Tuesday, May 31, 2011

The Great Harvest of 2011

Knowing we would be 'empty nesters' we decided to only plant enough for the two of us.
I placed early dibs on the eyes and nose leaving me to only have to buy chips!!!
But if Del is REALLY nice, I'll share my feast with him.
We MAY need to supplement our 72 hour kits this year...maybe.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Memorial Day Gathering at the Graham's

Nice Memorial Day celebration at the home of my cousin Wendee Graham and her husband Scott. We had a nice turn out with great food and a lot of laughing, swimming, game playing and story telling. It was good to have my Uncle Bernie visiting here from down south with his wife aunt Nancy. Uncle Bob and Aunt Talmage were there also along with several of my cousins and their families.
Of course, my time was spent with my favorite people..Del, Kylie, Mike, Becky and Sean with our little Preston taking most of our time and attention. My sister Elaine and her family were there too, but I didn't get to hang with her much as she was inside while I was outside in the pool with my little guy.
But all in all, it was fun...long day and Del is worn out, but I was glad he was able to go and endure the long day playing games and taking pictures for us.
Kathryn drove back to Rexburg from the weekend in Cali - with a sunburn but fun pictures and memories.
Kylie cut her hair this morning and she looks adorable...quite sheik and sophisticated...
Jordan called and he and Lexi will be coming a week early in August, before the cruise, to spend some time with us here in Texas.
Nice to know, at the end of the day, that all the family is fine and accounted for.
Including our Michael.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Positive or Negative???

Today, I heard a great thought that has caused me to pause and question....
It was the following...

'Every day we are making a difference in the life of another....is it a positive or negative difference?'

As of late, I'm questioning my track record.
Especially with those that I hold dear to me.

I Remember You

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.
This is who I remember...my little angel...My little Michael Jorrell Lott.
I miss you son.
I love you Michael.

'What E're Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part'

So, who am I???
In trying to 'Act Well Thy Part' I need to first figure out the 'What E're Thou Art' part.
January 10th, 1960, I was born to Dr. Von and Sheila Packard, becoming their 6th of twelve children. I also became the sibling to Sheila, Von, Mark, Garth and Paul. I remain in this role, but have added a few more to my identity.
At age 11, I started working for my dad in his dental office. At that time, I became the 'boss's daughter' first, then I was known as the second chair side assistant. This continued until I was age 16, at which time I became known more as 'Paul's sister', or 'President Packard's daughter' as my dad was called to be in the mission presidency.
At age 18, when I graduated from high school, I went off to college where I became 'Cheryl's roommate'. Cheryl was beautiful and I was always noticed AFTER she was, if I was noticed at all. But that only lasted for a year when I then became known as 'the mission president's daughter'. Yes, I was a full time missionary, but I was first and foremost the 'president's daughter', when my father was called as the Mission President over the Chile Santiago North Mission. That 'part' was one of my most difficult roles I had to play. I didn't WANT to be the mission president's daughter...I just wanted to be a missionary and left alone. But that never happened.
When I came home off my mission, I moved in with two of my already established cousins and was known as 'one of the Packard girls', as there were quite a few of us in the apartment complex. Within 2 years, I became Mrs. Del Lott, a wife and remained that role until I then became a mother; Michael's mother first - then Jordan, Kylie and Kathryn's mother. With that role, I have worn many different 'hats'...chef, nurse, counselor, chauffeur, maid, therapist, cheerleader, teacher, friend and MOM. This was all while still being wife, companion, lover, comedian, bread winner, best possible example, favorite aunt, sister, daughter....when at my other job, I was the 'cousin of the boss' and 'niece of the owner'.
So, now that I have established who I have been in the past...
I still carry the 'title' of several of the 'parts'...some in which I am taking a more active role, others of which are on the back burner, but I still remain involved in each and every role. But in order to 'act well my part', I have to know who I am...or who I want to be. I don't think, through any period of my life, I have figured out who I am outside of being connected with someone else. I have always been someone else's someone. I've never been...just....Marlys.
So...if there were no Del..no Jordan, no Kylie, no Kathryn and no church, who would I be???
Who do I represent???
What do I represent???
It's impossible to imagine because I am who I am because of each and every one of those people. I AM Del's wife...I AM Jordan, Kylie and Kathryn's mother. I AM the daughter of Von and Sheila Packard and the sibling to Sheila, Von, Mark, Garth, Paul, Phil, Elaine, Rebecca, J.D., Rachel and Jennifer. I am a niece, a cousin, a friend, an employee, a member of a ward, a member of a community, a mother in law, a daughter in law and a grandma.
I DO belong to other people.
Because I AM a Daughter of God.
'What E're Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part'.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

So What's in a Name???

