Rachel Part 4 - Loved By So Many

 

And there were probably at least 20 more visitors that I never got pictures of.  And like I said before, it got to the point in the middle of February that we finally had to kindly tell people that Rachel could no longer take visitors because she was just too weak and feeble.  All of my siblings were able to come and see Rachel the end of January to the middle of February and say their goodbyes.  Those visits were very tender and emotional for both sibling and Rachel.  And then some of Rachel's favorite cousins that she was raised to be BFF's with came to see her in February to say their goodbyes too.  THAT was rough.  Lots of tears and heavy hearts.

Several members of the choir came to deliver a plaque to her from the directors Mack Wilburg and Ryan Murphy.  That meant a lot to her - the recognition of her love and devotion to the choir.  It truly was something she loved so much.  I have literally over 100 pictures from choir members with Rachel in them.  She was loved by all of them, but especially her Alto 2 section. and her cousin Ruth.  Just this past week during General Conference, it was so difficult for me to watch the choir sing, especially as Rachel's face seemed to come up a little more often than usual.  My heart ached, knowing that she would never sing with that choir again.  I have so many still shots of her singing with the choir - they are the most beautiful of her with full make up and her hair just perfect.  And I know she was doing what she loved to do - sing.

At the end of my two weeks with Rachel, it ended up that Elaine needed to come for another shift as Becca hadn't been able to get off work yet.  I would be leaving the same day Elaine was flying in - I was very emotional that day, feeling very exhausted and so SO sad to leave Rachel.  My heart just ached.  I was at the airport texting Elaine, to find out that her plane had landed early but was stuck out on the runway waiting to be brought in to unload.  We tagged back and forth hoping desperately to be able to see each other.  As my flight was calling last passengers to board, I saw Elaine get off her flight and come looking for me.  I ran down the terminal to hers and we embraced in the biggest hug with the biggest tears.  I was so relieved to see her and found myself with such a surge of love for her, knowing that Rachel would now be well taken care of again for another two weeks.  It was a memory that I will not ever forget.

After Elaine's two weeks, Rebecca went in and had a wonderful 12 days with Rachel doing some very fun things with her - sewing baby quilts for each of her kids and playing games etc.  Becca would report to me and Elaine that Rachel was appearing so much improved - not having her aches and pains and bad moments at all.  To the point even, that Rachel felt that it would be best to postpone having us care takers do any more shifts at this time, but wait until we would be more needed near the end.  And according to how Rachel was feeling, she thought that might not even be until fall.  I was slightly disappointed, but knew Rachel also needed some private time and unwinding time alone before we started up with care again.  It was during her time with Becca that she had some of the best days she had had in over 6 months.  Mike said she really loved those good feeling days.

It's now April 7th and those good days slowly moved on.  She has now, for about 3 weeks, fallen in to a gradual slipping away from us.  Her pain levels have taken her to 2 daily doses of morphine now, sometimes more.  She's not eating much and is most comfortable sleeping all day.  She has called for my mother several times, at which point either my cousin Ruth or Becca will drive mom up to see her and just hold Rachel for hours.  Mom and Becca went up yesterday and Rachel couldn't even get out of bed, so they both climbed into bed with Rachel and spent over an hour visiting with her there.  On those days, Rachel expresses that it will only be weeks left.  On other days, she actually feels she might make it to May.  Either way, I am terribly sad - scared - overwhelmed with this ever persistent call to go home.  I know it's best for Rachel, but I cannot resign myself to the reality of it all.