Saturday, April 30, 2011

Scrambled Saturday

My 'to do' list had good intentions when I got out of bed today, but as the day progressed, I could see that I was going to need to settle for just being happy with my 'top 3' on the list.
Laundry, which included clean sheets on the beds, was a must.
Blogging about some events and thoughts was another must for me, with tonight's final post being my last event of the day.
And then I got to babysit my sweet little grandson Preston for 6 hours. Seems like a long time but it just flew by as he entertained me with his smiles, giggles and peaceful napping. It was certainly the highlight of my day and took most of my time., but not a minute of it was wasted or will be forgotten.

And so today closes out the month of April, 2011; a month that for weeks and weeks I looked forward to and now only look back on with regret and heartache. Lessons lived, lessons learned. I wrote today 'Will there ever be a day that I don't think of it? Sure...but it's not today. But hopefully soon. Until then, be patient with me'.
I am not sleeping well and eating even worse. I've dropped 4 pounds just this week since I've been home. Not feeling well...my health is not good right now but I fear it's mostly because I am forgetting to eat..sleep..forgetting to just function.
BUT, tomorrow brings a new day...a new month...a new season...a new beginning.
I'm hopeful as I try to live the way I need to, both physically and spiritually, that I will once again, be whole.
I will focus on each healing step and why it's being taken.
Gradually, I will be, once again....
me.

Always Remember, Never Forget

What's the difference, if any, of these two phrases?
Always Remember....Never Forget
Both insinuate that there is, first of all, a memory; something that has already been established as 'is'. But then words that are 'opposites' are used in helping to put emphasis on the said memory or 'is'.
The first opposites.....always and never.

ALWAYS: at all times, on all occasions, at any time, in every instance, with no exception...whenever one wishes.
It appears to be a positive word...one that gives encouragement or hope.
NEVER: at no time, not at all, by no chance, in no case...under no conditions.
Appears to be a negative word...one of no hope but only despair. 'never be' is more painful.

The second opposites....remember and forget.

REMEMBER: to have come to mind again, to think of again, keep in memory, be careful not to forget...to keep in mind with some feeling.
Appears to be, depending on the memory, whether bad or good, a capability of one's mind to bring back, if desired.
FORGET: to lose facts/knowledge from the mind, fail to recall, fail to do, overlook/omit/neglect intentionally.
Appears to be an action or capability of one's mind to do with undesirable thoughts or memories.

With these definitions, I still have no clear clarification of which phrase is better.
At first glance, it would seem that the 'Always Remember' is more positive and desirable and that the 'Never Forget' is more of a cautionary phrase instead of a hopeful one; more from a pleading heart than a secure heart.

Going to give each phrase more thought until I feel which one applies to me the most, if not equally.

Putting Things in Perspective


Although I have pain, I still live, I still breathe, I still feel and I still love.
These pictures are of Alabama. This disaster happened the middle of this week, I think on the day I was feeling devastated that a dear friend of mine had informed me we would 'never be' friends again. At the time, I didn't think I would live through it.
But I will, unlike many who did NOT live through this terrible tornado in Alabama.
There are, so far, 329 reported dead, but they are still finding more and more bodies.
There are cities literally leveled..obliterated..no longer existent.
And it happened in the blink of an eye...minutes...seconds.
And it was all gone.
A much needed 'kick in the butt' for those of us feeling a little sorry for ourselves over...NOTHING!

Friday, April 29, 2011

The Royal Wedding - William and Kate



Thirty years ago, one year before my actual wedding date of July 29, 1982, the Prince of Wales, Prince Charles, married Lady Diana Spencer. I remember waking up at 2/3:00 in the morning to watch the wedding that literally hundreds of millions of people throughout the world were watching. It was the wedding of the century...everything a fairytale wedding should be, except for the 'happily ever after' ending.
Within years of the wedding, they had had 2 heirs to the throne ...William and Harry, and their marriage had fallen apart. And then 10 years ago, Princess Diana was killed in a car accident, leaving the 2 boys to be raised by their father Prince Charles.
Today was another Royal Wedding and I was once again, awake at 2:00 am to watch all the pre-wedding coverage and stayed up all the way through until about 8:00 am when the wedding was complete. This was the marriage of of Prince William, the oldest son of that young couple 30 years ago and his commoner girlfriend of 8+ years, Catherine Middleton...or 'Kate', by which she has been known.
It was lovely - regal - very beautiful. She will make a lovely queen someday and he will be a strong king for England. I'm half British you know...I feel a fascination for that country and loved every minute of the wedding coverage. And even though not a temple marriage, of course, it was still touching to see a young couple so in love, getting married and starting their lives together.
I wish them every happiness in the world for a long and blissfully happy married life together.

