Friday, April 23, 2010

Unsettling Nightmares

About Michael. I don't have them often anymore but on occasion, I will have one that leaves me pretty unsettled and upset.
Last nights...
I'm at a huge mission conference type thing..I'm not a missionary but my dad is the mission president and there are a bunch of missionaries all over the place. There is a visiting General Authority - oddly enough, Elder Wells, and the meeting is going to start soon. Uncle Floyd is over in the incoming crowd with my dad, who are making their way into the big room where it appears they are going to have some type of news conference. I am sitting on some stairs with other family members and my mom comes in and sits up front, and then my sister in law Ann comes in holding my son Michael. I can tell he is getting tired and she is trying to keep him pacified, so I go over to relieve her and take him to the very back of the room where we have his respirator all set up.
His trach tube is somehow attached through his mouth instead of his throat and I am able to hook up the respirator to it.
I'm starting to get settled into a rocking chair with him when another child or two at the conference, come over and start playing with the respirator settings and removing things. Alarms start to go off and I ask them politely to quit playing with the machines. They continue for a minute and then walk away as I try to figure out what the settings were on the respirator. It's then, that I realize, I don't know the vitally important settings as to the oxygen and the carbon monoxide levels of the machine and putting the wrong settings could kill Michael. I start to cry and panic that I don't know them and people in the crowd can see how upset I am as Michael gets sleepier and sleepier and I don't have anything to keep him awake and breathing for him.
Then someone advises me to call Betsy, one of Michael's nurses in the major hospital where Michael stayed and see if they can bring over another respirator for Michael.
While waiting for them to come, I am again trying desperately to get the machine going and frantically send someone up to get my dad from the front of the room to help me. He comes down from the stage and comes over to help, making a slight comment that 'he really needed to be up front to handle the perfect timing of the meeting but then he got right to work in trying to set up the respirator. He wasn't mean, just appeared inconvenienced for a slight moment but then resolved the immediate problem. I'm trying to keep Michael awake and breathing on his own, but he's barely surviving.
Then appears the medical team from the local hospital with a brand spankin new respirator. I collapse into grateful tears as it has literally been 20 years since I've seen all of them but they look familiar and very reassuring as they begin to get things taken care of. They say that our respirator is so old and that we can now have the new one. They greet me and I recognize several faces and names. They are so warm and comforting.
And I begin to sob...uncontrollably sobbing grateful and relieved tears of joy.
Things would be okay.

And then I wake up.

Now, what did all that mean!!??
I hate trying to analyze it - I don't WANT to analyze it -
It's over and I can't do anything about then why do I feel SO unsettled??
So...I write it down - I don't know why I write it down. I don't necessarily want to remember the dream but feel that I'm supposed to write it down.
I hate that it MIGHT mean something.
I don't want it to mean anything...
He's gone physically - I can no longer help him physically.
But Del wants it to mean something. I tell him 'I had a bad dream about Michael' but don't want to go into details. He wants to know them because he feels dreams are not by mistake....
So, I write it down, using all my energies to write it once so I don't have to rethink it or share it a second time.
Now, it will affect my whole day.
I hate when my dream the night before sets the mood for the kind of day I'm going to have.
I wish I could dream only happy dreams...
Don't we all???

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Some Family Fun

So it started out friendly enough....
But we finally decided that a referee would be necessary for the close call.
Was it close??? Nope...just seconds later, Del was declared champion - again.
Crazy cousins....
Why is this always funny??

Good Sabbath Day. We had Kylie and Mike, Sean and Becky and the missionaries to dinner tonight - spaghetti, salad, green beans, garlic bread and peaches, with chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert...yummy.
The whole wrestling match occurred because Sean and Becky have been on the P90X work out regime and it really is making an obvious change in them both, but mostly in Sean. He actually LOOKS beefier (is that a word?) and so we encouraged him to arm wrestle 'uncle Del'. Well, Uncle Del has not been beaten in years; nor did he plan on it today either. The results were as expected but a rematch has been set for in 60 days when Sean completes his P90X program. I'm pretty sure the results will be the same but maybe not quite as easy for Uncle Del as it was today. You just don't negate 30 years of being an Idaho Farmer with age and being away from hard physical labor. Those 30 years should sustain him through the rest of his life. I imagine Jordan will be wanting a re-match also the next time he see's Del, so Sean is just giving Del some much needed practice.
Yesterday was the wedding of one of my Seminary students and dear friend of Jordan - Ricky Adams...he married a lovely young lady named Alisha in the Dallas Temple and then the reception was last night. Ricky's family is half Hispanic, so it was quite the PARTY/celebration and seemed just a little over the top for us. Not Ricky's doing, of course, but his mothers. After a wonderful dinner, we did leave early as the party got to be a little too much for us...loud music - open bar for non members and inappropriate dancing. Del had a headache pretty quickly and so we left by 9:30. The party apparently went for another 2 hours, so I was glad we made our escape earlier. But it was wonderful to see Ricky and his wife so happy. I wish them much joy and happiness.
We have a flat tire to deal with tomorrow. Our Honda came home from church with the back left tire flat and so now we have to look at getting it fixed. Another expense...Tomorrow is my last day of vacation and then back to work on Tuesday. UGH!!! But it has been so nice to have the much needed time off. I can't believe how quickly it flew by though.
But back to the grind I go...

