Sunday, February 27, 2011

I Don't Have all the Answers

To all of the questions asked of me this past week...
I can't count how many times I had to answer
'I don't know'...
or 'I have no idea'...
or 'it's private'...so I wouldn't have to answer.
So many questions asked... Not enough answers to give.
I guess I better start figuring out some answers.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Finally Getting What He Deserves

If you follow my blog, you know that Del has been with EDS and now Hewlett/Packard for just over 7 years now. He has worked hard and been paid little - or at least, not enough - or at least, not what he's worth.
That has all changed as of this week. Del gave his 2 week notice on Monday to HP and his last day will be March 4th. Then he will start his new job on Monday the 7th. He doesn't want me to say yet where he will be as he wants to wait until he actually starts the job, but we faxed over his accepted offer and contract yesterday and things are a 'GO'. I am so excited for him.
So...now Del has agreed that I can stay home and be Kathryn's mom until I take her up to school in April and then when I get back? I can look for a job then. Whoot whoot!!!
I love being home...and doing all the things I have started doing on the side...some hobbies..some bucket list items and some other dreams I have wanted to fulfill over the past 30 years. It's been a great time for me..and now will be even better with another 8 weeks to enjoy. I'm hoping to get a few more things started so that when I DO go back to work, they will flow a little more easily with less time to devote to them...all of this will make more sense the further involved I get...
Anyways...Congratulations to Del!!! Job promotion - well done - well deserved.

The Sick and Afflicted

I had tons of plans today - appts - lunch with my sister - errands etc...
But nope - all of it cancelled and I'm tending to the sick at my house.
Poor Kathryn just isn't getting better - sore throat, body aches and stuffy nose.
So, it's now laundry, reading, blogging, dr.'s appt and cleaning house for me today.
Thank heavens I'm a homebody!!!

PS - later same day ...
diagnosis??? MONONUCLEOSIS - AGAIN!!!

'Desperado'

Desperado...
Why don't you come to your senses?
you been out ridin' fences for so long now.
Oh you're a hard one, I know that you got your reasons
these things that are pleasin' you can hurt you somehow.
Don't you draw the queen of diamonds boy
she'll beat you if she's able,
you know the queen of hearts is always your best bet.
Now it seems to me some fine things
have been laid upon your table,
but you only want the one's that you can't get.
Desperado...
Oh you ain't gettin' no younger.
your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home.
Freedom, oh freedom,
well that's just some people talkin'.
Your prison is walkin' through this world all alone.
Don't your feet get cold in the winter time,
the sky won't snow and the sun won't shine.
It's hard to tell the night time from the day.
You're losin' all your highs and lows,
ain't it funny how the feelin' goes away?
Desperado...
Why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences - open the gate.
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you..
You better let somebody love you...
YOU BETTER LET SOMEBODY LOVE YOU...
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE...

I recorded this today. My best song yet. It turned out pretty good...
But my problem always comes when I try to figure out the meaning of the song according to MY definition; MY emotions, MY desires.
I'm not going to do that this time though.
I'm going to wait...
I'm going to wait to be told from the one who lives the song what the words mean.

What does it mean to you???

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Day in Hibernation



Kathryn and I have designated days of hibernation.
They are days that we sleep in (me until 9:00 and Kathryn until 11:00)..we brush our teeth and then...we watch movies and read. We don't shower, we don't wear make up and we don't do our hair. Kathryn usually stays in her pajamas while I do get into at least a tee shirt and pants... but other than those minimal actions, we only read books and watch movies.
Today, we watched 'Killers' with Ashton Kutcher and Tom Sellick. Kathryn and I were in heaven - she with her young heart throb and me with my 'older' heart throb. But we were BOTH very happy with the movie choice.
Then we started to read. We read together, we read separately in the same room and then we read alone. We are both really fast readers so Kathryn will usually finish two books in a day. I am reading a little thicker book right now, but I am able to finish my one in a day also. Kathryn asked me last week to read the 'Twilight' series books again, so I started those last Friday night. I finished the first two and started the third one today and will finish it and the last one probably by the end of the week. Then, she wants to watch the movies together when I am finished. All in all, it makes for a really fun week with her.
Kathryn quit her job last week after a really bad fall-out with one of the managers. So she now has some extra time on her hands. I'm trying to help her keep busy. She and I both got new cell phones...she has been pretty zoned out since Saturday when we came home with them. I'm fairly clueless as to how to use it and what to do with it. I have texting down and I can answer it if I get to it fast enough.
Kathryn, on the other hand, is not only figuring out her NEW phone, but she is still using her old phone that has another week of use to it before it dies. So she is juggling TWO phones and carrying on full length conversations with friends on both of them, via texting and face booking. I just watch in amazement as I can barely keep mine turned on, let alone USE the blasted thing. But it's purpose is to keep in touch with my children, especially when Kathryn goes off to college. I want to be able to text them...
Kathryn has promised me that in 8 weeks, when it's time to take her off to school, I will have this whole new cell phone thing down to an art.
I'm going to hold her to her promise. This will be no easy challenge for her...I am completely and totally technologically RETARDED!!! Computers, cell phones and any other devices are above and beyond my scope of housewife intelligence...But I did tell her I would try.
Now...back to my book -
I can handle turning a few pages now and then...

