Cutting My Emotional Ties

My problem every year, when we plant our garden, is I become emotionally involved.  I have hope.  I have faith.  And I invest all my emotions into the success of our future harvest.

It's been a slow process this year - coming to the realization that this years garden will be an epic fail - as far as product.  Del has even gotten to the point of finalizing it's death, calling it 'a learning experience'.  We're STILL doing that??  We've lived here 10 years!  We've had at least half of those years with a successful and productive garden.  But it's been now that Del has learned a lot of things about soil and amoebas and healthy dirt  and compost etc etc...and we're back to 'learning experiences'.  We can't afford 'experiences' and no product.  We're still investing thousands of dollars and endless amount of time into this garden for it to become 'a learning experience'.  PLUS, I WAS EMOTIONALLY INVESTED!!!  The pictures show garden beds over run with weeds, unhealthy product and one bed even re-planted and just now re-growing.

I'm disappointed.  I want success.  I want product results.  I WANT MY GREEN BEANS!!  When I think of our successful years, I want it back.  

So???  SNIP SNIP SNIP!  That is me, cutting my emotional ties to this years garden.  It's not going to produce.  So I'm done.  I have to be emotionally done.  Del can have his 'experience' and do what he needs to do.  But I can't.  I hate trying so hard for something that I now realize AIN'T GUNNA HAPPEN!!  

I guess we'll try again next year?  

They Were Just Babies

 This makes me so angry.

Yet, ANOTHER massive school shooting, just after there being a shooting last week in a grocery store in Colorado of soley black people - racially motivated.  In yesterday's shooting at the school, there were 19 students and 2 teachers. Twenty one people - and the shooter was also killed.

The details are few right now.  Just that it was at a school of 2nd-4th graders - little babies,  THEY WERE JUST LITTLE BABIES!!! That's Emerson and Madison's age. Needlessly - pure evil.  The shooter was only 18.  Within days of his eighteenth birthday, he purchased two semi automatic rifles - a pistol and went into this school yesterday and shot these babies. Why?  We don't know why.  He had mentioned some things on FB of possible crime - but were any officials on alert for this tragedy?  No.  

And so, the argument of gun control, mental health issues, etc etc are once again the topic of conversation, with what I believe, will once again, result in no change.

At least, not before I believe this will happen again.. and maybe even again.

They were just babies.

Not a Day Has Gone By....

 It's been a year.  A year ago today.

The hole is still there...in my heart.  I haven't figured out what to fill it with yet. The pain isn't as bad, but the emptiness of her loss is.  But not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of her - and how proud she would be of her family and their progress since her exit.  I hope she's able to know how much they love her.

And how much I love her.

What Took You So Long?

I was in charge of the Young Womens lesson on Sunday, of which I asked the Sister Missionaries to help me with.  The lesson title was 'How Do I know if I Am Truly Forgiven of My Sin?

I started the lesson by sharing with the young women the concept of agency and that the Lord has gifted us this gift for a reason:  that we can make choices and receive the blessing or consequence to that choice on our own.  I shared with them the importance of knowing God's laws and commandments so that we can make wise and educated choices. knowing what is for our good or for our bad.

The sister missionaries then talked about the emotions, feelings, and why's of when we choose to sin, or to repent.  I have so many - I think all of which I have repented (I think).  But I felt inspired to share one of my early experiences of sin and asking for the forgiveness needed.

After I had my three children, we lived in Pocatello Idaho and I was the PTA president of the elementary school my kids attended.  I was involved with a lot of the financial matters of the PTA, and a one point, found myself using the PTA funds for my personal use.  For months, I worried and stewed about my illegal and immoral choice to steal this money.  .  Month after month went by and I was getting more and more different in my personality - my relationships and my interactions with others.  I was mad - unhappy - judgemental - non social - critical and just all around, NOT HAPPY.  

Steve Dunn was my Bishop.  He and his wife Wanda, were also our best friends.  We did vacations together, dinners together, Sunday nights together, BYU everything together and our lives just intertwined in every aspect.  One Sunday evening, I literally became overcome by my sin, and in gulping words, expressed to Steve that I needed to talk to him.  He looked at me strangely and asked if it was 'as Bishop or as friend'  I replied 'as Bishop'.  Both Del and Wanda looked at me like 'cant you do this later?' type look and I said - 'NOW'.  

So Steve led me to his 'at home office'.  I told him everything.  I noticed his look of surprise and shock and didn't mince words about the importance of the sin.  After tears, conversation and a sense of true repentance being expressed, Steve gave me counsel as to how we would make this right, steps we would need to take spiritually and financially to make it right, and then we prayed.  I expressed to the Young Women the thoughts and feelings I had and then the words that came to my mind from my Heavenly Father.  'What took you so long?'

I told the Young Women that the Lord had literally been just waiting for me to repent.  He will always forgive us of our sins, if we just turn to Him in repentance.  We have to include the Savior and His atonement.  We have to take all the steps of true repentance - He's only waiting.

Then I shared with them the feelings afterwards of pure JOY.  Pure relief - happiness and encircled in love.  With those feelings, why would we NOT want to repent as quickly as possible?  Fear? Consequences? Shame? Rejection?  All of this was shared and I think the spirit witnessed to all of us, including ME again, that the law of repentance and forgiveness is truly the Lord's plan for our happiness.

I was grateful, AGAIN, for the witness on Sunday, that the Lord has truly forgiven me.  And I'm glad I was able to share that spirit with the girls.

By the end of my time in Young Women's, I'm thinking they just might know too much about Sister Lott.  But if the spirit says to share, I will share.  And hopefully what happens in Young Women's, STAYS in Young Women's.

 

May

 I have always loved the month of May.

Both of my parents birthday's are in May.  It's Mother's Day.  Spring is coming to a close and the touches of summer come.  The garden is planted and the results of some hard days of planting garden and flowers are in full bloom.  I've always loved the month of May.

Until now. The tulip blossoms have all come to their end.  The pansies are on their last leg - and I don't think much of our garden is going to survive.  With issues of the soil/mulch and the heat, it looks like our green beans are not going to survive - they look so sad.  I'm so sad.  I can't believe how this is affecting me.  Such hard work - such giving of time and love - I'm feeling betrayed.

To top it off, Mother's Day fell on the day of daddy's death this year.  It was hard for my mother - for me - and for my siblings.  The day became more of a day of rememberance of my day instead of anything else.  Not that it was painful, but just loss.

Which of course, brings to thought that one week later, this Sunday, will be one year since Rachel's passing too.  But I can't handle that right now.  I'll think of that when it comes.  Sad thing is ... it will come.

I do find joy in my watching of Peyton every day though.  She turned 15 months the other day.  Do you realize that's just 3 month from going into nursery at church!!??  She's getting so big.  Loves to play outside in the water - but is falling down, running into and bonking her head a LOT.  Just this morning, she turned around right into the corner of our bathroom door.  Smack.  One day soon I will do a post just on her - download all the recent pictures of her comings and goings.  

And Young Womens.  I'm loving it now.  I've fallen in love with the girls and their lives.  They are such good girls.  We've had some great lessons together and some even better activities.  Once again, I'm going to have to do a post, with pictures, all about Young Womens.

Kylie and Mike put their house on the market today with plans of moving next month.  Makes it a little more real now.  Our family continues with struggles  between some of the siblings.  Makes me sad.  So sad.  But I can't make it better until hearts are softened and much forgiveness is asked for and given.  We are supposed to have family pictures taken in a few weeks - hope we can at least fake it for the camera.  Hoping for an 'Academy Awards' moment.