There are times when life just becomes too much; in both the good and the bad. And then I can't write...there is just too much to write, so I don't.
I made a new cake last night...a recipe of my nieces Ann Marie...Lemon Poppy seed Cake. Okay, so how do I explain eating a ginormous piece of cake this morning and then drinking my Herbal Life shake for my diet? Who does that? And I wonder why , for the past three weeks, I haven't gained or lost a single pound yet half the container of my Herbal Life shake mix is gone???
I've had some of the most amazing spiritual witnesses and moments at the temple and in my scripture study the past two weeks, along with my prayers that have born such sweet peace and joy to my life, and yet the Sunday last, I packed my bags and left home for four hours before my heart was softened and I crawled humbly back home to the arms of a very forgiving and loving husband. Who does that???
I make good money at my job, work hard and feel very successful in what I do. There are days at work that I love the patients and accommodate them in every possible way - give them financial deals they can't refuse, bend over backwards to meet their needs and come early or stay late to help their lives be easier; then I have a week off of work while the doctor is gone on vacation and decide to give my two week notice to my cousin Chad, the boss. Who does that? (I took the 2 week notice back - again).
I'm friends with everyone one week, no-one the next. I stay home all week hibernating, reading, cleaning, sleeping, watching t.v., writing, cooking etc and the next week, I'm 100mph running errands, taking Kathryn here, there and everywhere, going to dr. appt's, hair appt's to the bank, to the store, to anywhere I need to go. Who does that?
The swine flu - overrated? Some say yes, some are in panic mode. I take Kathryn to the dr. yesterday - she's sick - again - always sick. I mean, she's always sick. They test her for strep throat...negative. They test her for the flu - comes back positive, so they want to test again before drawing blood to test for swine flu. 2nd test comes back negative but now the strep throat has developed to positive. I just stare at the two nurses and three doctors that have evaluated the tests to double confirm each other's diagnosis, and I shake my head. I really don't even care anymore. Just give me the prescription Kathryn needs, give me the school excuse note she needs to not fail her sophomore year and let me out the door after paying over $300. Who does that?
Am I normal? I understand up's and down's - mood swings, hormonal roller coaster's and all that other stuff...but is this my 'normal' for the rest of my life? Do most people have this many good and bad days all in a month? It just seems to me that there needs to be an even playing field - a leveling out of life's events. There needs to be..just not soo much of everything. Not too much 'boring' yet not so much '10o0 mph'. Not so much 'mundane' yet not so much 'over the top'. Not so much 'blah blah blah' yet not so much 'high maintenance'.
I'm extreme..in both the wonderful and the terrible. My 'spiritual' is humbling and enveloping...my 'worldly' is overwhelming and suffocating. My job is fulfilling and rewarding, my job is burdensome and tiring. My family is stable and my safe place, my family is my worry and heartache. Who is like this?? And how long will I be like this?
It seems that there is opposition in all things, but why does there need to be always the bad with the good? I can appreciate the good life without having to have it's opposite - I really can. I can enjoy 'normal' in most things in life. I can enjoy being 'off' the roller coaster and watching the ride from the ground. I'm a good spectator; why do I always have to be 'in the game' instead of on the sidelines? Can I just be an observer for awhile without there being a penalty for just watching? Will I really miss out on THAT much in life if I just choose to sit back for a spell? What eternal consequences will there be - or what will I lose eternally if I just WATCH this day, this week, this month, this year??? "All my time, talents and whatever the Lord has blessed me with"...
It's May 1st - the start of a new month...the start of the roller coaster, the start of the work month, the start of the diet month, the start of the family budget month, the start of spring cleaning, etc etc..
I guess I'll go make my Herbal Life shake for lunch and set the cake off to the side; get chicken out of the freezer for dinner, pick up Kathryn's prescription for strep throat, gather medical bills to submit to flex spending, start the laundry, do last nights dishes, walk the dog, read my scriptures, finish my book and then tidy up the house so tomorrow's Saturday will be a little more restful before the Sabbath,
Who does that??
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4 comments:
Do you need a phone call therapy session? What is going on?
so...dave REALLY could have done his thesis on our family??!! just kidding :) Sorry your ups and downs are more like a huge mountain range instead of rolling hills. But I think you'd be surprised at how many people feel the same as you, and so you can think of your experiences as a way to connect with others and offer sympathy and understanding!
love ya :)
it does happen! has kylie told you about my insanity lately? that should make you feel better. i totally understand the feeling of one day everyone's your great friend, and the next you wish no one was around you. stinks.
I'd have to agree with you because sometimes as I talk to people, I realize that the things in life that make me the most happy (like my family) are what also make me the most busy and crazy. After having Paxton I can't help but feel anxiety WAY more than I used to.
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