'I Didn't Know What to Say'

A few weeks ago, I found myself in a conversation with a few friends and collegues, where, after an hour or so, I was left in a situation that I did not know how to respond to a question I was asked . I was so upset, confused, unsettled and intimidated into total silence and bewilderment as to how I was to respond to the question, 'Are you a racist?'
The others in the group of discussion were all at least 20-30 years younger than I was - a complete different generation in my opinion.  In my day, we referred to African Americans as either 'negroes' or African Americans - NEVER as 'a black man' or 'black person'.  That was considered inappropriate.  Official forms, when identifying your race, classified us as caucasion, negro, American Indian or 'other. Today, the classification is white, black, Indian, Asian or other. I'm not quite sure when the changes happened, but it would have been nice to have been informed BEFORE I put my foot  in my mouth and about got myself killed in the hood!!!
And why the discussion??
At the end of May, there was an incident, and yes, I will say a murder, where a white police officer, illegally pinned down a black man with his knee on the mans head and neck, ultimately causing the death of the black man.  And all HELL broke loose.  And I mean it when I say it; ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!  And it has been World War 3 ever since -
I have never thought of myself as racist - although I was raised in a generation that many many people were.  I didn't feel that black people were inferior to white people, but I don't think I felt that they were oppressed either.  I knew and understood about slavery, but felt that had all been dealt with and resolved back in the day of Martin Luther King.  I didn't understand the concept of racism being passed down through the generations to our current people, but as something 'of the past'.  I had no idea the current thinking of the black race and how they feel nothing has changed over the years.  I have black friends.  I know good black people.  I respect them and love them for the good they have been able to do with their lives.  But I had no idea that made me a racist in their eyes.
'Black Lives Matter' is the chant that I am forced to acknowledge.  I don't understand that, because in MY mind, the response to that is 'All Lives Matter' in the eyes of God.  I'm told that's racist, because until Black Lives really DO matter to everyone equally, ALL lives can't matter.  What??  I don't understand.  So what about others oppressed, bullied or persecuted - the Jews? The handicapped?  The poor?  Someone said 'But I don't see color when I see black people.'  Racist.  The answer is supposed to be - 'I DO see your color as black and I honor and admire and love you the same'.
HELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ANYMORE TO ANYONE!!
I'm told who I'm supposed to love, and how is the correct way to love them.
I don't dare speak for fear of offending someone, if not everyone.
I'm a member of the church that was the most discriminating of blacks in all the world and so am assumed to be racist.
Because I support police offers or BLUE LIVES MATTER, I hate blacks and I'm racist.
The past 2 months have been filled with hate, violence, crime, murders, looting, tearing down of American statues and flags - the destroying of the America I was raised in because it doesn't honor the oppression of the black people during that time.
It's as if they are wanting to completely remove the past 200 years and more, of American History and pretend it didn't happen.  Instead of "LEARNING from the past and not allowing it to happen anymore - destroy every memory we've ever had of what they call, 'white priveledge' and the Declaration Of Independence and all things patriotic, established by a 'bunch of old white priveledged men'.
I don't know what country I live in anymore.  I'm told that by allowing our government to dictate our actions and responses to this Covid 19 virus, that I have been duped into having my freedoms taken away. That I'm allowing the government leaders to say how we will live our lives in the future as far as our kids going to school, being able to attend church, continuing to wear masks out in public, social distancing ourselves and so forth and so forth.  I have just felt that I'm being obedient to what I've been asked to do...but am I supposed to be fighting something or someone over the loss of some of my freedoms??  I've been trying to follow the directive of the prophet and the priesthood brethren.  But I only see them complying also to mandates of the country, with caution to not allowing our religious freedoms to be threatened. 
I will be honest.  I am content to stay home - be in my home for quarantine - worship with my family until allowed otherwise.  I'm content not socializing - I've become quite an introvert over the past 10 years and I have no issues staying within the security and peace of my own refuge. I do miss church with fellow members in the sense of unity, not socializing, and I miss the temple terribly.  But the rest?  I'm good.
I can't handle the news anymore as each day brings a new statistic of Covid 19 and the Black Lives Matter movement.  In discussion with Elaine, I felt just as she described to me one day - like' a black cloud just follows us from place to place raining down doom and gloom wherever we go.'  I hate feeling lost.  I hate feeling fear.  I hate questioning my motives for thoughts and actions.  Yes, I understand all the concepts of the gospel of 'being prepared allows us not to fear' and ALL the other cliche's that are shared on facebook and the internet. 
But I want to know...when did my youth and upbringing change to what I  no longer recognize?
And why didn't our new generation educate us as to the correct referencing of fellow human beings so that we would not be thought of as ignorant, rude or...racists!!!
I would have done it for you...