'I Longed To Be There'

 

I'm jealous of this picture.  That I'm not there with my other sisters.  That I'm not hearing what Rachel was saying to those in the room.  That I'm not feeling the spirit that was in the room.  I should have been there.

Rebecca was able to be a caregiver for Rachel for a few very difficult days.  Becca said she was emotionally, physically and in many other ways, completely exhausted and 'spent' at the end of the 4 days.  She could hardly express her emotions to me.

Uncle Floyd was able to go up with my mom to see Rachel.  He will speaking at Rachel's funeral.  She asked him to read her patriarchal blessing to her out loud and then he gave her some counsel and consoling.

Rachel was trying to express to Uncle Floyd some of her thoughts and feelings.  She was distressed, but pleading to him for relief of her pain and discomfort.

Rachel is ALWAYS wanting mom to come see her.  She is so tender with mom - loves her deeply.

Living Through the Final Days

 The past 10 days for Rachel have been a roller coaster.  Mike has been having a very difficult time trying to keep up with Rachel's care giving, so he called us and Elaine went up and has been there for over a week.  During that time, she has declined significantly; barely able to understand her speaking and mumbling.  They, at one time, were withholding food and water from her to help the process along, but she wasn't ready for that stage, so they are back to giving her tiny bites of food like once a day and sips of water.  Nothing to sustain her or prolong her life, but nothing to shorten it either.  Becca went for a few days to help Elaine too, and the four days there, Becca says were some of the most difficult to watch Rachel.  Dying is not pretty - and some sides of Rachel have manifest themselves as very mean and ugly.  But we realize it's not her.  That's just her body, fighting the pain, fighting the dying process and fighting the loss of knowing who she is anymore.  I want to be there for her, but on the flip side, I don't want to remember her that way.  

Mike Has called in for more professional help from hospice.  So for the past two nights, they have had a full time nurse to come in from 9:00 pm to 9:00 am to administer to all of Rachel's needs.  It has given both Mike and the other care takers a few nights of good sleep and rejuvenation to handle Rachel's needs during the day.  They say her vital signs are still strong, but she has not had enough food and water to sustain her for much longer.  

I live for the daily reports from Becca and Elaine to know the details that the others don't get.  There was a day that they sent me texts begging me to have our family pray for her immediate release from this life, as her suffering was so great.  So, we did.  Of course, always with the stipulation of the Lord's will being done in HIS time.  

And she lives through another day.

The Time is Near

 My mom and Jennifer went to visit Rachel today.  She was in so much pain that she could not even acknowledge that they were there with her.  My mom spoke to her, telling her each name of her siblings and our spouses - sharing that each one of us loved her - we longed for her peace and comfort.  

Ruth is there today to take care of her through the night, so that Mike, who is running on fumes, can get some type of rest.  He is totally and completely exhausted, and needs to sleep.  The Hospice nurse and doctor came today and gave Ruth a pamphlet about the final hours or life and what to expect.  Ruth asked them what we are looking at - if it's weeks or months before she'll pass.  They replied, 'Oh no - we're looking at days - probably this weekend'. Ruth just collapsed, stunned by the suddenness of it all.  I too, am unnerved by the report.  I'm not ready.  And I'll be the first to say, that for selfish reasons I want more time.  But I know she can't.  Mike is going to be calling his children together tonight to give her a blessing to release her from this earth to return to her Father's.  

Heavenly Father, Thy will be done.

A Gathering of Flowers for Rachel

 Last Saturday, Rachelle organized a gathering of neighbors, ward members, choir members, family and friends to come with flowers to the house and plant them all throughout Rachel's yard.  Rachel has always loved flower gardens: almost more so than anything else.  She has carried that love to my mom's yard where she has always kept the prettiest of flowers.  Rachel mustard up all the strength she had to try and be present for all her visitors, but towards the end, when just her family was left, she fell into a deep exhaustion with Mom, Becca and Jennifer around her.  It was emotional to see Rachel joyful about the flowers, but so sad to know that she would never see them fully bloom and return year after year.  After everyone had left and Rachel had gotten a little rest, Mike took her outside to show her all the flowers that had been planted by the tens of  people, around 50, that had come to plant beauty into her yard.

Now, each year, as Spring comes, Mike will have a sweet reminder of his sweet wife Rachel, and the expression of pure love and kindness shown her by the tens of people that loved Rachel and wanted her to never be forgotten.

Text To Rachel - sent 04-03-2021

 It’s a little past midnight and our house is quite. I am softly rocking my new granddaughter Peyton to sleep and giving thanks to my Heavenly Father for sending us such a sweet angel to our home.