Getting So Big



Is he just the cutest thing you have ever seen???
The answer would be...yes.
He's almost 5 months now - and he's been sitting up for just over a week and already has 2 teeth!! Kylie started feeding him rice cereal and baby food about two weeks ago and he is loving it...especially banana's, pears, peaches, sweet potatoes and squash.
He laughs and giggles, smiles constantly and loves to go for walks and be outside. When he comes to our house, he loves to be in his high chair and play with his spatula and cup, just to be making noise to let us know he's still the center of attention.
He has found his voice too...and it's adorable. He makes the cutest, loudest and highest pitched noises you have ever heard. And we LOVE it. We even encourage his continual jabbering by carrying on full length conversations with him.
What I find especially humorous is how Kylie will place him in his little BUMBO chair in front of the t.v.- to watch a movie like Finding Nemo or these little Baby Einstein shows and he will sit there for literally hours - staring at the colors, shapes and movements on the screen. He won't move...he literally doesn't move. So funny.
We will be watching our little guy in May when Mike and Kylie go on a cruise. By then, hopefully we will have him taking some of his first steps and we'll be chasing him all over the place to keep us young...
So fun watching my little Preston grow up.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Can I Have a 'Do-Over' Please

Hindsight...
I've heard you can't put a price tag on it....
so, how much would I pay for it???
All I have.
But I'll take a 'delete button'...that's it...just give my life a 'delete button' so I can just go back over the past, let's say, 51 years or so??? And let me free with a 'delete' button.
What would I delete???
Over half of what I've done, 3/4th's of what I've said and probably 90% of what I've felt. Doesn't leave me with much left that I wouldn't want to have a 'do-over' with.
Why can't we just do things right the first time we do them? Why do we have to have regrets? Or make mistakes? Or disappoint people? Or wish we could 'take something back'?
I'm experiencing some desires of a 'do-over' in some of my relationships.
I'm wishing I hadn't said some things, done other things and felt certain things that have now been brought to light and left me in a total state of embarrassment and humiliation.
UGH!!
To have a 'do-over' ???
Hindsight???
At this moment, both concepts seem so out of my reach...
This is when I desperately hope that the other person involved is so much more mature and forgiving than I could possibly hope for...
that they value and cherish our friendship enough to overlook my stupidity and allow our friendship to stay intact...
and that they allow me to grow and learn from this experience through THEIR help and friendship instead of through someone else who may discard me a lot more quickly.
Please dear friend...don't discard me quite yet...
I can do this...
I really can...
M

Too Much

I'm too intense...everything I do, everything I feel and everything I think.
For someone who is comfortable with life being simple and no pressure but to just exist and enjoy being private and safe, I became too much.
So, I was let go.
I think this is why I have no best friend.
Again...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Mormon Mother/Daughter Hangovers

This has been a week of pain pills and sleepless nights. You add some chocolate and red koolaid to that combination and you've got yourself what I have affectionately labeled a 'Mormon hangover'. You add my 'Katie' (Kathryn) to each night and I now have at least a good memory to record.
My tooth is finally feeling better - thanks to the antibiotic and some Hydrocodone. Katie has been taking the same meds for her strep throat and so between the two of us, we are finally on the mend.
What has made it endurable has been what we have chosen to add to the recovery process...a few good movies, romance novels, chocolate, red koolaid and late night conversations. Of course, loud music and dancing in the front room has taken it to what many would call 'over the top' fun in our limited Mormon boundaries...but some of you would have been duly impressed.
And over the week, we have learned what recovery 'combo's' are acceptable and not acceptable. For example...a romantic movie 'Pride and Prejudice' and chocolate only send our late night conversations into relating stories of past heart breaks and tears streaming down our faces. You add a few questions asked from Katie about moms past romances and by 3:00 am, we're both pretty wiped out emotionally.
But flip that scenario over and watch the movie 'Red' with Bruce Willis, down a few shots of red koolaid and blast some rock and roll and you've got us both laughing our heads off while dancing around Kathryn's bedroom and falling into her bed. By 2:00 am, we're physically exhausted.
Of course, both nights did include plenty of hydrocodone!!!
The best thing about a Mormon hangover though is...we remember it all. And will, for many years to come. I'm hoping that this week, along with the next 8 before Kathryn leaves for college will be filled with memories that will help to sustain us both over the months she's gone.
In the meantime, I enjoy each moment as it happens.
Last night, we both laid in Kathryn's bed - her head against the headboard, mine at the foot of her bed, our feet facing each other. We were both reading books. Every 20 minutes or so, we would both put down our books and she would ask a question, I would answer, then I would ask a question and she would answer. Then back to our books. Then she would get a text, we would talk about who it was from and what was said - we talked about people and friends...then back to our books...
Then finally around midnight, we put the books down and talked serious. She asked me about men and love. From some of her questions, I got the impression she was under the understanding that I knew 'all about love' and men. But I was sure to help her know that just because I had experienced true love once or twice that I was, by no means, an expert in the field of love. I could only tell her what I had felt and learned from the men I had loved before and love now. I tried to explain to her the differences of 'being in love' and 'loving' someone and what each emotion and 'state of being' was about. I could tell when she would have an 'aha' moment and I would smile when I would recognize the same 'aha' moment for myself.
We talked about first loves...and she asked if I felt she had experienced her real first love. I told her 'yes' and she asked how she would know. I told her he would be the one she would never forget...even when she was old like me....she asked a few details about my first love and we giggled over me sharing some of what I remembered...it was a sweet memory and I found myself smiling almost more than Kathryn did as I shared my first kiss and emotions that came with it. At the end of my story, I made sure she understood the importance of learning from each and every love story she would experience , whether it was 20 or just 2...but that there was something she would cherish 30, 40 or even 50 years later from every man she loved.
My hangovers have been sweet. I'm a little tired each day but I feel...complete. I'm wishing I had done this more with Kylie - but she didn't need me as much as Kathryn does. Two edged sword.
But, it's for only 8 more weeks. I imagine things will be different. They will change after she goes away to school and comes back. THEN, she'll be 'visiting'. Our mother/daughter nights will only be on special occasions then...but I'll make sure that when she does come home for those 'visits' that I have plenty of chocolate, red koolaid, good movies, rock and roll cd's and a few hydrcodone tucked away for that special kick....the Mormon drug of choice. But I really doubt we'll need those...