My Healing Heart

Yesterday I went visiting teaching before my job interview.
I visit teach Frankie's mom.
Frankie?? My little sweetheart. Remember my post about Frankie?
When he opened the door and saw me, he ran into my arms and said, 'I missed you Sister Lott!!'.
I held him for a long time, not wanting to let go of the love I felt from his tiny arms that wrapped around my neck as his cheek rested against mine.
I cried.
What a comfort to my torn apart heart.
And there he was, holding my heart in his little hands, healing it as he spoke the precious little words...'I love you Sister Lott'.
And I love you Frankie.
Thank you my sweet little friend.
The healing starts.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

If at First You Don't Succeed....

Kylie helped me send out resumes yesterday on Craigslist for about 6 different job opportunities. I got a call for an interview today and went with high hopes and expectations. BUT, after driving over 20 minutes going the direct opposite way of where I would like to work, I got to the office, met with the doctor and had an excellent interview, but felt no warm fuzzies.
I don't know. I'll probably get offered the job, but you know what? It was too far away and I just think I was hoping for something a little...hmm...bigger?? Small office, small oriental doctor, small space etc...and if we are going to move out towards Mike and Kylie like we are hoping in the next year, then it is completely the wrong way and too far to be traveling back and forth.
So, I guess I'll keep up the search for the perfect job...cuz that one wasn't it.
Next.....

Rub -a- Dub Dub




Little Preston's in the tub!!!!!
How cute is he????
Such a big boy...gotta love him!!!

It Can Begin

After a week of trying to get Jeff to respond to me, he has.
I have begged him to forgive me...
I have begged for wanting to know if the friendship could ever be fixed.
Today, I text'd one last time asking him to tell me so I could never bother him again.
His immediate response was..'never be.'
So, I thanked him and said goodbye.
'Finality' is usually a good thing.
I guess it will be someday.
Right now?
Not so much.
But at least the healing process can begin.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Back into the Swing of Things??

I got home Sunday night...in the middle of a lightening/thunder storm.
Typical.
And now, I'm applying for jobs and hoping to start one by the beginning of next week. It may take a little longer.
I'm trying to stay focused on life here and trying to forget things in Utah.
My heart is still hurt...deeply.
But there is NOTHING I can do...that's the hardest.
Enjoying spending time with my little Preston and seeing Del, Kylie and Michael.
Going to be a little emotionally dead for awhile until the healing process is complete.
Until then, I'm just going to survive each day as best I can.
Quietly.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Surprise Visit from Kathryn as My Trip Ends

Kathryn's roommate had to make a one day trip to Salt Lake and asked Kathryn if she would come with her to keep her company on the trip. Knowing I was still down here, Kathryn quickly said yes and came and spent the day with me. I was sure glad she did, because I needed her and her best hugs ever.
I called Kylie last night as I was driving home and cried my eyes out to her...she was very loving and understanding of the suffering I was experiencing from the loss of my friendship. And then today, Kathryn was equally as kind and loving in listening to my tale and giving me big hugs. It helped sooo much to have the help of my two daughters in helping me put the experience into perspective....
I , in turn, listened to Kathryn's first week of college and all it had in store for her....4 dates, all her classes, feeding the squirrels and then yesterday, a visit to the Student Health Center for a tetanus shot due to the friendly squirrel that decided to take a chunk out of Kathryn's little finger....bled profusely...made for quite the dramatic pictures on facebook. Ho hum......she was also asked to basically, go steady...which she told the boy 'no' but said she would still love to date him...just not exclusively. This was after she knew him for...hmm...6 hours!!!! Kid just got his mission call this week..to Florida .
Anyways...after Kathryn and I gabbed for hours, I took her out to lunch before we went up on BYU campus and went to the BYU bookstore. I purchased one thing....
When I turned 30, Del bought me a life size poster of Ty Detmer, then quarterback at BYU in a tuxedo, tossing the football in the air while holding the Heisman Trophy he had just one. I had it on the back side of my bedroom door for years. I left it on that door when we moved from Idaho to Utah and was sick about it for years.
So today....I bought a life size poster of......JIMMER FREDETTE!!!! I will take it home tomorrow to Texas and put it in it's rightful place...on the back side of my bedroom door. My Easter present to myself. I'm excited.
After BYU, Kathryn and I went jean shopping as she needed another pair for college...we ended up driving to Salt Lake to a big mall there, found her a really inexpensive pair and then met up with her roommate who would be driving her back to Idaho tonight.
It was such a nice, one day visit with my little girl. I had already missed her tons just in the 6 days since I had seen her. And I had so needed her hugs.
Tonight, I had dinner and the annual Easter egg hunt with Rebecca and her family - egg hunt being done in the dark. I had been in charge, with Lance, of hiding the eggs...228 of them, to be exact. Then her adult children all went out hunting...in the dark, with flashlights. Cute fun.
Tomorrow, I go home. I'm glad to be going home to my family that I miss and love so much. I won't be spending Easter with anyone...and I get in very late tomorrow night. But I am still grateful for the wonderful Easter Season...time to ponder and think of what my life is truly about...I have much to be grateful for and I have been blessed with people I love to share my life with. I need to always remember what I have and never what I don't have...
So...to the end of both a terrific and heartbreaking trip...
But when my heart completely heals from my loss, I will once again be whole and happy and continue on enjoying all that the Lord has blessed me with..
I was blessed to have had the friendship in the first place...
Now I must move on after it's loss by enjoying the presence of those that I love.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Family Family Everywhere









