It's almost 10:30 at night and time for me to go to bed. But I can't do that until I take the opportunity to thank my Heavenly Father for a tremendous learning experience tonight.
Three hours ago, I had such anger, frustration and complete lack of kindness in my heart. The experience left me with such emptiness and remorse that I now share the gratitude I have for the Lord's kind mercy upon me.
I didn't want to go to the Ward Primary Easter Egg Hunt and Activity. I wanted to just stay home and have private and relaxing time. But between Lexi, Kathryn and Del, I was convinced to go and help Del with the ice cream machine that was being loaned out for the activity. I drove over with Del.
As we approached the park, I felt such an overwhelming feeling of anxiety and stress. I just wasn't in the mood to socialize or even be out and seen by ward members that I was going to have to pretend I was glad to see. We were told the location of where the ice cream machine was, so we made our way over , crossing over rocks and bushes etc. I was NOT wanting to go all the way around the long way to take the path to the machine, so I decided I would take a short cut up a SMALL wall of rocks, and as Del approached where I was, I asked him to please help me up by taking his strength and completely helping me up to the top of the wall. When i grabbed his hands and arms, he didn't give resistance and was waiting for me to use some o my leg strength to lift myself up. BUT I HAVE NO LEG STRENGTH - and so ended up falling to my right knee and both my feet that were only protected by flip flops - which was no protection at all. I was scraped up and bruised - AND MAD!!! I looked at Del in disbelief that he hadn't pulled me up, but left me to my own abilities, which were none. That set the mood for the next two hours.
We spent the next two hours dealing with rude, impatient and very self indulging people who wanted ice cream, more than one topping, asked for more - behavior that I have little to NO tolerance for. Thee were even some minority kids that were in line that I knew weren't from our ward, in line to get ice cream. I asked them who they were and they said they lived there in the hood - and they wanted ice cream. I was mean - told them it was a private party and they hadn't been invited. Del said it was fine to give them ice cream. I was annoyed at their sense of entitlement. Like it was no big deal to show up somewhere and ask for what was being given to invited guests. And they wanted it all - including seconds, sprinkles, chocolate and caramel - all of it. They didn't want to do without. I was SO indifferent to them as I handed them their cups of ice cream.
Then, it gets worse. About ten minutes later, they come back for more - AND BROUGHT FRIENDS FROM THE HOOD. Not happening - I even glared at them - but they stood their ground and Del served them up. I think I was fuming at this point. As some of the youth in the ward, who shouldn't have even been there because it was for the Primary children, then came up for seconds, I firmly told them there were no seconds - not enough for seconds - They grumbled and left.
Two hours later, and almost out of ice cream, it was time to leave. As Del and I turned over the machines to their owner and began to walk to our truck, I saw the youth from the ward quickly dash up to the ice cream machine and start to empty it to the very last drop. I was done.
Venom. Consumed me. I couldn't even speak. I was so angry I had gone to the event. I was so overwhelmed with feelings of total venom. I finally expressed to Del that I was so sorry I had gone and so angry at the whole evenings events and happenings. He casually said I needed to let it go. I realized how grateful I was that I was no longer in that business to where I had to experience the carnal desires and wants of people who are entitled - privelidged - demanding -
I came home and for about 30 minutes, I let off steam. I did the dishes - I cleaned my room - folded clothes and kept myself busy. Then, I felt my body melting into humility. I took a shower - and as I stood there in the shower, I allowed the hot water to completely wash down my body as I asked the Lord to remove the hate and venom that had overtaken my body. I asked for forgiveness for my unkind thoughts, my unkind actions and my unkind words. I literally wanted it washed away from my body and mind.
I felt remorse. I felt shock and disappointment at how quickly my persona became someone I haven't seen in a VERY long time. And how easily I had allowed it to happen. I had become someone that I have worked a very long time, at setting aside to a different time and place in my life. But it reared it's ugly head today. So disappointing.
Tonight, Del asked me to offer the prayer. And as I knelt with him at the side of our bed, I thanked Heavenly Father for softening my heart. I thanked Him for His patience with me and kindness in allowing me to repent. I was so grateful for His eternal plan that allows me to feel remorse and desires to do and be better.
Not a fun experience to have to share, but one that I felt was important to acknowledge and grow from. Always needing to be a better me.
No comments:
Post a Comment