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Needing a Blankie of My Own

If you read my blog, you know the stories of Kathryn and her blanket(s).
Since a baby, Kathryn has always had a 'blankie' - I've made her about 6 of them over her lifetime. When one wears out to complete threads, I make her a new one. They each last about 3-4 years.
When she is home, you will seldom, if ever, see her without it.
She holds it while watching t.v., she carries it with her from room to room, she eats dinner with it, is on the computer, phone and iPod with it...and she of course, sleeps with it.
Her blankie serves a multitude of purposes...it's a person to her...
it's her best friend, makes her smile, comforts her when she cries, gives her warmth and
protection, snuggler, strokes her face, kisses her lips, and she hugs and holds it always.

I'm thinking it's time for Marlys to get a blankie.
I don't know why I haven't thought about it before...but I need a blanket.
Yes, I'm 51 - but I think I need a blanket for the exact same reasons Kathryn has hers.
It will be perfect.
I was going to make Kathryn a new blankie next month as a surprise - for college.
I think I'll make me one at the same time....
Time to start sewing...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

John Rees

Tonight, I had dinner with my co-workers from Apple Orthodontix.
Mind you, I haven't seen any of them since November 1st.
It was great to see all of them and do some catching up on every one's lives.
But they told me some news that hit me harder than even I would have imagined it would.
We had a patient named John Rees that had come into the office for the first time back in the summer. I am the first person that the patient meets. I take their xrays, photos, and do a history on them and then with the doctor, we come up with a treatment plan for their orthodontic treatment and then I sell the case....doing all the financial arrangements, contract and getting the patient started. I almost always develop a great relationship within the patient within 5-10 minutes - and I can sell just about every single case.
John Rees was in his 40's. Very shy, quiet, and your typical socially awkward young man. He had never been married, had one sister that had given him a niece and nephew and then his parents still lived. He lived alone in an apartment and worked for Hewlett Packard, but out of his home. He was able to do all of his computer work without having to leave his house. He would go on an occasional vacation with his family, but otherwise, was very much to himself. In fact, it was all I could do to get him to carry on a conversation with me.
But over the 6 months I saw him coming and going from our office, we actually developed quite a special relationship - he would share trip experiences with me...he even asked me if i would go to dinner with him sometime with Del. Because Del works at Hewlett Packard also, I had been able to have some common ground with John and we had some wonderful conversations. He never came or left my office without making an effort to stop in my office and say hi to me and ask how I was.
The girls informed me tonight at dinner, that John passed away a couple of weeks ago, and no-body knew. Apparently, his family had found him passed in his home. John had my name written on a piece of paper on his desk at home with my office number. They called our office a week later to tell me, but I wasn't there.
I cried. I just started crying at the dinner table. I was so sad; heart broken. John had no-one and no-one had John. He had never been in love nor had anyone ever loved him romantically. And he wasn't bad looking, he was just socially awkward. No-one had ever taken the time to get to know him. And I had only just started to know who he was and what he was about. And now, he was gone.
I'm sorry John that I didn't take more time to know you even better than the little I did.
I'm sorry I didn't take the time to go to dinner with you. I'm sorry you were alone when you passed...and I'm sorry you never fell in love.
But thank you John , for the smile you put on my face each month you came to my office and went out of your way to say hello. And thank you John for being a man of honesty and integrity - one who kept his appointments, made his payments and was always courteous and kind to me when he saw me - in or out of the office.
Even though you will most likely not be missed by many in the outside world, you will be missed by me...someone who's life you touched in the most simple of ways.
Goodbye John Rees.

SLOWLY, but Gradually...

Another 2 pounds -
I've lost 26 so far now.
Still hard, still slow and still trying.
But it finally paid off.
I saw some friends from work today for the first time since November 1st.
They were stunned. Could NOT believe it.
I was pleased.
I need to lose 10 more by the time I take Kathryn up to school in April - 9 weeks away.
A pound a week??? Doable...
Just can't give up.
Think healthy Marlys...
think slender Marlys...
think realistically Marlys...