You are slowly slipping away from us Rach. You’re barely eating enough to take your meds and your body is gradually succumbing to the exhaustion of your valiant fight. You are dying. And my heart is breaking. I hold life in my arms and see death taking you away. This circle is hard for me to bare!! And yet, tears are shed as Peyton left the heavens and joy was full here on earth where we welcomed her. It will be the same for you, my sweet sis. We will weep here as daddy embraces you home in the heavens. Our Fathers plan is perfect. And yet, I will miss you. I have always loved you Rach, a little more tenderly than some of the others. You and Mike have truly been family that we have loved deeply and hard. And thus, our sadness is also deep and hard. I wish I could be with you as you quietly make this, your last transition on earth. Like most things in life, you have not been one for much fanfare, just have lived a good and fulfilling life. You’ve had your fair share of both ups and downs, wishes for re-do’s in raising children. But haven’t we all. All in all, your eternal family will be your greatest joy. And you deserve it.

Rach, rest now. Know I love you with my whole soul. These next few weeks, and if we’re lucky, months, will be your last. But only for this life. I long for our eternal memories still to be made in the heavens above. I will attempt several more times to reach you in between your sleep as the days pass.

Love to you, my sweet sis.

It's Not About What I Want

 

Rachel is going to die.  I would rather she not - right?  I would rather she had been able to have chemo and radiation and be cured and in remission from this terrible poison that is killing her.  To be able to still sing in the Tabernacle Choir.  To be able to watch her little Everly and other grandchildren grow up and have children of their own.  To watch her last 2 daughters get married and have children.  To watch her son Eric return to the loving arms of his family.  To practice cutting  hair and styling that she just graduated school from.  To travel with her husband Mike in retirement and see more of the world. To swim in her pool in the backyard, and hot tub with Mike in the evenings.  To call me Mars when she calls and asks how Fred is doing (Del's middle name is Fredrick) .  I want to sing with her again and realize how much alike we sound.  I want to brag about her being in THEE choir and live vicariously through her chance to be an alto 2 under Mack Wilberg.  I want to go on more sisters and husbands trips with her and laugh our heads off on the cruise ship playing Make a Million in the halls.  I want to cry with her as she expresses trials and disappointments with members of her family and I want to hide away all her secrets she's ever told me in a place that they will never be found.  I want her to live.

But, it's not about what I want.  I have faith that Rachel can be healed.  But I don't ask because it's not the plan. This is truly God's plan.  It's not what I want, but it's what God wants.  I don't know if it's that God needs her home for other things, or if her being gone is to help someone HERE learn needed lessons.  Either or, the Lord's plan WILL be fulfilled.  I hate that Rachel is the one that has to be used for this particular plan or lesson.  I miss not getting my way on this one though.

On Tuesday, Becca took mom up to see Rachel, who wasn't even able to get out of bed.  So, Becca and Mom climbed into bed with Rachel and watched some church shows and then they did some visiting for about 45 minutes.  Becca says Rach was exhausted after that, so mom and Becca went home.  Becca said it was especially hard on mom that day realizing how quickly Rach is slipping away.

Thursday, JD and Tiffany spent time taking care of Rachel for the day and JD took this above picture of Rach, who was able to give JD half a smile for the camera.  He said that as he and Tiffany were leaving, Rachel whispered 'I'm fading' to them.  JD felt she was letting them know it won't be too much longer.

Our Third Annual Nana's Day

 

We painted pet rocks, we had homemade soft serve ice cream - did bubbles outside and played games in the backyard.  Then we had the girls do a little talent show before we watched a new Disney movie.  We made flowers for the garden and planted flower windmills - just so much was had by us all.  It was our first time with 6 little grandchildren.  I LOVE the picture of me with the 6 grandchildren.  It's my favorite.  I was exhausted by the end of the events and needed a good nap.  But I have very sweet little grandkids - most of the time.  One or two of them have their not so nice moments, but overall, they are adorable!  Makes this Nana heart very happy.

Peyton Adel Malone

 

These pictures TOTALLY downloaded in the wrong order.  This is very frustrating for me when I'm trying to chronicalize the order of events - But it takes SO long to remove the pictures and then download them all over again.  SOOO...we're going from the bottom picture UP.

