Del, and maybe Kathryn will go to the funeral. What a wonderful woman Darlene was. Prayers are now for her two remaining daughters. They have endured a lot over the past year or so.
Goodbye sweet Darlene. Hope your reunion on the other side was joyful and peaceful.
Tonight was young womens night. A service project to help out a family in the ward. With Presidency meeting an hour before hand to plan some activities that we are in charge of in the coming weeks. And I was tired before any of it started, so I wasn't in a really great mood. I didn't want to be out tonight, mostly because Del finally got what all the rest of us have had - the flu - fever, no appetite and achey all over. And only one girl outside of the presidency showed up for the service project..
I was discouraged and disappointed. These girls aren't Beehives - 11, 12, 13 year olds. They are the OLDER MORE MATURE girls that are supposed to have some depth to them. But no - in the planning of anything, all they wanted to do was PARTY and have fun. Ice blocking, yoga, pajama party, charades etc etc - BUT FOR WHAT PURPOSE??? this went on for 10 minutes or more into an only 20 minutes that we had left to plan 2 activities. And we were getting no where!!! I finally turned to the girls and said 'Why?' and I went on a rampage about their lives needing more purpose and focus for the future. These are girls that are going to be leaving home in 6 months or less and need to be prepared to live in this big bad world and have SOME sense or idea of how they are going to survive it!!! They are so superficial right now - prom, dates, jobs, homework and dating. I don't quite know where Daughter of God and Covenant Keeper fall on the list, but it's down there somewhere.
I explained to the girls that their time is running out before they try to learn and know everything they need to know to leave the coop. And to go ice blocking and or do yoga with some goats is just not going to get them there. Yah - it pretty much dampered the rest of the meeting. I apologized afterwards, but really, I don't want to waste my time anymore with these girls who have no interest but to have fun. I have better tings to do. I love them, but they just aren't ready yet to find some depth in their lives.
Frustrating., I need to pray harder to find my purpose in being the laurel advisor.
How can I help them?
Every General Conference since President Nelson has been our Prophet, he has announced new temples to be built. Every conference. And this conference, the announcement was made for a new temple to be built in Prosper Texas, just 10 minutes away from us. Such excitement..and the prophecy of 'temples dotting the earth' is literally coming true. Along with the Texas temple, came 4 temples being built in Mexico City Mexico area, all within an hour of each other. Can you believe that?? And more in Brazil - these areas are growing like you can't imagine - The excitement felt by the members of the church is tangible every time it comes to Pres Nelson being the final speaker in the Sunday afternoon session and we all know there are going to be temples announced. Ammon even joked right before Pres. Nelson spoke, calling out 'AUBREY TX' - and he couldn't have been closer.
Conference was ALL about Jesus. Jesus Christ. Our Savior. Making Him the focus of our lives and reason for living. I was so inspired and filled with desire to make the changes necessary to be truly happy. Such joy to be had in keeping and living the commandments. And miracles - promised miracles that will come because of this change.
I read a comment made by a friend on facebook about the sensitivity of Pres Nelson's comments about recent events throughout the world and in the church - his sense of urgency in preparing ourselves for the Saviors return. It gave a sense of, maybe THAT being the last time we would hear from our Prophet here on this earth. He's now 98 years old - longest living prophet throughout the latter days - and for the first time, I noticed his slowing down and showing his age while at the pulpit. He has been one to hold his age unbelievably well. But this time, he actually used a chair behind the pulpit to lean against as he spoke. He was being sustained, physically, for the first time. I've noticed new 'shuffles', canes, slower of speech and other physical changes in a few of the General Authorities - most of them are older than prophets have previously been when called as prophet. If the pattern in the church follows what it has been in this new dispensation, our next prophet would be Pres. Dallin Oaks, who just turned 90 a few weeks ago. Interesting that we have had a renowned heart surgeon as our prophet during a world pandemic of Covid - and now with our world and government issues throughout the world, we will have a prophet who was A supreme court judge and knows the laws of the land and what is needed by members of the church to live in said world.
Our Heavenly Father has been preparing His children, for years, to listen to His prophets because He will give us exactly who we need to lead us through the exact situations the world will be dealing with in anticipation for the return of His Son.
To just be obedient. Keep on the covenant path.
This was moving week for my mother. She sold her home 2 months ago, and this weekend was when we would actually finish moving everything out of her home and all things either going to Deseret industries, the dump or Becca's home. Garth and Jennifer were there to help with the finishing of the whole move - and between them and Del, they were able to move all the big items and I was able to pack up mom's bathroom, bedroom and closet and move them, along with HER, over to Rebecca's house.