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Very Painful Weekend

Pain...pain...and more pain!!!
Thursday night, I was put 'on hold'. My best friend was suffering from some real heartache and when I tried to help, I was dismissed....heartbreaking. Painful. I didn't sleep all night and was heart sick for any pain I may have contributed to the whole situation. I felt pretty...lost. Dead.
Friday morning only added more pain to an already painful situation. I had an excruciating toothache on my upper left first molar. Ten years ago, I cracked that tooth while eating popcorn kernels. Yes, yes, I know...I KNOW!! I am a dentists daughter and I know better, but I always eat the popcorn kernels; they are my favorite part. Well, I paid the consequences when I fractured the root right in half and my brother in law had to do a root canal and porcelain crown on the tooth. He said I would be lucky to get 10 years out of it.
Friday I figured it had probably been 10 years - and it hurt like HELL!!! OMG it was terrible. Throbbing and intense. Kathryn was sick too so I had to take her to the doctor (strep throat) and go on like everything was okay. Later that night, I made the HUGE mistake of trying to push the issue with my best friend in helping with the heartache and was SHUT DOWN....I should have known better...I was stupid...so now, I was feeling both physically and emotionally sick...and very alone.
I didn't sleep all Friday night...and I took drugs...anything I could get my hands on...nothing helped. I was in a fog all day - went with Del to babysit our grandson, but I was semi-non functioning. I didn't even catch the BYU game on radio - just too much pain to focus. Came home and I went to bed...tried to sleep but couldn't. I wanted to help my friend but couldn't, needed to help myself but wouldn't. Pretty miserable.
Sunday, I finally crawled out of bed at 6:00 am knowing sleep just wasn't going to happen. I didn't know what to do for my tooth and I had no clue what do to for my friend. I sat at this computer for literally 3 hours - typing - blogging - crying - blogging - and typing some more...By the end of the three hours, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.....
and then????
I erased it all.
Not for any one's eyes but mine....
I went to church tired and then gave 100% to 150 Primary children in singing and came home and collapsed...I lay ed in bed and didn't move - just cried.
At 7:00, we went over to Sean and Becky's to a wonderful dinner they had made us - I was hurting, so Becky gave me some medicine that finally started to kick in about an hour later...I came home last night and took a few more drugs and went to bed.
I know I must have slept once or twice, but I also know I was awake around 2:00 because I had posted some things on FB - I don't remember much of anything.
And today - finally, I went to the dentist and the x-ray showed a bad infection up around the fractured root of my tooth - so, it will have to be extracted, an implant put in and then a new crown. I'm sad -
It's Valentine's Day today...
I got on FB and saw all the sweet posts from people telling their friends and others that they loved them...etc...I posted a Valentine wish to everyone in general...and let it go at that.
But a picture speaks a thousand words...and a profile picture appeared today that spoke a thousand words to me - made me smile...the best Valentine's Day gift I could have ever received.
Thank you dear friend....

Friday, February 11, 2011

My Best Friends







I've never had a best friend in my life. I've had friends, but never anyone that I have considered my BEST friend. I've always wanted one...and I've always needed one. But never found someone that I have been able to fit the role of what I thought was my 'best friend'.
So, for over the many years, I have found much comfort in the fact that I LOVE my children. I have loved and adored them from the moment they were born...and as they grew and became these little people with their own little personalities, I found myself choosing to spend more and more time with them over the choosing of being with other adults. They were funny, smart, happy and full of life. I have some wonderful memories of a lot of fun times with my young children.
And now as adults, I love how that relationship with them has not changed from being friends to something anything different than just better friends. I still love my kids - I still find them funny, smart, happy and full of life. And when I can, I still choose to spend time with them over any other adults. We have and tell secrets, we cry together and we laugh. We have FUN - we laugh our freakin' heads off - I have never laughed more than when I am with my kids. I love to be with them...They are my greatest joy...they are my best friends.
I'm glad that I've waited all these years to fill that role in my life with those that I love the most.
My kids...

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I found a receipt in the car today while Kathryn and I were out and about. We stopped at Which Wich sandwich place for her to get something to eat. I stayed in the car and waited and while waiting, I started cleaning up wrappers and garbage in the car...found the receipt from 7-11. No details, but I was disappointed. It was from yesterday.
I've been in a slump ever since.
Feel like there is progress most days but then have a set back like today and feel discouragement.
Trying to regroup tonight...
Tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

'But I Don't Want to Grow Up'

Del hasn't said a word, mostly because he knows how much I have LOVED not working full time the past 3+ months...BUT...
it's time to be a grown-up again.
In sending Kathryn's housing deposit and rent for the Spring semester and then booking plane flights for April, I have heard the 'cha-ching' sounds ringing throughout the house. And next week, we are supposed to sign her up for classes and then pay the $1600 tuition - so all in all, we have about $4000 going out on that sweet, not yet tattooed little caboose of mine...
Cha-ching!!!
I need to get back to work.
So the job hunt has REALLY started now. I sent out 6 resumes today with craigslist and then I have about 10 other contacts that I need to reach out to the rest of this week and next week. It shouldn't be hard to get a job...the openings in my field are out there - plenty of them, and I am qualified..that's probably exactly why I have been dragging my feet. I know I'll end up starting within days...and I haven't wanted to yet. But I can't let another month go by without helping out - so, I really need to start a full time job by...probably Monday the 21st. Pouting face :(!!
But, it will mean we can do all the things I'm wanting to do - a family cruise, going to Utah and helping pay for Kathryn to be in school. Plus, we're probably looking at getting a new car in the near future and I shouldn't be expecting Del to carry this whole financial load, especially when the benefits are mine to enjoy.
But it's been wonderful having so much time - to keep up with things, cook, blog, read, music and just everything the past three months have allowed me to do and be.
But, I AM an adult..time to start acting like one..
Sure glad I already have my trip in April scheduled - my last 'young at heart' get away...
at least until, well, maybe the end of September....
that seems like a good time to go up to Utah again...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

One Last Headache...For The Road...

