Pocatello Idaho

 

It was only a two hour drive from Wyoming down to Pocatello Idaho, where we were picking up Del's brother Brian in Blackfoot and then driving down to Pocatello to help pick up, clean up some of their dad's things at Darlene's house.  Darlene is suffering from cancer and her days are literally numbered.  ALTHOUGH she looked and acted much better than I anticipated from the conversations I had had with Del.  He calls her weekly and apparently she has both good and bad weeks/days, but mostly bad lately.  The boys did quite a bit of work and then we took Darlene out to lunch before she had an appointment with Hospice, of which they were signing her up to start that day.  Darlene has been a pure delight to our Lott family and was perfect for Delbert after his divorce from Shirley.  She will truly be missed when she passes from this life.

Before leaving Pocatello, we drove up to see the brand new Pocatello Idaho temple, of which, for 18 years, we paid our tithes and offerings towards.  It is beautiful.  To think if we had stayed, a temple would be only 5 minutes away from us.  But we both enjoyed the beauty of the temple as we left Idaho.  We also talked about the inevitability that we had seen Darlene for probably the last time, in this life.

On the drive to Utah, our discussion once again turned to some interesting topics of Del's childhood.  He shared some memories and experiences that he has never shared with anyone else - and some tender feelings he had with both his mom and dad at their passing.  It was such a tender bonding moment for the both of us.  So grateful we had it.

Afton Wyoming

 

Last month, Del and I took about a 10 day trip through some different states, to accomplish several commitments we had made to both sides of our families.  It was a trip to remember , for sure, and we had the best time in each place we went.

The first leg was to Afton Wyoming to stay a few days with my cousin Chad and his wife, Bethany.  They moved there a few years ago and have built a beautiful bunkhouse, that will be used as an air BandB.  They have also started their over 8000 sq ft home they will live in once it is finished. They have also bought 3 of the store properties in downtown Afton, where they are in the process of making one, a frozen yogurt/pastry shop, two, a Wyoming country store with high end shirts, bags, and accessories for sale, and then the last, will be a 3 bedroom Air B and B hotel type place to rent out.  All of it is gorgeous!!  

The weather was to die for, which I knew would be the hardest part of this whole trip.  I was HATING Texas weather in the month of August and September - just SOOO HOT.  But everywhere we went on our trip was in the high 70's low 80's and perfect.  Afton has a temple there also - and I have other cousins that have moved out there also - Wendee and Scott - went to their place too.  Another cousin, Owen, and his wife Aimee (with cancer), came up to Chad's for a day, and so we were able to visit and play games with them also.  The whole stay was just so enchanting - along with their pleadings and begging for us to move up there by them, made it very difficult for me to leave happy.  And I knew it would get harder and harder as the trip went along too - as we would be seeing Idaho AND Utah.

The 2 day drive to Wyoming was a life changer for me.  Lately, my private time spent with Del has been the best.  Our discussions have been gospel filled, awe inspiring and full of love for me.  He was telling me of some sacred experiences he has been having and then was encouraging me to make some changes in my life that I would want to make in order to be able to experience miracles that I was desiring.  He has always been an early morning scripture reading, gospel studying prayerfully seeking miracle kind of guy.  I am NOT a morning person.  I'm not even a faithful scripture reader.  But I am now.  I made the commitment right then and there, in his truck and during our first day discussion, that I was going to make the change from that day forward.  Getting out of bed and immediately dropping to my knees has been a hard habit to start.  It doesn't come naturally for me until now, with a new and different perspective as to WHY I'm doing it and to WHOM I am talking has made a world of difference.  I have changed my mindset of talking to a Heavenly Father that I have no relationship with to now, looking forward to discussing with Him, my desires and plans for the day - my goals for the day - things I want to do and be better at - ask for His help, and then report to Him at the end of the day how things went. It has been so enlightening to see and feel a difference in how I FEEL about Him now.  I think and turn to Him more often during my day, just to confirm what I am doing and being able to maintain the communication with Him in my choices.  I'm more joyful in my day - happier in my circumstances and try to appreciate what I DO have instead of wishing for something different or better.  It truly was and has been, the beginning of a new part of my life.