Every day of this fun trip has been with family and friends. I have been to luncheons, a bridal shower, sisters and cousins houses and out to dinner almost every night. And I am enjoying laughing, crying, loving and making fond memories. And I still have three days left until I fly home Sunday.
But while gone, my little grandson has decided to start crawling and talking, both of which Kylie captured on video tape and sent to me over the Internet.
Made me cry.
It's so hard living basically two different lives this week....one here in Utah and the one I still have in Texas.
It will be nice to get back to Texas and take this weeks memories with me.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Weekend in Rexburg





I'm so regretting not having taken more pictures...but we just got so busy and Jordan hated me taking my camera out every time I saw something photo worthy.
Kathryn and I flew out of Texas Friday morning...my sister Elaine being so kind to take us to the airport. Kathryn was bored within minutes waiting for our flight, but made up for her boredom by flirting/bantering with the two LDS young men that sat behind us on the flight. Oh, it made for such fun....by the time we arrived in SLC, I was 'mom' to both of them, invited to the wedding of Travis and Curtis had basically gotten all of Kathryn's info and within minutes of them loading her luggage into our rental car, he had friend ed her on facebook. He was 27, but of course, we had told them Kathryn was 21.
Kathryn and I left early Saturday morning for the 4 hour drive to Rexburg, where we got Kathryn moved into her apartment and the met up with Jordan and Lexi for some early dinner in Idaho Falls and then shopping for household things for Kathryn. We watched movies that night and then the next day, Kathryn went to church with her roommate and came home with a date for Monday night...hmmm.
Monday (ayer), I took Kathryn and Jordan and Lexi grocery shopping where I got each of them a little over $200 groceries each...cause that's just what nice parents do when they come to visit. Then Lexi and I took Kathryn up on campus where Lexi helped get Kathryn her text books, ID card and book supplies...Lexi was a HUGE help and I thanked her profusely.
I left Rexburg shortly after that and drove back here to Utah where I am staying at Lon and Loraines house. I will spend my days enjoying hanging around BYU and the Mall..visit family and friends and then in the evenings, I have a bridal shower for a niece, BYU baseball games and visiting more family and friends...I will try to take more pictures along the way.
SOOOO hard to stay on this diet....I've been out to dinner three times already, had ice cream even last night and will be having pizza tonight....ARGH!!!! This isn't going to look good when I get home on the scales...But I'm loving it....
Kathryn text'd early this morning and has yet another date tonight and a really hot guy in her 8:00 am class this morning. I think she's going to adjust just fine. And I was worried???!!! Not yet. I imagine the day will soon come that I'll get the phone call where she is in tears and she'll need her momma....I'm hoping it's....soon.
I miss her terribly.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

No-One Would Believe You...