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Spiders, Snails and Puppy Dog Tails

'That's what little BOYS are made of'.... I was so wrong - thought for sure it was a girl. But I'm not disappointed in the least to know that Kylie is having a boy.
Kathryn and I were able to go with Mike and Kylie to the ultrasound appointment where the doctor was able to see plain and clear that the baby is a boy. It's been over seventeen years since I've seen an ultrasound done and it was so fascinating to know that it was my grandson. He was so active and extremely immodest that the doctor was able to see right away that we had a little missionary in the making!! I'm so happy for both Mike and Kylie; Michael cause he has someone to carry on the Crump name, and Kylie, because she has all the makings of an Eagle Scout, missionary and future Stripling Warrior.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I Need a Vacation from my Vacation

My ten day vacation started Thursday at noon. Kathryn took me to have my nails done and then my eyebrows waxed. The nails are nice but very inconvenient. I don't know how anybody gets anything done with long fingernails...they are just useless. And the eye brow waxing just downright hurt!!! Both of us got our haircut of which only one of us was really happy and the other has been crying ever since!!! They cut off 10 inches of Kathryn's gorgeous blond hair and she was devastated. It seems to be a little bit better though with every compliment she gets, which is about every 5 minutes. It really does make her look very sassy and older - kind of 'college' ready.
Then yesterday, my Maytag washer's partner in crime, my dryer, died about a year ago and we had to replace it at that time. I really expected them both to last a little bit longer than only 10 years, so I am quite disappointed that I had no washing machine yesterday. But it ended up being for the best, as I wouldn't have had time to do the laundry anyways, as Del called from work and said that the principal of Kathryn's school had called him saying Kathryn was in the hospital - she had passed out at school and couldn't be revived, so the ambulance had to come and take her to the hospital. She was most upset that the EMT's had cut her new bra off, the only one that really fit her and thrown it away. I was a little suspicious of that too, as the ER nurse said they only do that during a 'trauma' situation; and that was a $32 bra!!!
Kylie came and picked me up and we drove over to the hospital where Kathryn was having blood drawn for some tests and things. Otherwise, she appeared just a little 'worn out' and couldn't remember much of anything. The principal and teacher that helped Kathryn gave us the details - just that she was on her way to the nurse with the teacher, on the elevator, and just went down. The nurse and others tried to revive her, but she was out cold. So EMT's and ambulance were called and tried to do the same with no success, so she was taken in. She remembers nothing. Test results showed nothing, so we are left with an ER bill and a lot of questions. We brought her home and we tucked her into bed. They said it could be stress. WHAT!!??
Today, Del and I went washing machine shopping. I can't believe how much those cost now. It won't be delivered until Monday - more money, more stress. I've been watching my vacation money leaving my account over the past two days, but realize that dreams and needs seldom equal each other and I have to be okay with where the money is going. I can only do what I can do.
So, I have no washing machine yet to do laundry, I already did the grocery shopping yesterday and so we are just finishing up on some yard work and I made cookies. Del's allergies seem to be a little worse this year - he's sneezing and coughing and has the whole 'watery eye' thing going on. I've found him some Claritan that I hope will help him. But in the meantime, he's finishing up on the final touches of the yard before coming in for the day.
Jordan finished school yesterday - or the winter semester. He did great except for one class - Psychology - probably got a D in it...But his other classes were good. Now, he's going to start his new job Monday - full time in a lawyers office making some good money. He will have to travel to Idaho Falls every day, but it's only 30 minutes and he has a car now...not a great one, but it will at least get him where he needs to be. He's on his own financially...I can only pray for him now. Hopefully, he will be wise beyond his years.
So that has been my vacation so far. I'm already worn out - physically and financially. I think I need to go back to work on Monday just to make sure nothing else happens. I can't afford these kind of vacations. I may just sleep the remaining 8 days -

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Easter Weekend

No Easter Bunny, but my brother Paul and his family came into town...does THAT count??? So fun to see Paul and Sherrie, the girls and little Adam. It's been awhile...Time passes quickly.
But best of all, this weekend was also General Conference; and boy, it was great, as always. We had our traditional homemade cinnamon rolls, breakfast burrito/waffle breakfast and we added Sean and Becky to the mix this year, and they brought some pineapple and strawberries. Next year, we will have to add Mark and Elaine to the mix and just make it at their house to fit all of us in. The more the merrier.
And it was kind of special this year, General Conference I mean. It was my sister Rachel's first time to sing with the Mormon Tabernacle choir at conference. She made the choir a couple of months ago and had started singing in the Sunday Spoken Word Program, but this was her first conference. And it showed her several times and it was great to see her. I was sooo proud of her.
A dream come true for her...and me.
When I lived in Utah, I went through just the preliminary steps of trying out for the choir. One lady I went through some of the process with actually made it and I now watch her in the choir and wonder what would have happened had I stayed in Utah. Who knows? Right? I'll never know, but I am soo happy for Rachel.
The Conference talks were uplifting and inspiring - and some of them life changing for me. Elder Jeffrey Holland's talk was one of them. My tolerance level for foul language, violence and inappropriate television watching has just risen to an all time high. I will be much more obedient to not allowing certain material into my home. I want to read and re-read the conference talks once they arrive in my home in the Ensign.
But a very fulfilling and enjoyable weekend for me.
I love the feeling of love and happiness of being a member of the church that this conference has left me with.
I'm so grateful for our Prophet, his counselors and the brethren in the church. And Sister Beck's talk, our General RS President - her talk was excellent also. A lot to re-read and study again in print. The fact that it was Easter weekend and the focus was on our Savior and the Atonement was a huge plus also.
So grateful for the Gospel.