Mom had several moments of tears. realizing all memories and experiences she was leaving behind as she took this next step in her life. That was her home with daddy. A lot of emotions to bare, let alone all the physical changes she was having - now being dependent on Becca and Lance to take care of her. She's always been so sober and stiff lipped, but recently, her emotions have been worn on her sleeve and she is V ERY tender hearted. Changes - she is not good with changes. And this was a BIG one.
But Lance and Becca had done so much to the house for mom's move - her own remodeled bathroom, bedroom and private sitting/computer area. We decorated it with her personal things - pictures, memories - clothes into her drawers - closet hanging bars had to be removed and rehinged lower so mom could reach them, so Del did that. Then Garth and Del completely made, set and and finished shelving and storage in Becca's basement. It was a huge project that they were able to knock out in about 3 hours. It truly was wonderful to see them working together, completing this task for Lance and Becca. And they were very appreciative.
There were wonderful meals, both at home and out together - a BYU/Baylor football game, of which we (BYU), were expected to lose. But NOPE - in typical BYU fashion, we won the game with a level of excitement and anticipation that were unmatched before. SOO fun. Mom was such a good sport to wear her BYU gear for the game - pictures. I got to spend some much needed personal time with Becca, filling my soul with peace and comfort. I've been missing her terribly and just needed to be with her. Her new home is adorable - backyard perfect for a huge garden. I could have moved right then and there and never been happier.
And I displayed that emotion and torn apart heart the Sunday morning at 6:30 as we got up and left for home. Everyone was still asleep and as we drove away, I was sooo sad. For the next few hours I was moody and despondent. I didn't treat Del very kindly. I'm tired of Texas - need and want a change. Poor Del. I frustrated him with my not being happy with life right now. When I finally softened my heart enough to have a discussion with him, we talked about the importance of me learning how to enjoy the journey and path we are on, instead of wanting everything to always be different. Over hours, we came to the conclusion that we are staying in Texas, for now. But if the garden and family situation doesn't change and get better down here, then I will ask us to move. The family situation being Kathryn and Ammon living with us. I'm needing to feel independent again and have my home and privacy back. But I can't stand the thought of not being there for Peyton while she needs me. So the conclusion was - they will stay, until Peyton no longer needs a babysitter because she will be going to kindergarten. That's when they will need to move. Now, if they prepare and choose to buy a home before that, then they will leave, but I will still watch Peyton. But I felt comfort with that decision.
We stopped and bought peaches in Farmington and canned them the day after we got home from our trip. I have basically tried to live my new convictions and promises I made throughout this trip and have found myself much happier and content. I have talked with Kathryn and Ammon and feel the decision of when to move is appropriate and very generous of us. Kathryn and Ammon have both started new jobs and life now continues as normal. We had stake conference last week and because of my spiritual mind changes and attitude adjustment, I actually felt love and compassion for my stake president that I have not had for years. His words and expressions from the spirit, truly touched my heart, and I was able to hear what the spirit desired me to hear. Huge step for me.
So TONS of changes for and about me. An overall really good trip for us. I forgot to mention that while in Wyoming at Chad and Bethany's, we were able to have a 2-3 hour discussion with Bethany about some of the trips she and Chad have taken over the years, with their trip to Jeruselem being her favorite. She shared memories and experiences that were so spiritual and inspiring to us, that Del and I decided that we wanted to take the exact trip they had taken. When we arrived I home, I took the time to look up the trip - at a cost of over $12,000. Took my breath away. I was sure Del would say no - not that he has said yes, but more that I have been the one to say we can't afford that. But at what cost do you put a limit on the experience - the learning and education from the tour guide and walking where Jesus walked. I can say that there will be more discussion to be had -with what result, I honestly don't know. A trip of a lifetime - but one we may need to pass over due to cost. What a sad reason to use , but so realistic in the world in which we live.
Before leaving Pocatello, we drove up to see the brand new Pocatello Idaho temple, of which, for 18 years, we paid our tithes and offerings towards. It is beautiful. To think if we had stayed, a temple would be only 5 minutes away from us. But we both enjoyed the beauty of the temple as we left Idaho. We also talked about the inevitability that we had seen Darlene for probably the last time, in this life.
On the drive to Utah, our discussion once again turned to some interesting topics of Del's childhood. He shared some memories and experiences that he has never shared with anyone else - and some tender feelings he had with both his mom and dad at their passing. It was such a tender bonding moment for the both of us. So grateful we had it.
