Monday, January 31, 2011

SHHHHH...I'm Working..

Since September, I started doing something on the side...
in November, when I quit full time work, I started doing this more than 'just on the side'. I've been doing it 'often'.
BUT, I'll be going back to work full time in just a few weeks, so it will become 'on the side again'.
What am I doing?
Still not ready to tell....
I finally have a secret!!!!

Out of the Mouths of Babes....

Most of you know that I have been trying to lose some weight...
and it's been really hard !!!!
I have a total of 40 to lose, 50 if I am really ambitious....
I've lost 22 so far.
But this is how bad it was....
I was called as the Primary chorister in the middle of December. I knew a lot of the children before I even went in to the Primary, some a little more than others.
One of the little boys, named Carson, is one of my absolute favorites. He is adorable and we have a very fun and cute relationship. I tease him a lot - well, flirt with him. I call him my boyfriend and he tells his mom I'm his girlfriend. When I lead the music in Primary, he always tries to sing his best for me and when I look his way, he always smiles. Melts my heart like no other. Unconditional love - sweet - innocent.
I had missed the two previous weeks at church because of Jordan's wedding and I was sick the other week. Carson had noticed I was gone. I wasn't wearing anything special that showed any marked weight loss but obviously Carson noticed???
Carson asked me yesterday how I was feeling. I told him GREAT. He then smiled and asked me...'Did you have a boy or a girl?' Stopped me in my tracks. I scowled , pursed my lips and told Carson I hadn't had a baby....He reached out, patted my tummy and said, "Then what was in here before?"
I had to laugh - I couldn't stop from laughing - for about a good 10 minutes I laughed. Carson didn't quite see the humor in what I felt would have brought death to any other of the male species...but from this precious little soul, it brought me joy that he had noticed that I had delivered...a baby.
So, for my sweet Carson and all the others who have noticed...I had a baby - a boy.
And I've named him...'halfway'.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


I've been a BYU fan for literally 45 + years.
My older brother Paul says I would listen to BYU sports when I was in kindergarten.
And then when technology progressed and college sports finally got big on tv, I would watch whatever was available.
I've pretty much been consumed with sports my whole life, basically being raised as a 5th boy after four older brothers. I love sports.
But it wasn't until 1978, when I graduated from high school, that I zeroed in specifically on BYU and no other college. I was, after all, on my way to the Y a day after I walked my high school graduation ceremony and I was feeling the college spirit.
My first semester at BYU had the all time famous Marc Wilson as starting quarterback but then in came Jim McMahon, who ended up taking BYU to the now ever famous Holiday Bowl, aka, The Miracle Bowl. Danny Ainge was an All American on the basketball team and made us famous in the last 8 seconds, going the length of the court for a game winning lay up against Notre Dame. And so it went, year after year after year at BYU, producing the occasional stand out who went pro in their designated sport...Steve Young, Ty Detmer, Devin Durrant, Greg Kite, Fred Roberts, Kelly Poppinga, VIa Sikahima, Junior Mahe, Brandon Doman, Max Hall and my all time favorite - Austin Collie. Of course, there are MANY others, all of which I can't remember right now, but only because right now, my focus is on only one man....
Jimmer Fredette....if you bleed blue, or have ever bled blue in the past, you know who Jimmer Fredette is. And at this point, if you follow college basketball at all, you have heard the name Jimmer Fredette. In fact, if you live in the United States and have turned your tv channel to Sports Center, you have heard of Jimmer Fredette. And one more past that...even if you haven't turned your tv channel to Sports Center but you've watched the National news, you have heard of Jimmer Fredette. AND if you haven't, you just don't matter....Only one event in the sports world is being discussed more than that of Jimmer Fredette right now...and that would be The Super Bowl, scheduled for play this Sunday. Otherwise, Jimmer is...the man.
He's a senior at BYU - his story is sweet - his shots are sweeter...all American sweetheart of basketball. Yeah, I'm in awe - of his talent, humility and skill...huge crush. I'm loving his games along with the rest of the nation. So cool to turn to ANY and ALL sports channels and hear every commentator throwing his name around - comparing all players and teams to him and to hear the three point shot called 'Jimmer range' - his moves called 'Jimmer style' and his gametime called 'Jimmertime'. We're a sports world obsessed with Jimmer Fredette.
And I love it.
And it's time....
today's game starts right now...
It's Jimmertime....

BAHAHA - P.S. Before posting this entry, I pressed spell check to check all mis-spellings - HAHAHA - over 30 corrections to be made...apparently, BLOG has not been watching SPORTS CENTER - it's never heard of Jimmer Fredette...
Love it!

P.S.S. - Even with Jimmer having a 32 point game, BYU suffers a loss...ouch. Hard to get over those...:(

Friday, January 28, 2011

But He's Just a Little Boy!!!