So grateful for Del, who has always been the perfect example for me and patient enough to wait for the 40 years it has taken to see some desired changes in his wife - me.  All without making me feel inferior, insufficient, lazy or lacking in any way.  Only done with love and encouragement - and promises of miracles to come.  Truly a blessing.

Emotionally Flatlined

 It's been happening for a few months now.  Highs....lows....highs....more lows.  There's a list of symptoms that have been increasing over time;

tired - almost always

forgetfulness

foggy brain

no desires for anything that takes extra work

But here's the biggy.  A few weeks ago, I was asked to play the piano for two baptisms over in Frisco at the legacy building.  I've been there maybe 6-8 times over the 20 years I've lived in Texas.  I got there fine, but decided to stop at the store on the way home.  I stopped, purchased my few items, and then got back on what I thought was the main road.  Within 10, then 15, then 20 minutes or so, I realized I was lost.  I had no idea WHERE I was,  HOW I got there or WHAT to do at that point.  I panicked and got an overwhelming feeling of anxiety flood over me.  I cried.  I didn't know how to function any longer and so pulled over into the parking lot of a church and called Del.  

Del could tell I was lost.  It took minutes, but he was finally able to calm me down enough that I could read him the street names I was on and he was able to get me to a familiar street to where I could finally get myself home.  It was a very unsettling hour for me and took me another hour or so at home, alone in my room, to get myself put back together.

This week, on Wednesday, I went to the Dollar Store to buy a few things that I needed for a project I'm doing.  I bought my items and then went to my car and got in.  I fastened seat belt and then attempted to start the car.  The key wouldn't turn over.  I tried over and over again - even slipped in a plea to Heavenly Father once or twice for additional help, but the key would not turn.  It was getting a little hot in the car, so I opened my door, and as I did so, a lady stepped out of the store and yelled over at me, 'Ma'm - what are you doing in my car?'  My heart dropped to my feet and my blood literally FROZE in my veins!!  I quickly tried to take in all my surroundings, panicking that I wasn't seeing anything familiar to me.  Same car, make and model, but not mine.  I must have looked petrified because when I began crying out my apologies and tried to get out of the car, she came closer and asked if I was okay.  Over and over I said I was sorry.  She finally said it was okay and went back into the store.  I went to my car, got in, started it, but sat there another 20 minutes or so crying.  I wasn't sure I could even drive home.

Kathryn saw my tears and forced me to tell her what happened.  I didn't share with anyone else except the doctor when I went on Thursday.  Thank heavens it was time for my blood draw to test my hormone levels and improvements. if any, to refill my prescriptions.  Yesterday, I was called with the results.  I had indeed, improved in some areas, like I'm no longer pre-diabetic - my sugar levels were good BUT...the bad news?  I am what Del called HORMONALLY BANKRUPT.  I am depleted of about 4-5 major hormones in my body.  And these just happen to be the hormones that control my thinking, moods, emotions, memory etc.  I expressed to the nurse, that honestly, I really don't mind being slightly 'emotionally flatlined' - meaning, I don't get overly excited over anything, but I also don't get majorly depressed or sad.  I'm just flat lined.  It's almost how I need to handle life right now with everything.  But the doctor feels we need to take a deeper look into why I can't handle certain situations, but immediately shut down and stop functioning.  

A PHYSC evaluation.  That's what I'm scheduled for.  A PHYSC evaluation.  I think you give me an extra 4 hours of sleep a day, relieve me of a few obligations, have some stress taken off me and let me have some peace and I would be good to go.  But since that doesn't appear to be happening anytime in my near future, we're going to try and figure something else out.

So.  Stay tuned.  My next big project could end up being padding the walls of my bedroom...just for precautions sake.

Long Live the Queen

 After serving as Her Majesty, Queen of England for just over 70 years, Queen Elizabeth II has died at the age of 96.  

Queen Elizabeth was truly. the epitome of grace, elegance, integrity and all things good of not just a queen, but of a woman.  She was the queen for most of my mother's life and was only 5 years older than my mother.  She was my father's age.

