It's Not About What I Want

 

Rachel is going to die.  I would rather she not - right?  I would rather she had been able to have chemo and radiation and be cured and in remission from this terrible poison that is killing her.  To be able to still sing in the Tabernacle Choir.  To be able to watch her little Everly and other grandchildren grow up and have children of their own.  To watch her last 2 daughters get married and have children.  To watch her son Eric return to the loving arms of his family.  To practice cutting  hair and styling that she just graduated school from.  To travel with her husband Mike in retirement and see more of the world. To swim in her pool in the backyard, and hot tub with Mike in the evenings.  To call me Mars when she calls and asks how Fred is doing (Del's middle name is Fredrick) .  I want to sing with her again and realize how much alike we sound.  I want to brag about her being in THEE choir and live vicariously through her chance to be an alto 2 under Mack Wilberg.  I want to go on more sisters and husbands trips with her and laugh our heads off on the cruise ship playing Make a Million in the halls.  I want to cry with her as she expresses trials and disappointments with members of her family and I want to hide away all her secrets she's ever told me in a place that they will never be found.  I want her to live.

But, it's not about what I want.  I have faith that Rachel can be healed.  But I don't ask because it's not the plan. This is truly God's plan.  It's not what I want, but it's what God wants.  I don't know if it's that God needs her home for other things, or if her being gone is to help someone HERE learn needed lessons.  Either or, the Lord's plan WILL be fulfilled.  I hate that Rachel is the one that has to be used for this particular plan or lesson.  I miss not getting my way on this one though.

On Tuesday, Becca took mom up to see Rachel, who wasn't even able to get out of bed.  So, Becca and Mom climbed into bed with Rachel and watched some church shows and then they did some visiting for about 45 minutes.  Becca says Rach was exhausted after that, so mom and Becca went home.  Becca said it was especially hard on mom that day realizing how quickly Rach is slipping away.

Thursday, JD and Tiffany spent time taking care of Rachel for the day and JD took this above picture of Rach, who was able to give JD half a smile for the camera.  He said that as he and Tiffany were leaving, Rachel whispered 'I'm fading' to them.  JD felt she was letting them know it won't be too much longer.