The first leg was to Afton Wyoming to stay a few days with my cousin Chad and his wife, Bethany. They moved there a few years ago and have built a beautiful bunkhouse, that will be used as an air BandB. They have also started their over 8000 sq ft home they will live in once it is finished. They have also bought 3 of the store properties in downtown Afton, where they are in the process of making one, a frozen yogurt/pastry shop, two, a Wyoming country store with high end shirts, bags, and accessories for sale, and then the last, will be a 3 bedroom Air B and B hotel type place to rent out. All of it is gorgeous!!
The weather was to die for, which I knew would be the hardest part of this whole trip. I was HATING Texas weather in the month of August and September - just SOOO HOT. But everywhere we went on our trip was in the high 70's low 80's and perfect. Afton has a temple there also - and I have other cousins that have moved out there also - Wendee and Scott - went to their place too. Another cousin, Owen, and his wife Aimee (with cancer), came up to Chad's for a day, and so we were able to visit and play games with them also. The whole stay was just so enchanting - along with their pleadings and begging for us to move up there by them, made it very difficult for me to leave happy. And I knew it would get harder and harder as the trip went along too - as we would be seeing Idaho AND Utah.
The 2 day drive to Wyoming was a life changer for me. Lately, my private time spent with Del has been the best. Our discussions have been gospel filled, awe inspiring and full of love for me. He was telling me of some sacred experiences he has been having and then was encouraging me to make some changes in my life that I would want to make in order to be able to experience miracles that I was desiring. He has always been an early morning scripture reading, gospel studying prayerfully seeking miracle kind of guy. I am NOT a morning person. I'm not even a faithful scripture reader. But I am now. I made the commitment right then and there, in his truck and during our first day discussion, that I was going to make the change from that day forward. Getting out of bed and immediately dropping to my knees has been a hard habit to start. It doesn't come naturally for me until now, with a new and different perspective as to WHY I'm doing it and to WHOM I am talking has made a world of difference. I have changed my mindset of talking to a Heavenly Father that I have no relationship with to now, looking forward to discussing with Him, my desires and plans for the day - my goals for the day - things I want to do and be better at - ask for His help, and then report to Him at the end of the day how things went. It has been so enlightening to see and feel a difference in how I FEEL about Him now. I think and turn to Him more often during my day, just to confirm what I am doing and being able to maintain the communication with Him in my choices. I'm more joyful in my day - happier in my circumstances and try to appreciate what I DO have instead of wishing for something different or better. It truly was and has been, the beginning of a new part of my life.
So grateful for Del, who has always been the perfect example for me and patient enough to wait for the 40 years it has taken to see some desired changes in his wife - me. All without making me feel inferior, insufficient, lazy or lacking in any way. Only done with love and encouragement - and promises of miracles to come. Truly a blessing.
tired - almost always
forgetfulness
foggy brain
no desires for anything that takes extra work
But here's the biggy. A few weeks ago, I was asked to play the piano for two baptisms over in Frisco at the legacy building. I've been there maybe 6-8 times over the 20 years I've lived in Texas. I got there fine, but decided to stop at the store on the way home. I stopped, purchased my few items, and then got back on what I thought was the main road. Within 10, then 15, then 20 minutes or so, I realized I was lost. I had no idea WHERE I was, HOW I got there or WHAT to do at that point. I panicked and got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety flood over me. I cried. I didn't know how to function any longer and so pulled over into the parking lot of a church and called Del.
Del could tell I was lost. It took minutes, but he was finally able to calm me down enough that I could read him the street names I was on and he was able to get me to a familiar street to where I could finally get myself home. It was a very unsettling hour for me and took me another hour or so at home, alone in my room, to get myself put back together.
This week, on Wednesday, I went to the Dollar Store to buy a few things that I needed for a project I'm doing. I bought my items and then went to my car and got in. I fastened seat belt and then attempted to start the car. The key wouldn't turn over. I tried over and over again - even slipped in a plea to Heavenly Father once or twice for additional help, but the key would not turn. It was getting a little hot in the car, so I opened my door, and as I did so, a lady stepped out of the store and yelled over at me, 'Ma'm - what are you doing in my car?' My heart dropped to my feet and my blood literally FROZE in my veins!! I quickly tried to take in all my surroundings, panicking that I wasn't seeing anything familiar to me. Same car, make and model, but not mine. I must have looked petrified because when I began crying out my apologies and tried to get out of the car, she came closer and asked if I was okay. Over and over I said I was sorry. She finally said it was okay and went back into the store. I went to my car, got in, started it, but sat there another 20 minutes or so crying. I wasn't sure I could even drive home.
