I Am Reconciled

For the first time, I feel beautiful.
No really - I feel, finally, like I have always wanted to feel about myself.
Beautiful.  And now, it can include 'physically' too.
I know it should never have had to be about weight - how I look - etc.
But for those of us that have almost always had a weight problem??  It IS about weight...
I have not bought a lot of new clothes...a few dresses, 2 pair of jeans and a few new tops.
But now, I can wear anything.  I can literally go to my closet, pick anything out and just slip it on and go out the door.  I no longer have to worry about what fits and what doesn't fit.
CAN YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW LIBERATING THAT MAKES ME FEEL???
And I look good - skinny - healthy - happy.
I look  pretty.  And what I have realized over the past 4 months???
Is how much time I have spent over my lifetime, with that being my constant worry...how can I cover my weight??  How can I feel and be pretty AND fat???
I could never reconcile the two as one.
Before the surgery, I spent months and months analyzing me feelings about my weight and body.  The one thing I wanted to make sure NEVER happened, was that I would become prideful...that I would put such a value on the OUTSIDE of my body, that I would lose focus on the beauty that would need to come from deep inside my heart and soul.  I didn't want to be 'pretty on the outside'
but without the spirit on the inside.
I wanted to be Merrilee Dickerson.  She was my Laurel advisor - and she was beautiful - at least, I thought so.  And her husband was handsome, and he could sing beautifully.  She was thoughtful - kind, soft, intense with the spirit, had beautiful children and a happy home.  She was giving of her time and attention - and she cared about me.  I knew it, because I could feel it each time she taught me a lesson, asked me to babysit, or asked about how I was doing.  I wanted to be Merrilee.
Instead of spending the time doing research on how to prepare for my surgery, I spent time on trying to prepare the 'inside of Marlys' for the 'outside of Marlys'.  I wanted the two to reconcile POST surgery.
Kylie took this picture of me last week at my office.  I was needing a new one for our office website, so I asked Kylie, and this is what she took.  For the first time, I can see peace - contentment - I can see pretty - inside and out. Kylie was able to capture what I have always wanted to be...pretty.
Del has not seen the picture.  I'm giving it to him as a Christmas gift for his office.
I'm grateful for the surgery - I'm grateful for the change inside and out.  I like being changed - I like being new.  It's a great opportunity I've been given -