The Pain of a Motherhood Reality Check

How could I not know what was going on? Am I so out of touch with reality, or so trusting of those that I love that I couldn't see what was happening right under my nose???
I'm overwhelmed right now with the current twists and turns in my life and that of my family...I'm feeling very out of control and yet, willing and ready to let go of the need to be in control and let someone else run the show. The cards are going to fall - they are falling as we speak...things are hitting the fan and I'm stepping back and letting it happen. I can't do what I've been doing for the past years because obviously, it hasn't been working.
So, it's here. The time has arrived to face my motherhood reality check with my last child.
I have tried before to not be too detailed in my blog, knowing that it will be in print later and there will be many who read it. But I have also been one that has to be honest with what is happening in my life...I can't pretend that there aren't problems. I just have to trust that those who read this will understand that and know that I only share and write what I live; the bad and the good.
Right now? It's not so good. One week left of school and Kathryn's past has caught up with her. Her online classes are not finished so she can't 'walk' graduation. She has to finish them by a certain time to get credit to keep her acceptance for BYU Idaho. She has no job and no way to pay for school tuition. She's been carrying on a private life that we had no idea of but has been writing it down in her Journal. She has, for three years, been begging to 'get out' and leave Texas, our house etc...she has wanted to MOVE ON.
She left yesterday, and is staying with Mike and Kylie.
Del says 'it's time'.
Motherhood is so confusing when I experience the emotions of feeling relief that she's gone, but close enough at Kylie's that I know she's safe. I'm sad that she has 'needed' to get out, but glad that she turned to Kylie instead of possible other choices. I'm sad that her presence is gone but grateful for the peace I feel.
Sad that she doesn't want me as a parent but glad that she still needs me as a friend.
I should have parented her as I did Jordan and Kylie instead of worrying about her 'friendship'. I was a terrible example for her and bailed her out of most of the consequences she deserved from her choices; especially about school.
I should have been her parent. She soooo needed a parent, not a friend.
I made the choice for her and made the wrong one; so afraid the would rebel and leave the church, her family her home etc... I worried about the wrong things on the one child I needed to worry about the most. And now that I've decided to not be that person anymore, it's given her the reason she's needed to leave home. She wants the 'mom' she's had, not the 'mom' she needs.
Well, now I pay the consequences of my choices and have to live in the aftermath.
I'm feeling pretty ...well, crummy.
Long days ahead.