She doesn't even leave for another month +...
But, she's wanting to go out with a bang!!!
Yes, this would be a tattoo...and yes, I was informed she is wanting to get this done before she goes off to BYU Idaho!!!! OF COURSE SHE DOES!!! WHY WOULDN'T SHE WANT TO DO ONE LAST THING before going off to college that requires the strictest honor code in all of the United States?????
I told her she couldn't. She looked at me funny and asked 'why not?' I, of course, gave her all the correct answers, finishing with 'because I'm your mom and I said so!'
The minute I said it, even I laughed... I asked her 'why doesn't that mean anything to you??'
With head in my hands I am breathing deeply....I'm surprised I'm breathing at all. Her dad stopped breathing hours ago and Kylie?? Kylie is determined she will talk sense into Kathryn before this comes to pass. I told her to knock herself out - I was throwing my hands up and crying 'UNCLE' for the last time...
I've now just had over an hour long conversation with Kylie - with both of us ending in tears.
We are desperately wanting Kathryn to understand the significance of her choices NOW - but when in reality, I have to know and understand that Kathryn will probably not understand the significance of her choices for years to come and that I have to learn patience and long suffering - and a few other Godlike qualities that are required of me to understand this concept of unconditional love.
So - for the next few weeks, I will encourage this decision of a tattoo to go another direction - but, if in the end, she chooses to get what I hear is called a 'tramp stamp', which is the tattoo on the 'small of her back', then I, for yet one more time, will smile and embrace her with all the love I have for her as my beautiful child.

They Look Like Moccasins to Me

Kathryn owns a Payless shoe store...
I have...well, I just bought a few new pairs of shoes last month before the wedding - so now?
I have about 8 pairs of shoes...1 running/walking shoes, 2 black heels, black boots, 1 flip flops, brown heels, white sandals and tennis shoes.
Yeah - I'm not big on shoes...I go barefoot all day inside the house...I wear shoes on Sunday to church, when I walk/run and then work shoes with my scrubs. Otherwise, flip flops...
But Kathryn is crazy!!! You walk in the front door and they are lined up (only because I PUT them in a line hoping she'll pick them up ) from one end of the house to the other....and she has one of everything..two of most styles. But she gets most of them at Payless or Shoe Mart, so pretty inexpensive.
But how many pairs of shoes can you wear at one time????
Today, I had to run out to WalMart for some groceries and a Valentines Day card...I was in sweats...t-shirt - gorgeous day!!! I had the windows and doors open as Kathryn and I had been dancing and jumping around the front room to music and had left my tennis shoes outside - and flip flops were no where to be found.
I grabbed some socks and had them on before grabbing Kathryn's moccasins that were at the front door. I hear her let out a squeal...'MOM, you can't wear my Minnetonka's!!!' Because I had no idea what she was talking about, I was out the door and in the car before she caught up with me...
Apparently, the moccasins I had put on are $120 shoes..and you DON'T wear them with socks. What the heck??!! How was I to know??? They looked like moccasins to me!!! She made me take off the socks and warned me to not walk in water and ruin her 'shoes'.
At that point I was HOPING there would be SOME teenager at WalMart that would notice what a cool mom I was, wearing my Minnetonka's withOUT socks. No such luck.
At least I knew I was cool - Kathryn said so...
and here I thought I was just putting on moccasins...
Ba...lessons learned every day.

She's Non Refundable



Well....I made flight plans today for taking her up to school in April. I guess that makes it official. It at least makes it non-refundable. So, she's going whether she wants to or not. But, she wants to. And I think she's finally ready.
It's a good thing...on so many different levels.
For me? I'm ready to have her move on - I need to get back to work, back to taking care of other things besides just Kathryn; back to having a life. But life without Kathryn 24/7??
For her? She's ready to be somewhere else besides Texas. She's ready for a new experience - whether it's school, I'm not so sure - but since that's what's being offered right now, that's what she's going to be doing. And, she's needing a new circle of people surrounding her.
To say though that this is probably going to be the hardest of all my children moving on is an understatement. I have been sooo involved with Kathryn - emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially. She has basically been all consuming the past few years...but no more so than this past year in itself.
I'm exhausted. She has literally taken just about every ounce of anything in me to raise her to this point. And I'm living and functioning on a 'daily basis' mode with her. I have no idea what to expect each morning I wake up...usually, she mandates the flow of the day. It's a 'hold my breath' scenario each day until she emerges from her bedroom around 9:30 am. And that continues through the day until she, as the last one home, comes through the front door from work and locks the door behind her; usually right around midnight.
I wait up for her each night to ask her how her day went...not that I don't already know from either the series of phone calls mingled with my day, or the facial expressions she comes home with. I know, generally within minutes, who she's had phone calls from, text messages from, who she loves or doesn't want to hear from again the rest of her life...I know if she's content or hurt, I know if she's going to be able to fall asleep on her own or cry herself to sleep talking to a friend on the phone. And most often, I can tell if I'm anywhere NEAR on MY way to bed, or if I still have another hour or so trying to figure out how to help her 'tomorrow'.
Yeah, I'm exhausted - but could it have been any other way??? No. Not with Kathryn. And I think every mother has a Kathryn.
But in the same sense that this girl has exhausted me to limits I never thought I could live through, she has also been my saving grace. I have never felt more relaxed around any of my children as much as I have Kathryn. She IS me....all over again - so scary!!! SO SCARY!!!!
I understand her completely. Every tear she has cried, every smile she has smiled, every laugh she has laughed and every broken heart she has had, I have had at one point in my life...and because of that, I am now able to help her live through her own experiences. I am her mother by divine decision; I'm just not quite sure who made the decision...Kathryn? Me? Or God...
No matter the answer, Kathryn is mine...and as exasperating as so many moments have been over the past 18 years, I wouldn't change a single day I have had with her...I love her.
She's my baby dolly...and although I may, in the near future, finally enjoy some earlier nights , more sit down dinner hours, an actual pathway back to her bedroom, help with the dishes, my own bathroom, only 4 loads of laundry as to the 10 I've been doing, no Payless store from the front door to her bedroom and every room in between, hair scrunchies and bobby pins on every surface, a clean car and the front door slamming closed every night at 11:49...I will miss it all...
And so much more....(you can't imAgine how much more).
I imagine, a few weeks after I get home from taking her up to college, that on any given day, you might call and find me in tears...missing her and all her drama...
But you'll also find me...not quite so exhausted..
Oh, I can only hope....