If you were to go to my high school reunion and tell any one of my friends or classmates that I was now having to use the above pictured item to stuff my bra, they would laugh you out of the gymnasium!!! They wouldn't believe you...at all....
In high school, I was...well, let's just say, I was well endowed. Double digits and double to triple letters...Didn't make for a very fun life, contrary to what many would have thought.
But now that I have had surgery and lost 35 pounds, let's just say....I went bra shopping today. Had to find something to put these poor little pathetic boobs in to. When I came home and pulled the bra out of the bag to show Kathryn and Del, Del opened his desk drawer and pulled out a roll of toilet paper he has on hand to blow his nose and as he handed it to me, said, 'You may need some of this'.
REALLY???!!! YOU'RE GOING TO GO THERE???!!!
Please do not be confused when you read the obituary section of your newspapers and see that there has been a homicide...
Del IS dead.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Farewell FHE for Kathryn




Tonight was Kathryn's last Monday night home - so we decided to have a special family night and her favorite dinner as a farewell. Dutch oven stuffed pork chops, crescent rolls, cheesy scalloped potatoes and jumbleberry pie and ice cream for dessert. I was cooking all afternoon and didn't have time to get cleaned up before our company arrived, but it was a fun party none the less. It ended up being a 'come as you are' dinner party.
We played games afterwards and now that the family has left and gone home, I've got some dishes to do and some house to clean up before I'm off to bed myself.
We will miss Kathryn and the great fun and excitement she add's to our Family Night's. But we had some good laugh's tonight to add to our list of sweet memories of Kathryn here in our home.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Grandma's First Sleepover


Mike and Kylie celebrated their 3 year wedding anniversary this weekend...
and so grandma got to babysit Preston and have a sleepover.
The kids left yesterday afternoon...so I went over at around noon, got all the babysitting instructions and then the party started!!! Preston and I played and played...I took him for a walk where we went visiting around the neighborhood. Then he had a bottle and went down for a nap while I read a little of my book for April. Two hours later, he was up and we played some more. Dinner was 2 jars of yummy food, most of which made it into his tummy, but enough got around his face and hands that we were off for a bath after that. Now THAT was tons of fun. He loves to take baths and was splashing and sucking on the wash cloth the whole time. Into pajamas and then grandpa came over to play for a few hours. They went out into the garden and backyard where we introduced Preston to the ducks that were swimming by in the canal...after about 30 minutes, we came in and Preston and grandpa did TONS of playing and practicing trying to crawl. I think grandpa finally figured out how to crawl after an hour or so...then it was bed time. Del fed Preston a bottle and then took him off to bed... Del went home and I stayed the night. The kids back around 10:00 this morning.
So, it wasn't for a LONG time, but it was fun having my first sleepover with my grandson. And he was a gem.
It will be the first of many more times to come, I'm sure.

Mormon Prom





From head to toe, Kathryn was lovely.
Took weeks of preparation and planning, but the result was what she hoped for.
Her date was Rod Mauss, a 17 year old senior in our ward who Kathryn has been friends with for years. Rod is very shy and pretty socially awkward. Kathryn asked him on his very first date when he turned 16...she is older by a year, but she wanted to help make it easier for him to learn how to date. Only problem is...Rod hasn't wanted to date anyone...except Kathryn. But they are strictly friends and have such a good time together that he asked her to Mormon Prom Night.
I took Kathryn dress shopping and found this gorgeous dress at such a fantastic price - picked the shoes too..and she agreed that for her, I have excellent taste. And she looked sooo goooood!!!!
As you can see in the pictures, I put her hair up in curlers the night before and then she did her fingernails and toenails...Her cousin Becky did Kathryn's make up and did a great job...very sultry looking..bahaha...
I was gone to Mike and Kylie's babysitting Preston when it was time for her date, so Del had to take pictures for me and Kathryn sent me some via text on our phones so I could get the whole affect of the evening...
and then Kathryn told me the rest today when I got home.
Rod brought her flowers...smart boy...flowers are ALWAYS the right thing to do.
Then they went to Maggiano's to dinner - an Italian restaurant that is super yummy...then off to the dance. Kathryn said she was probably the oldest one there...but that she still had a great time. I was happy for her.
I never went to Prom - not high school prom, not church prom...I was...hey wait...I did go to a prom with a guy from another high school...I just remembered that...but not my prom...I was a DOG!!!! Just not really my attractive years...not that I've had any of those years ever, but certainly NOT through high school.
I'm sure glad my daughters blossomed earlier than I did. They have been pretty all through their teenage years...
Me? Not so much. In fact, I don't think you could really call me pretty, or at least, not ugly, until...well...last week I didn't look too bad on..hmmm..Friday. Otherwise, 'pretty' has not been a word used much in describing my physical attributes.
But Kathryn?? Last night...she was lovely.
I was proud of how she carried herself and pulled herself off for such a nice evening.
That's my baby dolly.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Cuddling, Kissing and Holding Hands