Kathryn saw my tears and forced me to tell her what happened. I didn't share with anyone else except the doctor when I went on Thursday. Thank heavens it was time for my blood draw to test my hormone levels and improvements. if any, to refill my prescriptions. Yesterday, I was called with the results. I had indeed, improved in some areas, like I'm no longer pre-diabetic - my sugar levels were good BUT...the bad news? I am what Del called HORMONALLY BANKRUPT. I am depleted of about 4-5 major hormones in my body. And these just happen to be the hormones that control my thinking, moods, emotions, memory etc. I expressed to the nurse, that honestly, I really don't mind being slightly 'emotionally flatlined' - meaning, I don't get overly excited over anything, but I also don't get majorly depressed or sad. I'm just flat lined. It's almost how I need to handle life right now with everything. But the doctor feels we need to take a deeper look into why I can't handle certain situations, but immediately shut down and stop functioning.
A PHYSC evaluation. That's what I'm scheduled for. A PHYSC evaluation. I think you give me an extra 4 hours of sleep a day, relieve me of a few obligations, have some stress taken off me and let me have some peace and I would be good to go. But since that doesn't appear to be happening anytime in my near future, we're going to try and figure something else out.
So. Stay tuned. My next big project could end up being padding the walls of my bedroom...just for precautions sake.
Queen Elizabeth was truly. the epitome of grace, elegance, integrity and all things good of not just a queen, but of a woman. She was the queen for most of my mother's life and was only 5 years older than my mother. She was my father's age.
Now, at her passing, Her oldest son, Charles, Prince of Wales, becomes King Charles the III. His first wife, Diana, would have been queen, but died in a car accident 25 years ago. But her oldest son, William, who is now the Prince of Wales, will be king after his father Charles either dies, or steps aside.
But as of now, we say 'Long Live the King'.
No pictures or captions to post this time because there are sooo many subjects and topics I'm going to hit here.
First of all; it's been almost a month since I have posted. It's been hot; incredibly hot during the past 3-4 weeks. Too hot to even go outside and enjoy being out of the house. That's so disappointing to me. I hate living somewhere that I have to stay in the house all day to be comfortable. It tends to give me anxiety and depression. Because of the heat, we have lost the remaining part of our garden and now Del has replanted - corn - hoping that something will work for a winter garden. I guess it would anywhere there is a winter, but I'm not holding my breath for Texas.
The 5 year shake up happened a few weeks ago. You know - when it's time to realign the ward boundaries of two wards to give to two other wards and our ward needs a new Bishopric. Our dear friend Brandon Burton was called as our new Bishop (best man) - and his counselors are wonderful too - with one of the them being our YW Presidents husband- meaning she was released also. So our YW first counselor, Leslie Anderson was called as the new President and I will work with her and the Laurels. We got a new RS presidency and will get a new Elders Quorum presidency probably next week. Del was released from the EQ presidency as was called to be on the high council in the stake. Slight disappointment, as he LOVES working hands on with members of the ward, but he just figures the Lord wants him to take his message throughout the stake. I'm still on the organ too - going into my 8th year.
My body is falling apart. I ache from head to toe almost all the time - arthritis in my knees and shoulders - and my neck has been hurting since my trip to Mexico in March when I kinked it while zip lining. I have to go get it seen this next week to see what's going on. I have gained 3-4 pounds back from March and feel sluggish so I am trying to get THAT back off. We have had Covid through the house again, mainly with Kathryn and Ammon and it just seems like someone is sick all the time around here. My emotions and anxiety have been at an all time high - Saturday, after playing at a baptism, I got lost coming home. Didn't recognize where I was, how I got there or how to get out of it. I called Del crying as I completely fell apart. It's happening more often and so I'm finding myself turning more and more into a recluse, just staying in the safety and comfort of my home.
But not able to do that at the end of this week. I committed us to a vacation/trip to Wyoming to visit Chad and Bethany, then Del's step mom Darlene and then on down to be at Becca and Lance's home, and what will then be my mom's home too. We will be helping her move in the last of her stuff while we are there. I made the plans so many months ago, and now as the time approaches, all I want to do is stay home and watch the BYU football games on TV and not interact with anyone. I know I will be happy I went AFTER the fact. It's just right now, the trip looks to be long driving and sleepless nights in hotels and someone else's bed. And I REALLY hate having to be social right now - carrying on conversations and entertaining people in those conversations. I'm SO anti-social right now.
