Rachel Part 3 - My Last Days with Rachel

 I was petrified to take my shift of care taking for Rachel.  First of all, I was stepping into some pretty big shoes that Elaine had started.  I am not Elaine.  She is very organized - very precise and methodical.  She does everything with reason and perfection.  She is very task oriented and interested in all the medical why's and why not's of this whole ordeal.  I just wanted to come and try and bring some laughter to Rachel's life - try to help her remember some childhood memories, plus help her write some things down for her children that she wants them to know and remember of her.  I was NOT prepared for what I would need to do.  

The last night of our sister retreat, our movie was interrupted by Rachel going into a stage of intense pain and discomfort.  It came suddenly and was so intense that Elaine and I had to help Mike take her upstairs where we had to try and figure out how to help her endure the intensity of the episode.  She writhed in pain - screaming out and moaning and groaning like an injured animal.  We stroked her arms and whispered comforting words to her as we tried to take her focus off herself.  It was heart breaking.  I found myself in tears while watching Mike and Elaine trying to stay medically focused on how to relieve her of her pain.  It took almost an hour before the new meds were able to work and we were able to get her sedated enough to fall asleep.  It was not how we had wanted to end our sisters togetherness, but when we came downstairs and shared with the others what Rachel had suffered, it basically subdued the events for the rest of the night.  Everyone gradually left to go back to their homes and I knew they would be flying out in the morning.  As Elaine left, she gave me hugs of encouragement and confidence that I would do fine.  I doubted it very much.  That nights experience had shaken me to my core.

A mother's love.

Grammie, as Rachel is known to Everly, her granddaughter.

Rachel and I enjoyed writing things on the computer to help us remember what memories we were making.

I caught this moment of exhaustion for Rachel as she watched her granddaughter.

My youngest sister Jennifer was a frequent and welcomed guest.  So thoughtful.  She would bring homemade soups and bread.  She and I chatted quite a bit the time I was there and I felt I got to know her a little better for the wonderful person that she is.

This picture is my favorite.  One morning, I was waiting for Rachel to come down from her upstairs room.  This is how she looked.  I found her to be absolutely stunning - radiant - beautiful.  I took this picture of her and sent it to Elaine, Becca and Mike.  They all agreed with me.  This is how I will remember Rachel.

Rachel received so many gifts, flowers and visitors, it was hard to keep up with them all,  It did get to the point that it literally exhausted Rachel and she would end up sleeping the rest of the day.  Mike finally asked me to kindly ask visitors to no longer come because Rachel just couldn't handle it anymore.  People still brought dinners every night and flowers still arrived almost daily.

This sweet sister is a member of the Alto 2 section in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and a dear dear friend to Rachel.  Her visit with Rachel was so tender and emotional.  They both cried as they relived their ten year friendship in the choir and all the memories that came with that. They both knew this would be their last moments together.  The tears flowed. 

Rachel knew she had to go down to complete baldness, so one night, Mike had her in the shower and just shaved it to the skin.  None of us knew until they emerged from the bathroom.  I gave a slight gasp, but embraced her baldness with joy.  Wow, the things we found underneath her hair was amazing.  We knew she had a few scars from childhood - JD dropping a hammer on her head and dad having to stitch up a cut she had.  But none of us knew she had the birthmark on the back of her neck at the base of her skull.  That was so fun to discover.

One of their nightly face time moments with their granddaughter - do you see how joyful they are.??

These last three pictures were taken two days after I arrived.  Rachel decided it was time to shave her hair off with clippers.  She was SO overcome with emotions and all the feelings that come with being a woman, who's hair has always been a literally crowning glory for her - nervous that Mike and her kids will feel differently about her - that she won't feel pretty anymore and all that comes with that.  Mike tenderly told her he loved her more than life itself and that he would always love her.  Some of their private words were heard only by them and I felt literally the love they shared between them.  Rachelle then clipped her hair off with the rest of the family watching. We all cried.

The days were filled with watching a show called Heartland, a new series that Rachel fell in love with.  I think it took her to another place away from her cancer and dying while she watched it.  We also put together some care packages for each of her kids for when they have their first children - with baby blankets and sweaters from our mom - plus I helped her write, or fine, I wrote her resignation letter to the choir as she just couldn't do it without weeping.  It has been over a ten year experience that she has loved more than anything else.  So to officially ask to be released from the choir was very difficult for her.  We wrote letters to her daughters for the day they get married - for Shayla's last play she'll star in - for Savannah while she's on her mission - and some other goodbye letters to people she really loves and cares for.  The family talked about the funeral - some legal and financial situations for when Rachel dies - some of which I didn't want to know or hear.  I had a few moments of disappointment when I heard some of the girls have a few very 'entitled' moments about some of Rachel's belongings.  I was glad I would have very little, if anything, to leave my children to fight over.

And there was one more painful pain thresh hold moment the Saturday night before I left.  This also came on very quickly.  We were playing games and I looked and saw in Rachel's eyes that she was going to lose it very soon.  I motioned to Mike to look at her and we immediately took her upstairs.  Rachelle followed and by the time we got up there, Rachel was in full blown melt down.  Mike got her quickly into the bath while Rachel helped him.  I was comforting Rachel and lighting candles throughout the bathroom at Mikes request.  The episode took over an hour.  Meds being given.  Stroking of her head and limbs - I was crying - softly.  The new meds finally kicked in and we got her into bed where quickly fell to sleep.  It had been even worse than her previous episode.  I was overwhelmed and called Becca and Elaine sobbing.  

I went home 4 days later.  The last few days were spent as the other days had been - full of schedules of when to take meds, what she's taken and when - what's working, what's not.  Hospice did start my last few days that I was there.  They come in twice a week and give her the medications to keep her comfortable and her quality of life at it's prime.  I'm sounding very technical - but that's what a lot of it became until I got on the phone with Becca and Elaine.  Then the emotions and feelings would gush out like a faucet.  I was so overcome at all Rachel was having to live through.  There were days that I hoped the Lord would hear her pleas and let her be relieved of her pain.  Then there were days that I couldn't imagine life with her gone and I would pray for her cancer to be gone and she be healed.  Reality was not something I had any interest in. 

Conversations with Mike though made me realize that they are not feeling picked on at all.  They are feeling very blessed as they shared some of the spiritual experiences they have been having.  They know Rachel is going to die and they know it will be fairly soon.  Yes, it sucks that Savannah will be on her mission when it happens and that Shayla will lose her mother at such a tender age.  Mike talks of discussions they have had that yes, he WILL remarry and probably be married to a new wife longer than his 3o years with Rachel.  But they will always love each other as their firsts.  

I left Rachel expecting to go back another time for a two week shift, but circumstances have changed that I will not be going back as planned.  So my last goodbyes in person have been said and my last hugs and I love you's have been given.  I'm now scared.  Yep, scared that the next phone call from Becca will be the one telling me that Rachel is gone.  But we've already had several phone calls in the meantime and in fact, I will continue with my posts tomorrow explaining some of the current situation.  I at least felt I needed to get this part of my memories posted so that in a few weeks, or a month or whenever, I don't shock my readers with the announcement that Rachel has died.