I have a boyfriend.
And he meets my three basic needs.
Just very simple needs.
Cuddling, kissing and he likes to hold my hand.
And he's not afraid to show affection in front of others.
At church, he will hug me all the time..he's even kissed me in front of his family.
But when I'm at his house is when he really feels at liberty to express his emotions for me...
yesterday, I was over there and while we were watching a movie, he snuggled close to me and held my hand the whole time. When it was time for me to go, he walked me out to my car holding my hand and asked me if he could kiss me.
I'm pretty sure I blushed...but I said yes.
So...he kissed me.
He makes my heart flip...he's adorable...and has got to be one of the sweetest people I know.
I've waited a long time for such a person in my life...
I may have to wait even longer until .... his mother allows us to date...
But until then, I'll be happy babysitting him on occasion and seeing him each Sunday in Primary.
I love you Frankie.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Finally Caved in and SHOPPED!!!

I wanted to wait to lose 5 more pounds...but at the slow rate this is going, I won't be able to shop for another month. But I did lose 2 more pounds, for a total of 32 now...so I finally gave in and went and got some new jeans.
A month ago, I went and tried some on...3 sizes smaller than what I had been wearing. But I still wanted to wait. So today when I went, I grabbed the same size as a month ago and they were all too big. Kathryn made me go get the next size smaller....so, that means...
I'M DOWN 4 PANT SIZES!!!! Which, of course means, first, I was way too big in the first place, but second, I haven't worn this size jeans in about 20 years.
Okay...I'm almost happy. I'm pleased right now, but not completely happy. About 3-7 more pounds and I'll be happy. And I'm hoping that will be in time for our family cruise and me to get in a ...bathing suit...oh dreadful day! Picture this if you dare...chicken legs, no boobs, a 4 baby roll in front and no butt in the back...DO THEY MAKE A BATHING SUIT FOR THAT BODY TYPE????
My first guess would be..um...NO!!!!!
So, I'm going to have to come up with something so as not to embarrass my whole family on the beaches of Cancun!!! Maybe we can find a remote island somewhere and they can drop me off for a few days and pick me up on the swing back home????
I'll propose it at our next family planning meeting...
Post cards will be stamped from 'Deserted Island Somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico'.

Family Night at the Batting Cages






I was asked to come along to take pictures...so didn't dress for the occasion...but yes, even I took a few swings and connected more times that most of us thought I would... But that still doesn't make me stupid enough to post pictures of me looking like an idiot.
It was fun though. Kathryn went here on a date last week and so was wanting to get Del there ever since. Del could swing a pretty nice bat back in the day...and he didn't do too poorly tonight either...it's just been awhile.
But a fun FHE memory.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Today

Sometimes, I hate myself for being sooooo stupid.
Today is one of those times.

Seeing Red

I go walking/running every day...different times of the day, depending on when it's most convenient.
Today, I went at around 3:30, right after the elementary school kids got out and were just getting home. I take the same route every day...but see different people each time as it's about a 4 mile run. So I have seldom seen the same people twice.
I heard a child crying as I approached this one house and saw a mother dragging what appeared to be about a 5 yr old little boy out of the car. She hit him a few times and then proceeded to drag him and kick him across the front yard all the way to her front door. I was stunned...and MAD. I ran over to both the mother and child just as they reached the front door and pleaded with the mother to 'stop hitting her child' as she yelled several four letter words at me telling me to 'mind my own business'. I yelled that I was going to call the police and she quickly opened her front door and she and child disappeared inside.
I've now been home about 30 minutes and I am still shaking from how angry I am at seeing and witnessing what I did...and especially seeing the pleading look of the child for relief from an abusive parent. I did call the police...gave the address of the child and now will hope justice will be served.
As bad as it sounds, I hope that mother left marks on her son...to prove of her brutality so that the police can take him away from her.
I wanted to hit her...I really did. But I'll be honest...she scared the **** out of me and I was afraid she would further take it out on the little boy. But my adrenaline was pumping hard enough and I was livid enough that I think I could have taken her!!!!
I should have tried...my only regret.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Painful

The week from hell.
And I can't even go into details...
Let's just say...
I'm minus a few friends...
and feeling pretty...
alone.