincere changes.
Long story short, I make some necessary changes to at least make Del think I may be worth the fight of going through all the remaining changes together.  But it will take some time to get rid of a LOT of bad habits established since the age of eight.  I had become an expert attention getter, liar, drama queen and emotional wreck.
Add to that, our first child, Michael.
The reason for giving you all this background is to establish the fact that I was a justified and certified NUT CASE!! 
Our Michael was born with some life threatening physical issues of which he succumbed to the Christmas after his 2nd birthday.  I can't do the details at this time of his 2 years on this earth and all that encompassed for both Del and me.  Suffice it to say, Michael was our whole lives - every waking moment and most generally our sleeping moments also.  His death created a void in our lives that remained hallow and empty for years to come.  And it just fueled my CRAZY into a frenzy of ups and downs.  I went numb for years.  No emotions, until I finally couldn't function any more.  One of my first meltdowns happened right before finding out I was finally, after almost 4 years, pregnant with Jordan.
Between the pregnancy, delivery and hormones bouncing off the walls, I was soon pregnant again with Kylie.  Four years later came Kathryn.  I'm now pretty much running on emotional fumes. 

 My highs are really high and my lows become really low.  I'm not kind to my children and have little to no patience in dealing with every day life. 
Enter...PAXIL. 
I knew I needed help the moment I had Jordan pinned up against the wall with my left hand and my right hand about ready to punch him in the face.  I remember the look on his face and immediately dropped him and called the doctor.
My first diagnosis of depression and hormonal imbalance - and I was given drugs.  Del was not to pleased.  Thought it could be dealt with in many other ways other than that of medication.  I told  him that I needed his support, not shame.
I have always been known as lively and the life of the party.  If I'm not making people laugh and having fun, I'm not doing my job.  The medication changed a little of that for me.  Instead of the high highs and the low lows, I was more even keel - kind of emotionally flatlined.  But I was okay with that.

I'm now 59 years old.
I've been on Paxil and other meds for over 30 years now.  I've attempted a few times to ween myself off the meds only to find myself back to high highs and low lows.  I don't want to do that.  And yet, I'm not necessarily completely flatlined either.  I have been able to find a happy balance of my emotions, although my anxiety level is at an all time high.  I'm not able to handle a few situations as positively and with as much confidence as I used to - mainly in singing.  Of all things, the thing I love the most, I no longer do.  I don't sing anymore.  I've lost a lot of my quality so as to not really perform anymore, but I will still sing in the car and the shower.  I got rid of almost all the stress in my life by quitting my job back in June.  So between that and no longer trying to meet the expectations and dreams of everyone else, I have taken to reading my scriptures hours a day, relaxing more with my family and grandchildren and enjoying my life of retirement.  I even take naps!! I've increased my temple attendance, often going alone at least twice a month and the other times with Del.
The spirit often pushes me into a space of growth that exists only outside my comfort zone.  So I've tried to widen my comfort zone a little to be able to experience this growth that I need at this time in my life.  Baby steps.
I'm no longer shamed to acknowledge that I need help in being mentally healthy and capable of handling life's situations that come my way.  I need help.  I am trying to take better care of the overall me.  I find much more joy when I am emotionally balanced.
So, I take my Paxil, read my scriptures, attend the temple, increase my prayers and try to serve those of whom I have stewardship over with a cheerful and willing heart.
No more skeleton's in my closet!!