Today, I babysat my little Preston while Mike and Kylie were doing some things at their new home that they will be moving into tomorrow. Before they brought him over though, he had his 4 month little check up... can you believe that??? He's already 4 months old. He was in the 97% as far as weight - over 100% in height...and over 200% in being adorable. He also had his 4 month immunizations, leaving each thigh with a little round band-aid to cover the injection spot. When he arrived at my house, I could feel he had a low grade fever and had a slightly puckered lower lip in the most appropriate little pout to express his displeasure in his newly acquired 'owiees'!!! I was warned by Kylie that he might be a little fussy and would probably need a little extra TLC. I was pretty sure I could accommodate him and was willing to give him all the extra love he would need. He was, after all, just a little boy!!!
It reminded me of the time I was 30 and I was taking Kylie to the doctor for her immunizations. I was in a continual state of being frazzled at that time in my life - Jordan and Kylie close together and both very young. I seldom showered and dressed for the day and never did my hair...I was always in sweat pants and a tee shirt - real attractive.
Jordan adored Kylie from the minute she was born and was extremely protective of her in making sure her every need of comfort was met. It was on one of those days I packaged up both kids and off to the doctor's office we went. Jordan was curious of the nurses every move and when she approached Kylie, Jordan's face was right there to make sure things were being done carefully.
I knew Kylie would cry. ALL babies cry when they get a shot. And she didn't disappoint us. Injection was given and Kylie wailed. This, of course, enraged Jordan!! He walked over to the nurse and with every ounce of strength his little 4 year old body could muster up, he punched the nurse in her arm and said - 'NO HURT MY BABY!!' My heart dropped to the floor.
It was probably adorable at the time....but I didn't appreciate it until later...much later. I remember taking a deep breath and thinking 'he's just a little boy', took both children and slithered out of the office knowing I was too tired to even apologize to the offended parties....

Tonight, I experienced a pain I know happens a lot in our evil world, but it was brought closer to home because it was shared to me by someone I'm very close to. Although he doesn't care if he's spoken of by name, I do...I care. So I will call him....Tom. (alias)
I was talking with Tom about nicknames we call people - mostly our children - names of affection or endearment. I thought his names of 'bug-a-dee', 'gaboo' and 'the boy' for his three children were both cute and affectionate but I was also curious as to 'how they came to be'. A small explanation was given on each. I then asked him what his nickname had been growing his parents. He paused and then quoted what I thought at the time, was a joke. It wasn't very nice - not nice at all.
Tom's parents are LDS - good LDS people, so I, of course, questioned his sincerity in his answer. He assured me it was accurate, and then proceeded to rip my heart in pieces...
When Tom was 6 years old, his mother was apparently angry with took a fly swatter and began to beat him with it as it tore his skin and bloodied his body. He cried until his sisters took him and hid him in a closet away from his mother...then proceeded to clean him up because he had 'soiled himself' in the whole process. He was only 6 - just a little boy.
I sobbed. I was literally overcome by the evil of the story - by the cruelty placed on such a little child. For a moment, I felt hate - anger - and finally begged Tom to stop his memory because I just couldn't grasp any more of the emotion I was feeling.
But Tom can't stop his memory. It's part of his life. Since a young little boy, he has had to live with this memory and many other memories that are much the same as this horrible story shared with me tonight. While he was telling me a few details, my heart was crying out , "BUT YOU WERE JUST A LITTLE BOY!!!" I was closing my eyes as tight as I could hoping to erase the vision that was beginning to form in my mind. I could see Tom suffering - crying out in pain - a little 6 year old boy trying to understand why this mother was hurting him.
Enough...I can't go there any more. And he can't either. He was going to tell more when he suddenly stopped and said, more than once , 'but at what point?' meaning...what would it resolve to say anything more??? To what end? To what conclusion? To what result?
For Tom? There is none...just the life he now tries to live - with the memories he has been given to live through. He has raised three children - good children. Never laid a hand on them - only discussion, listening and a lot of love.
His reward??? His children love him and they know, without question, that he loves them. That's all he wants in his life now. That's all that's important to him. I would think he would want revenge - to be able to forget - to not hurt anymore.
But no...his heart and soul are none of those things.
He was just a little boy - but now, a really good man.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

"Cute as a Bug"

