Friday, September 30, 2011

Feeling Lonely

Del is gone...Kathryn is gone...Jordan and Lexi are gone...Kylie is gone...Preston is gone...Sean and Becky are gone...and I'm here...ALONE.
Rough day yesterday and today...emotionally.
Heartstrings are being tugged on...
and I'm teary.
But I like not having to socialize...but not feeling lonely.
Make sense?
Didn't think so.
Doesn't to me either...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Preston Turns 1

Happy Birthday my sweet grandson!!!
Grandma loves you....

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Happy Birthday....

Monday, September 26, 2011

The Boundary Line Is Drawn

Years ago, the boundary line was drawn in the sand. Although not drawn by me, I was forced to abide by the law the bold line proclaimed. It was not my choice but it was my pain to bare.
I've lived behind that boundary line for years and years, never once approaching it's biting sting, and as the years have sweetly passed and my life has taken different turns and paths, I have found, that once painful sting, soothingly subsided with the love and compassion of family and friends.
That boundary line, so painfully drawn years ago, has never been washed away, but I've been pondering over the past year, when that boundary line became so blurry? I guess, with the many waves of emotions and memories that washed over that boundary line, the boldness of the line slowly diminished as did the 'sting of the bite'. The pain was replaced by numbness and the hurt was replaced by sweet memories. The brick wall was torn down and the boundary lines faded quickly away.
But boundary lines have a reason and a purpose. They are to protect us...from others..from the enemy...from ourselves and our forgetfulness. Whether drawn in pain or drawn in love, a boundary line has it's time and place and under no condition, is to ever be crossed.
And so, although in recent times, the boundary line lost it's definition in my mind and heart, it is once again, boldly drawn. This boundary line holds both pain and regret.
This boundary line comes with SOME pain but not like the pain of years ago. THAT pain, of years ago, was due to a broken heart. THIS pain will be due to a healed heart that can no longer hold space for a memory of my past. It can't.
A boundary line of regret because it's drawn due to a misunderstanding that mandated the change. Regret because it COULD be different under different circumstances that at this time, do not exist. And regret, because once again, someone else had to draw it.
It is a line that will not be washed away with waves of emotion...or the 'elements of time'. No doubt, tidal waves, hurricanes and thunderstorms will hit this boundary line but will never erase its exactness in my sand.
I will have to stand firm.
But God?? I will need your help.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

To My Son

I hope today is the best...
It was 24 years ago for me.
Happy Birthday Jordan!!!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Needing to Breathe

What kind of heart doesn't look back?
Hang my head...
My burden to bare, is a love I can't carry anymore.
All I have, all I the air I would kill to breathe...
holds my love in his hands and
still I'm searching for somethin...out of breath,
I'm hoping someday
I'll breathe again.

Listening to Sara B. again

I Just Got This Feeling

There are very few people in my life that I am able to FEEL things about them either before they happen, when they happen or that they're going to happen. And I'm having that feeling.
And I don't like it...
Had it this whole week...and strongly last night.
Has my heart feeling heavy with worry...concern...loss...helplessness...anxiety.
And nothing I can...or
So...I don't.
And I see if I ever learn the 'why' or the 'what'.
Heavy heavy heart.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Family Portrait for 2011

I think this is the one that will go above the fireplace...


These others are also good ones but some of many many that I need to go through and choose which ones to put up on our 'happy wall'. And I have a large selection to choose will be a project I will try to accomplish tomorrow.
We have a

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Always Something

We've got two sick cars, one sick dog, my mother in law is on her death bed and BYU lost in football again last night. The van will be finished being fixed tomorrow...$1500 approximately..CHA CHING!! Then, the car will go in on Wednesday and will most likely cost the same amount...more CHA CHING!! Lacey has kennel cough; started two days ago and she has been coughing a terrible cough ever since. I feel so bad for her but it also causes for sleepless nights for us too. Del's mom Shirley, has been in the hospital for over a week; broke her hip and has been recovering but took a BAD turn for the worse. He even tried to talk to her the other day and she was completely incoherent - almost in a coma. He is leaving this weekend, Friday and will go to Utah to spend the week with her. The last time he went to spend some time with one of his parents, his father died on him during the visit. I'm not looking forward to this. But Del feels strongly that he needs to be up there with her. And then BYU got hammered last night by the University of Utah. It shouldn't really matter when it comes to things of significance, but it does to me. In the same sentence as my mother in law dying? No...but the next paragraph. AND, I've gained 3 pounds...
I'm going to hell...pretty sure of it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Aftermath