Now, at her passing, Her oldest son, Charles, Prince of Wales, becomes King Charles the III.  His first wife, Diana, would have been queen, but died in a car accident 25 years ago.  But her oldest son, William, who  is now the Prince of Wales, will be king after his father Charles either dies, or steps aside.

But as of now, we say 'Long Live the King'.

Off the Top of My Head

 No pictures or captions to post this time because there are sooo many subjects and topics I'm going to hit here.

First of all; it's been almost a month since I have posted.  It's been hot; incredibly hot during the past 3-4 weeks.  Too hot to even go outside and enjoy being out of the house.  That's so disappointing to me.  I hate living somewhere that I have to stay in the house all day to be comfortable.  It tends to give me anxiety and depression.  Because of the heat, we have lost the remaining part of our garden and now Del has replanted - corn - hoping that something will work for a winter garden.  I guess it would anywhere there is a winter, but I'm not holding my breath for Texas.  

The 5 year shake up happened a few weeks ago.  You know - when it's time to realign the ward boundaries of two wards to give to two other wards and our ward needs a new Bishopric.  Our dear friend Brandon Burton was called as our new Bishop (best man) - and his counselors are wonderful too - with one of the them being our YW Presidents husband- meaning she was released also.  So our YW first counselor, Leslie Anderson was called as the new President and I will work with her and the Laurels.  We got a new RS presidency and will get a new Elders Quorum presidency probably next week.  Del was released from the EQ presidency as was called to be on the high council in the stake.  Slight disappointment, as he LOVES working hands on with members of the ward, but he just figures the Lord wants him to take his message throughout the stake.  I'm still on the organ too - going into my 8th year.

My body is falling apart.  I ache from head to toe almost all the time - arthritis in my knees and shoulders - and my neck has been hurting since my trip to Mexico in March when I kinked it while zip lining.  I have to go get it seen this next week to see what's going on.  I have gained 3-4 pounds back from March and feel sluggish so I am trying to get THAT back off.  We have had Covid through the house again, mainly with Kathryn and Ammon and it just seems like someone is sick all the time around here.  My emotions and anxiety have been at an all time high - Saturday, after playing at a baptism, I got lost coming home.  Didn't recognize where I was, how I got there or how to get out of it.  I called Del crying as I completely fell apart.  It's happening more often and so I'm finding myself turning more and more into a recluse, just staying in the safety and comfort of my home.

But not able to do that at the end of this week.  I committed us to a vacation/trip to Wyoming to visit Chad and Bethany, then Del's step mom Darlene and then on down to be at Becca and Lance's home, and what will then be my mom's home too.  We will be helping her move in the last of her stuff while we are there.  I made the plans so many months ago, and now as the time approaches, all I want to do is stay home and watch the BYU football games on TV and not interact with anyone.  I know I will be happy I went AFTER the fact.  It's just right now, the trip looks to be long driving and sleepless nights in hotels and someone else's bed.  And I REALLY hate having to be social right now - carrying on conversations and entertaining people in those conversations.  I'm SO anti-social right now.

A few weeks ago, my mother asked me to call her.  It was because she had no-one else to talk to.  I realized that, but I didn't allow her to know that I knew that was the reason. Elaine is her lifeline, but Elaine was on a 3 week vacation with her husband.  Becca has been completely overloaded with Lance's needs and being RS president.  Jennifer is babysitting grandchildren and can't go see mom.  JD and Tiffany have left for Peru on their mission - and so mom needed me.  I took advantage of the situation and totally comforted her and gave her the confidence she needed to make it through some situations she was being faced with .  My mother is British - sooo British - stiff upper lip, independent, self reliant and no tears from her over the years I was growing up.  Now, since she has lost daddy and gotten older, she has become a whole different person.  She is extremely vulnerable, confused, insecure and needy, in a good way.  For the first time, she is actually needing her children for comfort, support, advice and love.  She cried.  I probably saw my mom cry maybe 2-3 times in my life - I told her it was nice to hear her FEEL emotions - express those emotions through tears.  I told her I truly felt that our phone conversation was a spiritual experience that I thanked her for allowing me to have with her.  I was glad to be the one who was able to help her THAT day.  It was very tender for me. I don't know how much longer I'll have my mother here on earth - not long I think. So I need a few more memories with her. - Next week will be nice to be with her.