Kathryn and I went to the movies today.
Her heart has been a little 'tender' lately - hurt...
She wanted to see a chick flick. I think she wanted to cry and needed a 'reason'.
So I went with her. And she cried.
When we came out and got to the car, she wanted me to drive. She ALWAYS likes to drive when I'm with her because the rule is, whoever is driving gets to pick the music. I always pick oldies...which to her, is anything before the turn of the century. But just lately, if you've read my FB and/or blog, I'm going through an ABBA phase and she knew I would put on Take a Chance on Me and let it blast...which I did.
She didn't join in though on the singing and after a few seconds, I reached over and turned off the music, just as she burst into tears.
Weeping and wailing - slight gnashing of teeth..."Will I ever fall in love...?" "Will anyone ever really love me..?" etc etc....
Of course, my thoughts are 'don't over react - just listen to her - try not to laugh - be compassionate - try not to roll my eyes - be patient'...all of this while driving. Such talent.
I finally reply with comforting words of 'you're still young - yes there is someone special out there...probably more than one - you'll fall in love - don't worry ' etc - her response?
"BUT I'M ALREADY 18!! How old were YOU mom??"
It was all I could do to suppress my laughter and stay focused on her pain?
'Well Kathryn, the first time I really fell in love was at age have plenty of time'.
It certainly wasn't WHAT she said next, but HOW SHE SAID IT that finally let loose the dam of laughter....
I SHOULD have had my feelings hurt but I couldn't seem to find that emotion through my laughter. Of course, when she realized what she had said and how she had said it, she spent the next 10 minutes trying to apologize for her words. I refused her apology as it would have meant that I could no longer freely laugh my head off.
According to some, I was 'cute as a bug' at age 19...I think I'm more disappointed by THAT description of what I thought was a very mature young WOMAN, just coming into her self and seeing a little of her hopeful future beauty surfacing after years of a severe 'plain jane' stage. Sure, I wasn't able to turn many heads but I was only wanting to turn one. If I had known at the time that I was perceived as a 'bug', I would have made every effort to not be such a 'pest'.
After much discussion of how 'her day would come' and 'not to worry about what would eventually happen at the right time', Kathryn was okay. It had been, after all, at least 10 minutes. It does most of the drama of a teenager.
It's been ME who has spent the past few hours trying to reconcile the fact that at age 19, I wasn't anything more than a very old teenager myself....experiencing all the emotions of being in love for the first time. I remember every feeling , every thought and every dream I had with that first love. I probably WAS just 'cute as a bug' - wanting so desperately to be more than that.
But that wouldn't come until years later...when that cute little bug would become a 'Lady Bug'.
For now, I have to help my 'cute little bug' realize that her 'Lady Bug' years are much further in her future - to be patient - waiting for someone to find her past her teenage years. It will happen..and when it does, she'll be glad that someone sees her for more than the pest she was.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The EYES Have It

My maiden name is Packard.
There are hundreds of us...enough of us, that when we have reunions, it gets to the point that we no longer know who everyone is. And I'm GOOD with names and faces...but after about the first 300, I don't know #301 and past!!!
But there is one similarity we all share...our eyes. 'Packard eyes.' Translates into almond shaped Japanese eyes...slanty...Most of us have dark eyes...deep brown, almost black. Those are mine. They disappear when I smile - and when I laugh? You just have to believe me when I say they're still there.
But with having over 700 of us, we do get the occasional green, blue and hazel, but we try not to count them as they come from a foreign gene (Jean)...(baha - that was for you Vicki!!)
And I am an 'eyes' person too...probably the first thing that attracts me to someone..AFTER their teeth...(I AM a dentists daughter after all...) But it's the 'eyes' that will catch my attention first.
Today, there were a combination of things said, seen and heard that made me think of the subject of 'eyes'. Of course, once the thoughts were put into my head, I started remembering.
There have been VERY few in my life, in fact, only a handful of people, that have ever had the set of eyes that have swallowed me whole. You know the ones I'm talking about?? The one's that are described in romance novels...The eyes that when you first look, you are left with only two options...1. to look away quickly and NEVER look back or..2. the eyes you look into that you can never turn away from because with that first look, you have already told them every thought and feeling you will ever have about them.
And we've all met them.... we've all seen those eyes...on someone.
Your heart is lost though when you find the one who's eyes cause you to WANT to quickly look away and never look back BUT because their eyes caught yours, you have already told them that you love them. That romance novel thing again.
It's happened to me.... And it's something you never can't.
It's mesmerizing... that's the moment you hear about in love songs... you see in chick remember in feel in your heart. Never forgotten...never lost. It's there every time you look; whether with a quick glance or with a lingering are swallowed whole.
The look that says more than anything spoken - the look that doesn't lie - the look that when caught by others, causes them to know they have witnessed a moment most private between two hearts expressed through the melting in their eyes.
So no matter what the color, whether they are 'big brown's' or as 'blue as the ocean'...whether they are as 'grey as a rainy day' or 'green with envy', no matter their shape or their size, my conclusion to the capturing of a heart???
The eyes have it.

Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent

Since one of my post a few days back, I have had several family and friends claiming they feel 'unloved' and 'insignificant' because I have not yet mentioned their names in over the two years of my blogging experience. Geez !!! And here I thought I was doing a good thing!! I get barked at by those who I do talk about and barked at by those who now feel they deserve their moment of fame in my blog. But I think I know who REALLY wants to be named and who wants to remain 'un-named'... what I will do DEBBIE is..from now on, I will put in the actual name of said person I am blogging about only if I know they will NOT object to the contents in which I am sharing information about them. But for those of whom I know will still want their privacy, I will change their names to another...thus, concealing their TRUE identity...
Problem is going to occur though when I forget who in the ****I'm writing about!!!! Did Erma Bombeck have to do this???? Did 'Dear Abby' have to protect those who asked HER advice??? of course, no -one is asking me anything...but I ask you, "Would it really be THAT bad to become famous from being mentioned in my blog???"
You know who reads this??? No-one!!! BUT you never know...maybe one day, Oprah will get her hands on this and next thing you'll see my daughter Kathryn sitting on Oprah's couch talking about how scarred she is at age 40 from having me as her mother, tell all her deep dark secrets of her teenage years!!! See...instant fame. She'll thank me later - you watch and see.
So, here's the deal...if you want your name to be changed to protect you from all possible FAME and harm, then put it on FB for me...BUT, if you want to have all the fame, glory, riches and possible notoriety that can be yours, just by having been mentioned in MY blog, BY NAME...then let me know...
you will post as have your name CHANGED post 'alias'. Otherwise, you will post 'true identity' and watch for a call from Oprah or a check in the mail.
You have ONE week to let me know on FB - get mentioned by your TRUE IDENTITY!!!!
Love to you all - and thank you for being my family and friends...past, present and future!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

When the Pain Becomes Too Much

Physical, Emotional, Spiritual, Mental, Romantic....
Why do we have to experience pain???...of ANY kind????
I know and understand that there has to be opposition in all things in order for us to appreciate each aspect of our being.
But pain?
It hurts....why does it have to hurt sooo much? Suffering? To what point? That someone wants to die??? To leave all they have here? To leave those of us who love them so deeply???
I've heard of those that have actually committed suicide so as to no longer have to suffer the physical pain they are reached the point of no longer being able to live through what was being suffered every day. Their senses become numb and their thought process loses it's ability to think clearly... and all they know is that they have to find some relief from their suffering.
I can't even imagine that....I have never experienced that kind of physical pain or any other kind of pain for that matter to that degree.
So how can I tell them it's wrong to leave me here, to love alone??? How do I tell them it's selfish of them to WANT to leave all I have to offer and all the help I have to give them??? How do I tell them that even though I can't take away all their pain, it's still worth living to be with me???? How do I tell them to FIGHT for their life when all they want is for their life to be over??? To fall asleep and just not wake up for another day of such intense pain that you and I have never had to endure...
To walk a day in their shoes...would I desire the same thing?? For it to all be over???
These are not the most feeble of men....they are strong - honorable - stalwart - good men. Of course, they are past their 'prime' and feel they have 'lived full lives' - this being in their early 50's. They have experienced much joy and sorrow along the paths of life they have chosen...they have children, they work full time jobs and wake each day with the faith and hope that they will be able to endure yet one more day of what God has asked them to endure. At the end of their day, they collapse to their beds exhausted and weary of the effort they have had to put forth, just to live through one more day in their pain.
So, I pray for them. I plead to my Heavenly Father for the relief of their pain, even if for just one moment in their day, I pray for some relief. That's all I can do.
The hardest thing for me to accept through this grueling experience is that...I have to remain still and let God be God. I have to watch without participating in the 'fixing' of the pain. I can't take it away...I can't relieve the suffering of those I love...I can't make it better...I have no power, whatsoever, to heal them. And worst of all??? My love is not enough. Just not enough.
But since it's all I can do, I love them...with all my heart. I continue to love them...trying to not ask more than they are able to give - trying to love them through their pain - giving them some sense of will to live one more day - trying to make them laugh another day - creating some joy in their lives - providing some security and a safe place to fall.
And when the time comes that they are no longer with me, I can know that they left not because they no longer WANTED to be with me, but that they no longer COULD be with me.
That won't make their being gone any better...but it will allow me to live through it a little better.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Please Take Notes.....

If you're smart, you'll write this down....
I can guarantee that if you do, you'll smile for a very long time.....

Perfect night:
dinner: smoked salmon, ribs, cole slaw and creme brulee (sp?) - by candlelight
music: Barbra Streisand's CD 'A Love Like Ours'
movie: The Notebook
talking and laughing until you can't laugh or talk any more

Past the Plateau

Finally - broke the 20 pound mark.
I've lost 21 pounds so far - started Nov.4th.
Halfway there...
Dang this is hard...much harder than when I was 20 years younger!!!
I'm going to have to buy new clothes...darn it.
And keep exercising...but I'm actually enjoying my walking -
I talk to myself the whole 30 minutes...scary...really scary.
When I finally die, I'm going to be really healthy...
and thin....