Monday, February 7, 2011

Feeling Helpless

My dearest friends world just fell apart...
and I want to fix it.
But I can't...
I can only continue to
listen,
support,
suggest,
cry,
laugh,
be there
and love
through this dreadful ordeal...
But I will...
because that's what best friends do.
Always...
M

Friday, February 4, 2011

More of the White Stuff




Because I don't have children 'in school' anymore, it's been no big deal to me that today is the 4th snow day for school kids...happy kids = stir crazy moms!!!!
It started Monday night with rain, ice and then sleet - and very cold temps. School cancelled Tuesday. Then Tuesday, temps dropped even further with more rain, ice and sleet - no school Wednesday. Then Wednesday, down in the single digits...no school Thursday and they automatically cancelled today as the forecast called for 6-8 inches of snow.
And it delivered. Woke up this morning to 6 inches and it's snowing as we speak.
So we have snow for the Super Bowl!! But, no white out game for us!! Texas has an indoor stadium!! Whoot whoot.!
Kathryn has spent the morning out in the snow in basketball shorts playing with Lacey!!! Both have loved it, until now it's time to come in...and get dry. Fun to hear neighborhood kids and dogs out playing in the fluffy white stuff....
Enjoy!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

"BUTT OUT"

Pretty brutal counsel given me from a dear friend.
And months ago, if given that same counsel, I would have bristled, put my guard up and had my feelings hurt.
But now, I tend to step back a little more often, assess the situation, humble myself a little (okay, a lot) and follow the wise counsel I fail to initially see for myself.
As parents, it's our initial urge to make our children's decisions for them, thinking only we know what is best for them. Up to a certain age, that is probably a pretty accurate assessment. But what is that age???
Of course, depending on the decision to be made, we go by the philosophy of 'age appropriateness'...and what the law tends to mandate. But I'm learning that there are other great measuring sticks in allowing our children to make their own choices.
1 - by my own experience of when I was their age...
2 - their own desire to make said choices
3 - when your best friend tells you to BUTT OUT!!
With my two older children, they kind of did things right along with the other kids their age - dating - sports - activities - etc..etc..
But not my caboose. Kathryn has NEVER done anything when she was supposed to...everything was done earlier and faster than anyone else - sports (gymnastics), boyfriends - jobs - driving - graduating from school early - etc etc.. I have tried for probably three years, at least, to slow things down for this child in overdrive! I don't know how many times I have tried to tell her to SLOW DOWN in this fast paced life she has set for herself...but never with any success. So now, when she finds herself at age 18, she is wanting to be 21 and make the decisions that would be appropriate for any other 21 year old...EXCEPT SHE'S ONLY 18!!!!
So as her mother, I'm pretty much thinking I know what's best for her and what decisions should be made in certain circumstances. With this thinking in mind, I was prepared to save her from what I thought was going to be a 'life altering melt down in the making'. After all, I AM her mother...it's my job to save her from what could be the worst decision of her life...right?
Humbling moment...
I was reminded of a decision that was made for me years ago - a decision that changed the course of my life and the life of others involved. I had no say in the matter or in the devastating affects of the aftermath. I only know that that one decision killed a part of my soul that has never been restored...a part of me that has never really been whole since.
I was reminded that I was just about to do the same thing to my own daughter... make a decision for her that could possibly make her miserable the rest of her life...but the point was, whether a good or bad choice, I was going to be the one making the decision, not her.
So very loudly, but with much passion and love, I was instructed to 'BUTT OUT!!!!!' Not counsel I generally take kindly to, but I had to take into consideration who was giving the orders!
I was humbled. 'I should have learned this lessons years ago' and 'of all people who should know this' were echoing in my thoughts as I was reminded of my own broken heart.
Okay - I heard you - I HEARD YOU!! Not hard when you yelled at me!!! But I heard you. And thank you, for caring enough to yell at me and not allow me to make the mistake that changed my life years ago.
So now, I wait - and watch - and pray - a LOT.
Some gentle guidance here, some tender nudging there and a lot of BUTTING OUT!!!
So hard -
So right -
So humbling...