A few weeks ago, my mother asked me to call her. It was because she had no-one else to talk to. I realized that, but I didn't allow her to know that I knew that was the reason. Elaine is her lifeline, but Elaine was on a 3 week vacation with her husband. Becca has been completely overloaded with Lance's needs and being RS president. Jennifer is babysitting grandchildren and can't go see mom. JD and Tiffany have left for Peru on their mission - and so mom needed me. I took advantage of the situation and totally comforted her and gave her the confidence she needed to make it through some situations she was being faced with . My mother is British - sooo British - stiff upper lip, independent, self reliant and no tears from her over the years I was growing up. Now, since she has lost daddy and gotten older, she has become a whole different person. She is extremely vulnerable, confused, insecure and needy, in a good way. For the first time, she is actually needing her children for comfort, support, advice and love. She cried. I probably saw my mom cry maybe 2-3 times in my life - I told her it was nice to hear her FEEL emotions - express those emotions through tears. I told her I truly felt that our phone conversation was a spiritual experience that I thanked her for allowing me to have with her. I was glad to be the one who was able to help her THAT day. It was very tender for me. I don't know how much longer I'll have my mother here on earth - not long I think. So I need a few more memories with her. - Next week will be nice to be with her.
My son in law lost his job recently, had 3 weeks off before he found another great job. The three weeks he didn't work, he of course took care of Peyton. A two edged sword - I loved the time off coming and going as I pleased, but I missed my daily minute to minute interaction with Peyton. Ammon's new job has different hours and days - it's now 5 consecutive days, 9:00- 5:00 and I'm exhausted by the increase in hours and to ending later in the day. I can't believe that those little changes have affected me so much. Plus, Ammon and Kathryn have literally been sick for what seems like 3 weeks now. It causes for a heavy tired feeling with everyone. I'm surprised I haven't come down with Covid.
Okay. I'm done. Tired of being so negative and anxious. I'm sooo glad we're going into the Fall and I have the NFL and BYU football to lift my spirits. Plus, the Texas weather HAS TO CHANGE AT SOME POINT in this year. It CAN'T be over a 100 degrees the rest of the year. I sooo want to move back to Utah. Don't get me started.
This is Liberty Jail - a replica of where Joseph Smith and others were held for over 4 months .
'O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place? How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea, thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries? Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them'....
Joseph Smith's pleadings continue for a few more versus on behalf of himself and his fellow saints, that are truly being persecuted by others. But it's not so much Joseph's pleading to the Lord, although earnest and desperate, that have me so moved by these versus. It's the Lord's reply to JS that has me inspired and touched -
'My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;,,,thou are not yet as JOB; ...' Then it continues for another section until we come to sec 122: vs 5-9 where the Lord tells JS that all his trials, perils and travails shall give him experience and be for his good. Then the Lord ends with this profound question for Joseph Smith..
'The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater then he?'
Art thou greater than he? Humbling question, wouldn't you think? Like 'who are YOU to complain to me?' But He knows that the saints and prophets are suffering as He gives this last verse of counsel..
'Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.'
As the tour guide at Liberty Jail quoted these verses , I was taken back at the response the Lord gave Joseph Smith, in that, Joseph was not going to die any sooner or later than he was predicted to die by the Lord. The Lord had things under control, and nothing man could do would change the results of Joseph's life. And that is how the Lord is with his saints, his righteous followers, his children. He has things happen according to plan - HIS plan.
And for this, I am truly grateful. It is comforting to know that HE knows it all - and is in charge. I just need to follow Him - obey Him and accept his son's atonement.
Liberty Jail. The picture says it all.
I started about 10 years ago, going to a place called Painting With a Twist. It's where an art instructor will be up at the front of the room, and while he/she paints, we do likewise on our own canvas at our table. I don't have to come up with WHAT I want to paint, , I just have to paint what the artist paints. And that's what I love.
Then I took Lexi with me one time, and NOW she likes to paint too. But we go to Denton Library to do those paintings and they are free! We've done two of those so far, with this lighthouse being just this past week. I have soo much fun with her - we're both so relaxed and love to laugh and joke and not be perfectionists, even though Lexi is VERY good at the details in the picture. Me? Not so much.
The painting at the top, I did just this past Saturday. I went on my own. I find it VERY therapeutic and calming for me. It's when I'm by myself that I tend to want it a little more perfect. if you look closely, you can see the flaws and mistakes. But that's why when I get home, I usually have Del look at my painting from WAYYY across the room. He loves them at that distance!!
The more of them I do, the more I like what I'm doing. I can tell I'm starting to get a few techniques down and not just having to completely follow the instructor, but I rarely go out on my own. I don't have near the education or imagination to do much of that yet.
But maybe one day.