Playing the Game of Life

In no matter what game we play, there are rules, boundary lines and penalties.
Right now, there is an overlapping of sports...
We have the NFL, down to 4 teams going into playoffs this weekend to determine who will play in the Super Bowl in February. Of course, everyone has their favorite teams...some of which made the playoffs and other's of us who have to watch someone else's team go to the big dance. I'm one that is having to painfully watch another team go because my team was knocked out of the playoffs early. There is going to be only one team that wins and it won't be mine.
But every team in the NFL , whether an Indianapolis Colt or a Green Bay Packer, play by the same rules, so that at any given time, whether they are playing a regular game, or in the Super Bowl, they are always playing by the same rules.
Now change sports....
College basketball - the NCAA has hundred's of teams, all playing for the opportunity and chance to play in March Madness...then Sweet 16 - down to 8 teams...the Final Four, and then finally, the Big Dance for NCAA championship. Whether you're a North Carolina fan or a HUGE BYU JIMMER FREDETTE fan, like I am, they all play by the same set of rules, boundaries and fouls. (kind of)...anyways, the point being, the game is the same, no matter where it's played or who is playing it.
Whichever sport is chosen , the athlete has to agree to play by the set of rules made for that specific game. It's part of being an athlete. Not everyone chooses to play sports though...some decide they make better spectators or cheerleaders either feeling not capable of playing the game or afraid of possible injury, the work is too hard or not making the 'big dance'. Whether participant or spectator, sports are played year round, from season to season, just the venue game, new playing field, new rules, new boundaries and new penalties....
Everyone of us comes into this world to play the game of life. We're not given a choice. We are instantly made 'players.' And it's not even until much later in life that we either figure out which sport we're playing, on which field, with which set of rules, boundaries and penalties and especially, what team we're playing for. Sometimes, we choose to be spectators or cheerleaders but most of us, at some point in the game, choose to be an athlete.
Now...who has made the rules??? If you're a college football player, you're going to hope it isn't the BCS because you're screwed any way you look at it. But, in the game of life, who makes the rules??? And does it change from venue???
Most of us believe there is a God...that we have been 'created' and thus, we believe God makes the rules, sets the boundaries and enforces the penalties. Others choose to believe there is no God, thus, the rules to this game of life are made by man...along with the boundary lines and the penalties, all enforced by man. Sometimes, the same as the rules made by God, but most often, not.
Now, we play the game.
Which team am I playing for? Is there a playbook? Who's my coach? Is the other team playing by the same rules I am? Are the penalties the same for the same infraction? Is the game fair???
Am I even playing the same game as the other team on the field???
And yet, only ONE team is going to play in the Big's team members are countless, but did I play for the right team???? Or, did I get knocked out early in the game??? By injury, fear to play the game, infraction of the rules, penalties, boundary lines or retirement???
Did I play fair? Did I play by the rules??? Did I listen to the coach? Was I a key player or just a spectator??? Sidelined? Switch teams? traded? change the rules?
There could be total chaos in this game of life if there were not something 'consistent' in the playing of the game.
The consistents are...rules, boundaries and penalties.
They just have to be agreed upon before the game starts....
In parenting, I have learned, through hard experience, that the rules have to be established early in the game; that the boundary lines have to be clearly marked and then the penalties are equal to the infraction and are the same for everyone. The game doesn't change in the 3rd quarter if the player decides they don't want to play football anymore, but instead, they want to play basketball. They have to finish the game they started; one way or another, before they can start the next sport with a new set of rules.
But the playing field has to be fair - equal - jointly agreed upon. There has to be a coach, a playbook - safety in the game - protection of the players, referees and all can be winners.

Okay - enough of the scenario - I could hash this to death - not necessary - the concept is there...not just in parenting, but in all areas of life...
work, love, friendship, parenting etc....
rules have to be established - boundaries set and penalties/consequences enforced - or blessings received from playing the game .
And we can all end up winners of the game. Some of us will retire earlier than others...some of us will come out with injuries; life long injuries. Some of us will have scars, concussions, and decide to not pick up another sport - just become spectators. Many of us will throw touchdowns, catch the game winning pass, hit the game winning 3 point shot, steal passes or hit home runs. There will be the occasional dropped ball, strike out or intentional foul made...illegal use of hands, horse collar and face mask. Some of us will get blind sided in mid air and come down hard...but most of us will be celebrating in the end zone, cutting down the net or crossing over home plate.
And hopefully, each of us has a cheerleader standing on the sideline or inside our wall, never giving up on the game we are playing.....
Bottom line to this game of life????
Play fair - play by the rules - stay in the boundary lines - and have as few penalties as you can get away with..
But...the game doesn't end until the clock runs out of time...for any's the play until the game is done.

Friday, January 21, 2011

How to Help???

How can a heart be so torn apart and need so much from me and I don't know how I can help???
I think I know what to say, what to do, how to comfort and how to love, but...
I'm not helping at all.....
I wonder if stepping back completely is the best thing to do...but I can't.
I'm addicted to helping...
I'm addicted to loving...
I've promised....
I can't give up....
there IS happiness so close I can taste it -
I can see it...
I can feel it..
I can almost touch it....
but always just THAT much out of my reach...
Last night? Within my grasp - so content - so completely wonderful -
tonight? lost - my grasp can't reach far enough to recapture the heart...
But I've promised to NEVER give up...
I can't....
you can't stop loving with all your heart just because the heart has been wounded...
my love is unconditioned...
under ANY circumstances...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Why am I sooo Happy???