CHEESEHEADS RULE

I'm not a Cheesehead...by birth.
I'm a Charger....(only by birth)
but at age 16, when my brother went on his mission to Dallas Texas, I became a Cowboys fan....of course, that's when Danny White was the quarterback and we had Too Tall Jones and Emmett Smith playing - good team.
Then, I went off to BYU and Steve Young became my player of choice and I was a 49r's fan for years and years. Loved LOVED the Steve Young/Jerry Rice duo, but mostly, I just loved the NFL all the way around...I watched all teams and every week.
Now, I mostly follow BYU players, my favorite being Austin Collie, who plays for the Indianapolis Colts, my current team of choice.
BUT, they didn't make the Super Bowl....
The Pittsburgh Steelers did....
and...
The Green Bay Packers...aka.. Cheeseheads.
I used to watch Green Bay all the time when Brett Favre was their quarterback. I liked him - still do, but he didn't betray me...he did all the Green Bay fans though...most of them hate him now.
BUT, once a Cheesehead fan, ALWAYS a Cheesehead fan...
Wisconsin - the land of some of the best cheese ever made. I read the story about how the name 'Cheesehead' started - where Green Bay got their logo, their name etc...pretty interesting story.
It's quite a process becoming a Packers fan - I've made my fair share of mistakes in this learning process - called players the wrong thing, learning there's a Pack Nation with little cheesheads - it's only appropriate at certain times to call it 'Pack' instead of 'Packers' - when is it 'THE Cheeseheads' instead of just being referred to as 'Cheeseheads'. etc etc...so nerve wracking!!! But if you have a very patient and loving tudor then it only takes about one season to get this Packer Cheesehead fan thing down....
So why all the interest then in becoming a Packers fan??? (and is there an 's' on that??)
As follows...
1- You could not PAY me to cheer for the Steelers...their QB, is a scum - Ben Rothlisberger...good player, but personal life sucks - not a great example - and the Steelers have already won the Super Bowl plenty of times....
2 -Since MY team couldn't go, I had to cheer for SOMEONE - not Steelers, so, had to be Packers...
3- I kind of jumped on the Packer band wagon due to my best friend...his team? The Packers - die hard fan - born in Wisconsin - I had no choice - he forced me - literally forced me.
4- Kylie's mother in law - Packer fan too - they have some kind of following - cult like thing going- who would wear that on their head otherwise???
5- very close to my maiden name - Packard...just sayin.
6- for the first time EVER, the Super Bowl is being played here in Dallas!!! The hype is unbelievable!!! Every news clip, headline and sound bite are about the Super Bowl - and the Packers are getting GREAT press. I'm glad for my friend.

Mike and Kylie are hosting the Super Bowl party at their new house on Sunday. It will be a Green Bay Packer majority with any Steelers fan mingling with one eye looking over their shoulder at all times. Of course, there will be parties all over the country, all over the nation. Some will be better than others...ours is going to be fantastic!!!
Soooo looking forward to Sunday - excited and yet very nervous for Packer fans. There won't be very many cheering louder than I will be...
except maybe -
a Cheesehead ...by birth.
GO PACK!!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm There

You know, when as a little girl, you saw your daddy come home from Father's and Son's outing with a beard and at first, you were afraid to go to him until he reached out his arms to you and you knew it was him????
I'm there...
You know, when you were old enough to start working at your daddy's dental office as his assistant and he nurtured you and taught you everything you needed to know to be his best and favorite assistant - and his compliment at the end of the day was what made life okay????
I'm there...
You know, when as a young teenage girl, you saw that really cute boy at church or at school and he never noticed you until one day, you walked by him and he smiled and said 'hi'...and your heart dropped to the floor???
I'm there...
Or, when you turned 14 and you got to go to the stake dances and for dance after dance, you stood against the wall waiting for the one guy that never seemed to look your way to finally walk over and ask you to dance the last dance of the night...a slow dance????
I'm there...
Or when you turned 16 and you waited for hours by the phone hoping that you would actually get asked out ON your birthday because you were finally old enough - but no- one called...so your best friend, your brother, took you out on your first date - but it didn't matter, because you loved him???
I'm there...
Or when you turned 18 and you were graduating from high school and the most popular guy in the whole stake, who was 19 and had no clue you even existed, was sooo kind that even though he knew you had the biggest crush on him and he felt nothing, was respectful and sweet enough to come to your high school graduation and to your family dinner afterwards because he knew you would never forget it the rest of your life????
I'm there...
Or when you turned 19 and you see for the first time, the set of eyes that will change your life forever as you fall in love and he loves you almost as much as you love him only for time and miles to separate you from him????
I'm there...
Or when you turned 23 and think you'll never find love again, he comes into your life offering love, comfort, healing and patience with a marriage proposal and a promise of a 'love forever'???
I'm there...
Or when you turned 24, 27, 29 and 33 - and you give birth to the most beautiful children in the world, experiencing the most love you have ever felt in your life????
I'm there...
Or...now age means nothing as you raise your children through their own phases of heartaches and joys...first puppy love, first teenage crush - first dashed hope, first broken heart, first love lost, eternal love found and children of their own.
I'm there...
And now, in my aging years...I am once again experiencing moments of renewed love and joy - of safety, contentment, hope, tears, warmth, friendship, music and laughter - much laughter...
I'm there...
and hope I'll always have many more tomorrow's to
be there.....
as happy as I am tonight...