My son in law lost his job recently, had 3 weeks off before he found another great job.  The three weeks he didn't work, he of course took care of Peyton.  A two edged sword - I loved the time off coming and going as I pleased, but I missed my daily minute to minute interaction with Peyton.  Ammon's new job has different hours and days - it's now 5 consecutive days, 9:00- 5:00 and I'm exhausted by the increase in hours and to ending later in the day.  I can't believe that those little changes have affected me so much.  Plus, Ammon and Kathryn have literally been sick for what seems like 3 weeks now.  It causes for a heavy tired feeling with everyone.  I'm surprised I haven't come down with Covid.

Okay.  I'm done.  Tired of being so negative and anxious.  I'm sooo glad we're going into the Fall and I have the NFL and BYU football to lift my spirits.  Plus, the Texas weather HAS TO CHANGE AT SOME POINT in this year.  It CAN'T be over a 100 degrees the rest of the year.  I sooo want to move back to Utah.  Don't get me started.

D&C 121-123 'O God, Where Art Thou?...'

 

It was from here that Joseph Smith made his plea to the Lord for the suffering saints.

This is Liberty Jail - a replica of where Joseph Smith and others were held for over 4 months .

'O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?  How long shall thy hand be stayed, and thine eye, yea, thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?  Yea, O Lord, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them'....

Joseph Smith's pleadings continue for a few more versus on behalf of himself and his fellow saints, that are truly being persecuted by others.  But it's not so much Joseph's pleading to the Lord, although earnest and desperate, that have me so moved by these versus.  It's the Lord's reply to JS that has me inspired and touched - 

'My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high;,,,thou are not yet as JOB; ...'  Then it continues for another section until we come to sec 122: vs 5-9 where the Lord tells JS that all his trials, perils and travails shall give him experience and be for his good.  Then the Lord ends with this profound question for Joseph Smith..

   'The Son of Man hath descended below them all.  Art thou greater then he?'

Art thou greater than he?  Humbling question, wouldn't you think?  Like 'who are YOU to complain to me?'  But He knows that the saints and prophets are suffering as He gives this last verse of counsel..

   'Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass.  Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.'

As the tour guide at Liberty Jail quoted these verses , I was taken back at the response the Lord gave Joseph Smith, in that, Joseph was not going to die any sooner or later than he was predicted to die by the Lord.  The Lord had things under control, and nothing man could do would change the results of Joseph's life. And that is how the Lord is with his saints, his righteous followers, his children.  He has things happen according to plan - HIS plan.

And for this, I am truly grateful.  It is comforting to know that HE knows it all - and is in charge.  I just need to follow Him - obey Him and accept his son's atonement.  

Liberty Jail.  The picture says it all.

Painting: My Escape

 I'm not artistic AT ALL.  But I can follow directions.

I started about 10 years ago, going to a place called Painting With a Twist.  It's where an art instructor will be up at the front of the room, and while he/she paints, we do likewise on our own canvas at our table.  I don't have to come up with WHAT I want to paint, , I just have to paint what the artist paints.  And that's what I love.

Then I took Lexi with me one time, and NOW she likes to paint too.  But we go to Denton Library to do those paintings and they are free!  We've done two of those so far, with this lighthouse being just this past week.  I have soo much fun with her - we're both so relaxed and love to laugh and joke and not be perfectionists, even though Lexi is VERY good at the details in the picture.  Me?  Not so much.

The painting at the top, I did just this past Saturday.  I went on my own.  I find it VERY therapeutic and calming for me.  It's when I'm by myself that I tend to want it a little more perfect.  if you look closely, you can see the flaws and mistakes.  But that's why when I get home, I usually have Del look at my painting from WAYYY across the room.  He loves them at that distance!!

The more of them I do, the more I like what I'm doing.  I can tell I'm starting to get a few techniques down and not just having to completely follow the instructor, but I rarely go out on my own.  I don't have near the education or imagination to do much of that yet.

But maybe one day.