Because I have no reason not to be.....

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

'Such a Girl'

I recognize God's sense of humor when I notice the significant differences in men and women and the fact that we are somehow supposed to mesh our lives together 'as one'. Well, if He wanted us to do THAT, why didn't He make us more alike so we would get along better????
And then to make it even more difficult, you have people in the world, who when they see feminine traits in their male friends, either call them 'gay' or 'queer' stating only 'macho' or manly' behavior as acceptable. And from females, acceptable behavior being only that of soft, demure, tender and nurturing...along with a million other pink, frilly and fuzzy words that when combined could make the best of a feline gag on the hairball.
My friend is a guy..duh... as manly as any other man out there...but he a girl. In fact, when he cries, he inevitably apologizes to me by saying...'I'm such a girl'. It makes me smile...every time he says it. Because when he does it, it makes him even more the man in my eyes. He doesn't just have emotions, he FEELS things...and because he feels, he allows himself to love. And because he loves, he allows himself to be hurt. Then, he protects himself from the hurt by putting up a wall that then no longer allows himself to...feel. To me, it explains why men try so desperately not to feel.... Of all of my dear friend's wonderful traits, it is probably this one, most of all, that I find the most endearing; the fact that he FEELS and LOVES, supposedly like 'a girl'.
Jordan has never been what most would call a MANLY man. He never did the big sports thing growing up; he grew up with two sisters that he loved and one sister, Kylie, that was his best friend. He was tender, and loving, and kind and sensitive to her...he talked to her, loved her and expressed himself freely with her. Girly? NO, but certainly different than his other friends.
I had watched him over the past few days interacting with us, his family, and I noticed that he was the usual nervous, but he was also, what appeared to me, to be desperately clinging onto what he had always found as 'familiar'. He was playful with Kylie - teasing, laughing, joking, talking, and trying to be as relaxed as a 'groom to be' could be. He was emotional too...I could see his feelings - very near the surface - very guarded as if they would spill out at any moment.
On Saturday, in the temple, I watched Jordan kneeling across from his beautiful bride Lexi and as the sealing words were spoken, I watched his eyes well up with tears. I watched his feelings express themselves to the woman he loved... I was so grateful that he was able to feel...not just have emotions, but to truly 'feel'.
But it wasn't until after the ceremony, when we were outside the temple having pictures taken, that it brought me back to my friend....Two of Jordan's friends came up to him and started teasing him about 'crying' in the temple. One of them punched Jordan in the arm and said..'You're such a girl'.
I smiled to myself, welled up a tear of my own and knew that as long as my son could cry, he would be the best of men.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Self Reliance

I share a lot of things with a lot of people -
but not everything..
There are some things that I choose to only tell one - or two people, hoping that they will be enough to see me through the moment.
Sadly though, I'm learning that I need to help myself - be more self reliant...otherwise, I'm disappointed by the unmet expectation of hoping someone else needs me as much as I need them.
I guess it ultimately makes me stronger....

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Family Outcast

Don't get me wrong - I love Utah, unlike the rest of my family. Kylie and Kathryn were moaning and groaning the 2-3 days before the trip, all DURING the trip and then I'm pretty sure they could have easily dropped and kissed the Texas ground when they landed if they hadn't of been in such a hurry to get home. Both girls got cold sores the day we left Texas and had them the whole time in Utah from the stress of the trip. They hate the Utah cold - the Utah hypocrites (Mormon's) , all the billboards on the freeway, the Utah construction and most of the attitude of LDS people who live in Utah. They wouldn't move back to Utah for any amount of money.
Now me??? I'm on a lot of the same pages of the book they're reading BUT I happen to love the cold - I love having 4 seasons - beautiful yards and landscaping - a garden - and I love most of the people in Utah, although I am seeing an attitude of 'holier than thou judgemental' behavior in many of the people I know. I can see where it would not be a place where people who make mistakes would feel welcome or accepted. But I would return here...just distance myself a little from those who tend to not make me feel loved and accepted. I hope I'm not like that. I hope I'm more of one who would love unconditionally and accept people for who they are and what they have to contribute to the world. I would hope I would be one who would be able to love anyone and everyone because they are worth it.
PLUS, I am THE biggest BYU fan ever - I love BYU sports...I would love to be back there in the middle of it all again. I just love sports area in my life that kind of gives me an escape from 'reality'.
Anyways, just some thoughts...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I Left Myself Hanging

The past three months, I have probably given more of myself, my emotions, my time and energies, my heart, my unconditional love and my whole being to my family and those that I dearly love, than at any other time in my life.
And especially after this past week of giving the last of all I had, I realized today, that when I need a lot of strength and support for some personal needs this week, I left nothing for myself...I left myself???... Lifeless.
Not very good planning on my part...