Nothing Remains but a Memory



The lengths we women go to to try and be beautiful -
shaving, waxing, adding to here, removing from there...
most of which are painful.
But no more so than the lessons learned and the memories of the pain..
This memory came to me today as I waxed my eyebrows...
Kylie has one of those lessons and memories that she'll carry with her forever.
One morning, after Seminary, Kylie was in a hurry to get ready for volleyball practice and get all of her stuff ready for school. She was running around like a chicken with her head chopped off and although I don't remember all the circumstances, I do remember she was annoyed with someone about something, probably me.
She was needing to wax her eyebrows. Instead of going to the salons, we had been doing our own waxing at home to save money and time...she was heating the wax up in the microwave...would run to get some things put together, and then back to the microwave. When she finally decided it was probably ready, she reached for the bottle inside the door and lifted it to bring it out and put it on the counter. It was too hot and the jar burnt her fingers, causing her to jerk the jar of wax towards her face, splashing it all down the right side of her face.
The scream that came from her was enough to drop me to my knees. I knew, from the other room, that my beautiful Kylie was more than just hurt...it was deeper than 'just hurt'. I couldn't run to her fast enough, and even before I was able to reach her, Jordan was there and then her daddy. She was writhing in pain as Jordan was trying to hold her. It wasn't until he pulled her face away from his chest that I saw the damage. The gasp came out before I was able to hold it back and I quickly turned away as tears filled my eyes.
Kylie was a beauty - had been ever since she was a little girl. Everyone thought she was as beautiful outside as she was inside...I used to think she might be a model - she was tall, thin and had beautiful hair that curled all around her face.
Her face...her beautiful face had a burn that went all the way from the right side of her eye down to her chest, where the wax had settled and dried hard. I couldn't look at her as she continued to scream in pain - Del and Jordan had to hold her down as they attempted to pull the wax off, trying to not get near the areas that were close to her actual eye...As soon as they had all the wax removed, her body began to react from the shock of the whole incident. She was shaking terribly and the skin was inflamed - I insisted we take her to the emergency room for any further treatment that would hopefully help in the possibility of limiting the scarring I knew would be a forever remembrance of that day.
I was with her in the emergency room for hours. The ER doctor was not hopeful, at all, that she would NOT have scarring. I was supposed to be the one being strong and supporting Kylie, but I was the one falling apart. The doctor applied the needed medications, bandaged the wound and then sent us home, both Kylie and I in tears.
But we were no more traumatized than were my husband and Jordan. Jordan was visibly upset. So protective of his best friend...he was sick...he was in almost as much pain as Kylie was.
Word spread fast of Kylie's accident and love and well wishes came pouring in. She had visitors coming and going...I tried to make her rest as much as possible, but she was wanting to get back to volleyball and her normal life as soon as she could.
As the days passed, the healing process was the worst. The pain got worse before it ever got better and the scabbing process was intense and gave her a lot of discomfort. And it was not attractive. But as the scabs began to sluff and the fresh skin began to heal over, I had some hope that the scars would be visible, but hopefully not as flaming red as they currently appeared.
Days went by, then weeks went by. Several scabs came and went - and then the scar settled in to what we knew would eventually be the Kylie we now know her to be.
You have to look closely to know that Kylie even has a scar - it does show a little more when she's out in the sunlight, or she's gotten out of the shower..but she is almost always able to cover any signs if it's lasting affect with the littlest amount of make up. If you didn't know of Kylie's experience, you would never be able to see the brown traces of her burned skin. She remains as beautiful as ever; on the inside and the outside.
Kylie will never forget that day - none if us will. And it helps that she has no physical 'aftermath' of that day. But it was that day that helped change MY attitude about the importance of physical beauty, or the lack of. I was so devastated to think that my beautiful daughter would no longer be the same - of the same value or worth because she would LOOK different. It was she, who taught me, that the physical scar she might possibly be left with would be of no significance if she allowed the accident to scar her on the inside too. But she didn't.
She came away from the months and months of recovery a much stronger and confident young lady - prettier than she had ever been before.
And as her mother, I was left wishing that I could be only half as beautiful as she was and is today.

Baby, It's Cold Outside


The rain started at about 9:30 last night....hard - then turning to sleet. And it 'sleeted' all through the night until about 4:00 this morning when it turned to ice. What was amazing is that there was lightening and thunder too...way cool.
The LIGHT snow hit at 6:00 am and never really amounted to much...but the temperatures are 18' out there with a windchill factor of 8'...so, it's cold. And it has literally shut down Texas. Yes, we're pathetic here....I was told it's 8' in Utah also but you don't see that whole state coming to a stand still. But Texas doesn't know how to drive on ice...looks like I'll be doing all the driving today.
So, I have bread rising in the oven and homemade clam chowder on the stove for dinner. Should be enough to warm even the 'iciest' of souls....I'll be taking Kathryn to work and picking her up late tonight...in the meantime, there are plenty of warm things to do here in the house.
Reading my book for February....