So, the house is once again, silent.
Our 'Empty Nester's Phase 2' has begun.
I took Kathryn over to meet Jordan and Lexi Monday morning at 6:00 so they could start their trip back to Idaho early. Only 2 minutes from the house we had to turn around to get Kathryn's blanket she left in her room. I sighed a BIG sigh.
Our van had died the Saturday before we left on the cruise, so we had only one car to get me and Del to work...we tried to fix it that night only to find that we didn't have the right today, we were once again with only one car. It's not that big of an inconvenience that I thought it would be...but enough. We're so busy though that we won't have time to get the van to the shop until next week.
But I'm enjoying being back to work...where I REALLY!! I am exhausted from our vacation. My kids wore me out!! I now need a vacation from my vacation! Our family pictures are done though so I have enjoyed looking through them and trying to decide which ones to get for our home. Plus, NFL football is in full swing and so is BYU I am one happy long as my teams are winning.
I need to share one funny side note...real funny.
The Chatterton family watched Lacey while we were gone. They have watched her once before and they love her and things went great. Well, when Del went to pick Lacey up on Sunday, he asked them how things had gone...fine...except apparently Lacey ate one of their birds. They don't have proof except for all the bird feathers Lacey had dripping from her mouth. I bust out did they...and their son Bryce, started crying when Del took Lacey home. Seems Bryce loves Lacey and wanted to keep her. Del said it broke his heart to see Bryce crying over Lacey being taken away; bird or no bird.
I guess if that was our worst aftermath from this trip, we did fairly well for our first family reunion!!!
Rest in Peace little bird...and bon appetite Lacey!!!!

Cruisin' Day 7 - and We Arrive Home

Family meeting...called by our Patriarch...

After BYU suffered their first loss to Texas...I went gambling.
What more did I have to lose????
Caught in the act....
Our last dinner on the ship...Kylie had just been karate chopped in the throat by Jordan....
And it hit us all at the same time...

Night at the Arcades........air hockey, games,

Our last sunset....

The beautiful sunset on our last night of a wonderful memory.
Last towel animal....Wally the Walrus.

Our last day/night of the cruise was spent , once again, 'at sea'. We spent the morning having a late family breakfast and then Del called a 'family meeting'. Food for almost 2 hours, we planned and talked as a family about our eating and storing food habits. Honestly, not our cup of tea as a family, but we didn't want to disappoint Del because it was important to him.
After the meeting was over, we all ordered room service, took naps, and then went and tried to watch the BYU/Texas game in the ESPN lounge...but it wasn't I watched another game and some of the US Open tennis finals while trying to catch the BYU score at the bottom of the running screen. Final score?? BYU 16 Texas 17...UGH!!! ARGH!!! I was bummed...big time.
The family went to our last dinner and took some great pictures of the sunset before deciding to spend our last evening in the Arcade Game Room. It was a blast. But after a couple of hours, we went back to our rooms to pack and get things ready for our early departure the next morning when the ship docked at 8:30.
Sunday morning came early - and we were off the ship and on our way home by 9:30, arriving home by 3:00 p.m. Spent the rest of the day feeding the family dinner and doing Kathryn's laundry so she could pack up again and leave early the next morning at 6:00 with Jordan and Lexi to Idaho to go back to school.
So...that's our Del and Marlys Lott family reunion for 2011.
Great fun...great memories and great family.
I feel very blessed.

Cruisin' Day 6

Each of us got to hold these two very large birds...
The best Mariachi Band this place had ever seen.
Momma finally got to use her Spanish and do some 'bargaining'.
We added one 'Amigo' to the Three Amigos.
The little 'hole in the wall' restaurant we found to eat lunch in.
And it WAS GOOD!!!!
The back streets of Cozumel...
A tourists ride....
any chance for a foto, we took it...
Doing some shopping.

A boot from where Del bought his new hat.
My stomping grounds brought to reality.

A little more 'bargaining' Spanish came back real quickly.

Our feet after a long day of shopping...tired...

While waiting for the best 'show night' of the cruise, the kids played BINGO.

And of course, the night ended with more ice cream...

and more games....

Towel animal for the night...Snoopy. Really, it was a dog.

Our final port of call was Cozumel Mexico....and it was, by far, the most enjoyable of days for the family. Me personally? I had a rough day.
Mexico....very much like Chile for me...and with that similarity, it brought back a lot of memories for me of my mission and certain people. I spoke Spanish most of the day in our shopping and interaction with the people; bus driver, waiter, store vendors etc. The houses, the back streets, the restaurant, the stores and the people....all of it took me back 32 years to Chile and my heart ached. I snuck away to el bano and found myself in tears for a good few minutes. I even ran across a sign that said 'Mr. Chile' on it. I found myself with heavy sighs through out the day but tried to not fall apart in front of my family. They wouldn't have understood; I barely did myself.
While the rest of the family had ice cream and played some games, I feigned weariness and excused myself to bed early where I cried myself to sleep. Just not a good time to be thinking of my past so I had to 'sleep it away'.