Little Peyton Adel Malone was born on Feb.3, 2021 - weighed exactly 7 pounds and was 19.5 inches long.  And she's a beauty.  Kathryn had kidney stones up until the night before Peyton was born and they started up again the day AFTER Peyton was born.  So honestly, Kathryn said having Peyton was a breeze compared to the stones. Kathryn attempted nursing but it didn't go well and Peyton didn't like Kathryn's milk.  So she has been taking a bottle since about day 6 or so and is a trooper.  In fact, she's about a hefty 12 pounds or so now - a chunky monkey we call her.

Because of Kathryn's continued painful kidney stones, I have been taking care of Peyton during most of the day and then through the night for her feedings.  We have a very special little bond.  I've always held her on my left shoulder which ended up causing a pinched nerve over the past 2-3 weeks, so I do have to take a break every once in awhile to allow my pain to subside long enough to walk.  Once Kathryn is back to good health, she'll finally be able to spend the time with Peyton that she is desperately wanting to have.  Kathryn will be having 3 more surgeries over the next few weeks and then hopefully the problems will be resolved, and she can begin to really be the momma Peyton wants and needs.  It's been a lot of patience, long suffering and  understanding to make it through this hard time, but what a blessing it is to have Peyton in our lives.  We love her to the moon and back.

Rachel Part 4 - Loved By So Many

 

And there were probably at least 20 more visitors that I never got pictures of.  And like I said before, it got to the point in the middle of February that we finally had to kindly tell people that Rachel could no longer take visitors because she was just too weak and feeble.  All of my siblings were able to come and see Rachel the end of January to the middle of February and say their goodbyes.  Those visits were very tender and emotional for both sibling and Rachel.  And then some of Rachel's favorite cousins that she was raised to be BFF's with came to see her in February to say their goodbyes too.  THAT was rough.  Lots of tears and heavy hearts.

Several members of the choir came to deliver a plaque to her from the directors Mack Wilburg and Ryan Murphy.  That meant a lot to her - the recognition of her love and devotion to the choir.  It truly was something she loved so much.  I have literally over 100 pictures from choir members with Rachel in them.  She was loved by all of them, but especially her Alto 2 section. and her cousin Ruth.  Just this past week during General Conference, it was so difficult for me to watch the choir sing, especially as Rachel's face seemed to come up a little more often than usual.  My heart ached, knowing that she would never sing with that choir again.  I have so many still shots of her singing with the choir - they are the most beautiful of her with full make up and her hair just perfect.  And I know she was doing what she loved to do - sing.

At the end of my two weeks with Rachel, it ended up that Elaine needed to come for another shift as Becca hadn't been able to get off work yet.  I would be leaving the same day Elaine was flying in - I was very emotional that day, feeling very exhausted and so SO sad to leave Rachel.  My heart just ached.  I was at the airport texting Elaine, to find out that her plane had landed early but was stuck out on the runway waiting to be brought in to unload.  We tagged back and forth hoping desperately to be able to see each other.  As my flight was calling last passengers to board, I saw Elaine get off her flight and come looking for me.  I ran down the terminal to hers and we embraced in the biggest hug with the biggest tears.  I was so relieved to see her and found myself with such a surge of love for her, knowing that Rachel would now be well taken care of again for another two weeks.  It was a memory that I will not ever forget.

After Elaine's two weeks, Rebecca went in and had a wonderful 12 days with Rachel doing some very fun things with her - sewing baby quilts for each of her kids and playing games etc.  Becca would report to me and Elaine that Rachel was appearing so much improved - not having her aches and pains and bad moments at all.  To the point even, that Rachel felt that it would be best to postpone having us care takers do any more shifts at this time, but wait until we would be more needed near the end.  And according to how Rachel was feeling, she thought that might not even be until fall.  I was slightly disappointed, but knew Rachel also needed some private time and unwinding time alone before we started up with care again.  It was during her time with Becca that she had some of the best days she had had in over 6 months.  Mike said she really loved those good feeling days.

It's now April 7th and those good days slowly moved on.  She has now, for about 3 weeks, fallen in to a gradual slipping away from us.  Her pain levels have taken her to 2 daily doses of morphine now, sometimes more.  She's not eating much and is most comfortable sleeping all day.  She has called for my mother several times, at which point either my cousin Ruth or Becca will drive mom up to see her and just hold Rachel for hours.  Mom and Becca went up yesterday and Rachel couldn't even get out of bed, so they both climbed into bed with Rachel and spent over an hour visiting with her there.  On those days, Rachel expresses that it will only be weeks left.  On other days, she actually feels she might make it to May.  Either way, I am terribly sad - scared - overwhelmed with this ever persistent call to go home.  I know it's best for Rachel, but I cannot resign myself to the reality of it all.