Jordan and Lexi's Wedding Day

There are hundred's of pictures and I haven't had any time to go through any of them, so I just picked 5 really quickly to put with this post, but needless to say, I will be posting more and more over the coming days...
Well, my son is married. Yesterday was a lovely day - cold, but still pretty. The morning was spent in getting ready and trying to keep Jordan calm and level headed...non of which went well. Jordan had been dazed for two days and that morning was no different. He came and was visiting with me and Kylie - telling us how Lexi is a snuggler and he's nervous that he's NOT a snuggler...we laughed for hours and just had a good time. Kylie helped him with his hair and then he went and got dressed in his suit. He looked really handsome and I found myself getting a little teary as I watched him shuffle from side to side trying to keep busy. I wanted to hug him to calm his nerves but knew he was not in a hugging mood, so I left him to his shuffling. He left to go pick up Lexi shortly after.
The rest of us drove to the temple in plenty of time to get Kathryn situated in the waiting area with Preston, greet a few guests and then I was invited to go in and help Lexi dress in to her temple robes. Her escort wasn't there, so I calmly took over the role and was glad to spend a few quiet moments with my future daughter in law. I realized at that moment how very little I know about Lexi, having only met her once before that day. But I watched her as she absorbed most of what was happening and quietly discussed with her some of the significant events that were going to happen within the hour. Then, I was taken into the sealing room where I waited with all the other invited guests...grateful for family and special friends that had come to share in Jordan and Lexi's special day.
Daddy did a nice sealing ceremony - I found my mind wandering a little...away from what was happening in the room and thought about some significant people in my life that WEREN'T there. I was sad...but then refocused on the events at hand...After the sealing, I helped Lexi remove her robes and then was able to escort her to another room where her mother had been given permission to help Lexi dress in her wedding dress. I ended up helping also and after about 30 minutes, Lexi was able to join with Jordan and go outside and greet all of their guests who were waiting outside the temple.
It was at around this point that I kind of just went numb to the remaining events of the day. Pictures were taken for about an hour - and it was cold to most - about 30'. I didn't feel the cold.
But of course, I didn't feel much of anything. I was busy trying to keep peace between Lexi's two sides of her divorced family - making sure mom and dad stayed out of each other's way and that no-one was offended over anything. There was only about an hour break before we needed to be over at the reception center so we went back to Lon's home where several of us had a quick something to eat, thaw out and then head over to the BYU Skyroom.
Everything was decorated beautifully - Jordan and Lexi looked great and we had about 105 total guests for a nice dinner and reception. A little drama with not even tables being set as we had a few more people show up than invited...and Lexi's mom not wanting to sit at the head table with the other parents and grand parents...but overall, when the night was over, I was pleased with the result of the day's events....
After Jordan and Lexi left for their honeymoon, we left about 30 minutes later and went to Lon and Loraine's home where we stayed up late in to the evening visiting with family before finally crashing after 1:00 a.m.
I was up most of the night though...couldn't sleep...thinking of Jordan being married.
A child's wedding day is always one that gives a parent much thought and contemplation of memories of the past.
Jordan was a great kid; fun to raise - always made me laugh...a good son. I will miss him. I'm not going to fool myself that it will be the same, because it won't. Lexi is his life now, as it should be. I will miss being the one he calls to talk to...I will miss being the one he laughs with - he's sad with and who he asks advice's Lexi now.
I wish them much joy and happiness...

Friday, January 14, 2011

Calm Before the Storm???

I had spent over an hour trying to get him to
fall asleep.
The girls were playing on the bed with preston.

Telling Preston a story....

Little Indiana Jones.... My Little Buckaroo!!!!

Once Del and Michael arrived, the fun began.

A family dinner at Rebecca's house.

Preston and Uncle jordan meet.
Kathryn glad to have her daddy here.

The CD arrives...better late than never???
Prestons first orange....
Relaxing with cousin Trevor...
So everyone has finally arrived...things haven't quite gone as planned BUT we're still hoping for a successful ending. Del and Michael arrived on time and even early. We were then to go over to Rebecca's house where we would meet up with Jordan, Lexi and Lexi's family for a sort of 'meet and greet the family' type dinner. Everyone came except for Lexi and her family. Details aren't important but to say that there are some tense moments and feelings ahead would be an understatement...Lexi's mother may be a little 'needy' right now...and she is demanding Lexi's time and attention when others are also. Oh well...not my problem, but I do feel bad for Jordan. He's trying to make it all work. Such a lot of juggling for him to do....
Tonight has been a little better here at the Lott's...more relaxing...Jordan here with his family, but not talking much - a little zoned out....big day tomorrow.
So how will tomorrow go???
Weather is supposed to be a little overcast and stormy...we'll see if that ends up the omen for the day....
Lot's of praying....

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Work, Play and Pampering the Girls

The girls played Wii with Lon and Lorraine last night and had a blast.
Then today, we went over to Rebecca's and did some last wedding stuff - the picture frames and the dying of rock salt purple for the center pieces. Then the girls both had their hair colored and cut from Diana, our Utah hair stylist and both girls got bangs and Kathryn went real blond and Kylie went brown...both girls look fantastic, even with their horrendous cold sores!!! Diana shaped up my hair also, but nothing drastic. We caught up on some of our Utah friends and the ward gossip before going out to The Pizza Factory for dinner....then here to Lon and Lorraine's where I plan on staying the rest of the night with a good book. The girls have gone down stairs to try and play Wii on their own...
Del, Michael, Lexi and Jordan all arrive tomorrow. We will have a busy tomorrow getting last minute things done and then meeting family and friends tomorrow night before the big day Saturday. Of course, my friend Charlie has arrived today, a week earlier than expected and so I am both emotional and tired, not a good combination for the weekend of my son's wedding. I will be taking slow, deep breaths for the next few days to make sure I stay calm and collected throughout all the upcoming events. I don't want anything ruined because of my lack of sleep or unexpected visitor....can't be about me....

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Something in the Utah Air

Being away from Texas is making me do things I wouldn't normally do -
So, I had to document them so I would have proof when I told my husband that I actually ate...
COOKED CARROTS!!! Yes, you read that right....
I hate cooked carrots.... always have and probably always will. But these?? Were actually okay - sliced, buttered and salted with sea salt. And I ate them....picture proves it.
I started the day with Kylie coloring my hair - I'm back to no gray and auburn color. Then play time with Preston before going over to Rebecca's so Preston could meet his great grandpa and grandma - Rebecca and I did some wedding plans - spray painting some picture frames and then we played games for a few hours before returning here to Lon and Loraines home for dinner and rest. I had a phone conversation with the bride and groom to be and then went down stairs where is appears we will be having a fun night of Wii going on.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Leaving, on a Jet Plane...

We're in Utah...
the plane left about an hour late as it was about an hour late arriving from Pittsburgh in the first place. So we just chilled at the airport in Dallas until it was time to board. Then, once on our way, we made really good time, cutting off about 45 minutes being behind. Preston slept the whole trip - I tried to...I always wear scrubs when I make up and usually flip flops. I was in usual form except the snow eliminated the comfort of the flip flops. Other than that though, the trip was normal - I picked up the rental car, we went quickly to visit my mother before going over to my sister Rebecca's and then stopped at a taco place for a quick bite to eat before going back to Becca's to watch the BYU basketball game. Another win for the Cougars....
Now, we are over at Del's brothers home in Alpine, where we will be staying the next 6 days of our trip...Kylie is nursing Preston in the other room, Kathryn is downstairs reading in her room before going to bed and I am finishing up here before hitting the sack myself.
Weird being in Utah again...not like last summer. I'm feeling a little connection here this time...going to go visit some friends tomorrow and drive by some familiar places. Then I have some wedding things to do with Rebecca for the next few days. Going to keep taking pictures of our comings and goings and try to blog every day....mainly want to try and express some of my emotions and feelings as the big day gets closer.

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's My Birthday

I'm 51 today...
birthday wishes from family and friends....
feeling a few mixed emotions....
hard to explain the hole in my heart...
good year to work on healing it.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Our First Snow of the Season

Weeks ago, a friend of mine in Utah sent me a picture of a days snowfall in Orem. It was a lot.
Today, Texas got dumped on - and this is what we had in an hour. I took these pictures thinking I would give my friend some competition. In looking at his picture and then looking at my pictures, Utah had about 8-10 inches more than we did...Oh well...but ours was good.
There were several accidents on the way to church and we stopped and helped one couple but we weren't able to get them completely out, so we loaded them up, and their dog, and took them to their destination. No inconvenience, just something nice to do. Church was cancelled after sacrament meeting so we came home and actually had what I would call, a 'day of rest'.
Now, I'm tired of resting...

Friday, January 7, 2011

Kathryn Turns 18

Well, my baby turned 18 today. I remember when she was born - my only c-section - emergency. Not a real pleasant experience because it wasn't what I had planned for...but, things have turned out better than I could have wished most areas.
So, I took her and Kylie out to lunch today and then tonight, Del and I took the girls out to dinner to celebrate the birthday again. We went to the movies beforehand - 'The Tourist' with Johnny Depp, my new man crush. Such a good movie...really enjoyed it. It was my second time seeing it.
Then we gave Kathryn her birthday present - or really, she CHOSE her gift from three different options we gave her.
1- $200 cash 2 - 1 hour ride in a private plane, possibly doing the actual flying - or 3- sky diving...
She chose the sky diving. I knew she would. She's crazy like that. Jordan chose that at age 18 also. So Del will go with her when the weather gets a little warmer...
So, a very happy birthday to my baby dolly.
Hope she knows how much I love her...