When I think back on the deliveries of each of my children, I remember the time and thought that Del and I both put in to choosing 'just the right name' for each child. It was important; what they would be known by for their whole existence, in both this life and the next. It had to be right.
Our first son we named Michael. It means 'like God'. We felt our special gift from our Heavenly Father truly was, like God. Now his middle name? Jorrell. Yes, that IS Superman's dad's name. I had never heard it until Del chose it as Michael's middle name. I realized that even though it wasn't the name I would have chosen for Michael, it was what Del wanted. So, Michael Jorrell Lott was our first son.
Our next child was another boy. Del and I were married in the Jordan River Temple...hence, our son's first name was Jordan. And since Michael's middle name had made no sense to me, I figured Jordan's name should follow the same pattern...so he was blessed Jordan Camron Lott, for no reason whatsoever.
Our first daughter's name was going to be given much more thought than either of our son's names...I insisted. So the minute I knew I was carrying a girl, I determined that she would be named Megan. I had loved the name Megan for years and since Del liked the name too, I felt we finally had a winner. But just weeks before our little Megan was due to arrive, Del heard a new song on the radio that he loved, sung by the artist Kylie Minogue. My little 'Megan' quickly changed to Kylie but I stood my ground on choosing her middle name. Thus, she was blessed and given the name Kylie ShaVon...after my parents Sheila and Von. Yes, when SHE says it, it sounds like she's African American...with a LOT of attitude!!!
By this time, I had given up even TRYING to choose our next babies name before being born. We knew we were having a girl...and she was ALL over the place in the womb. That child was flip flopping from minute one...breech one week before she was due and ultimately kicked her foot right out my vagina letting us all know, SHE WAS ON HER WAY!!! Without further details than that, she was delivered emergency C-section declaring her stubbornness and determination to do things HER way. Reminded me a lot of Kathryn in The Taming of the Shrew. She was blessed two weeks after delivery with the name Kathryn BreAnne , figuring it would give her enough possible alterations of her name in future years, just in case she didn't like the name WE had chosen for her.
In working at the Veterinary Centre, I have come across some of the most adorable, unique, humorous and perfect names for dogs and cats. Our Lacey was named such because of how she liked to chew shoe'laces' when she was a puppy. I've asked a few clients the origin of their pets name and most have been very inventive and clever...but some have been FUNNY...
Example: ?What do you get when you breed a bull dog and a shih tzu??? Thus named 'bull ****'. I know that's not the best example, but it made me split a gut....
Some of my other favorites....Moe Joe, Mercedes Beemer and Dodge, Romeo & Juliet, Larry Curly & Moe, Pablo Picasso, Leonard Michelangelo Donetello & Rafael, Mr Chips, Fluff -n- Stuff, Zsa Zsa, Oreo Doublestuff, Stoned, Mischief, Rhett & Scarlett and Skittles & Snickers.
Of course, there are the typical Muffin, Princess, Pumpkin etc for cats...and then the 'not so original' Rosco, Mutt and Jeff, Chloe, Ginger, Rover for dogs... But I have really enjoyed the one's that set me back on my heels just a little and REALLY love the one's that just bring out a 'good ole belly laugh' from me. (whether appropriate or not, I laughed at the first one).
I've decided that if I were to ever have the chance to name two dogs, I would bestow upon them the names of Speedy Gonzales and Cousin Slow Poke!!! I love those names...funny to me. Maybe I will get two fish and name them that...
Just my thoughts on names....

Hard weekend. I worked all week but I'm having a hard time emotionally with my resolve of 'moving on'. I'm wanting nothing more than to send an email.
But I started 'cold turkey' last Sunday night and have not broken my resolve to 'move on', no matter how painful and how hard it has been.
One week down....forever still to go.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Walk the Walk if You Talk the Talk

I can't work at a Veterinary Center and not make sure my own dog is healthy.
We've had Lacey for over 7 years now. For the first two years, we we're faithful and active in taking care of her and making sure she was vaccinated and on the medications that she was needing. Then, we just became neglectful...cheap...and Del being an Idaho farmer who never believed in taking animals to the vet did NOT help the situation. We ended up not taking Lacey to the vet at all.
Then I became the abusive one...feeding Lacey not just table scraps, but full blown plates of human dinner. She especially likes Italian food; spaghetti being her favorite. This has gone on for over 5 years...and it has added up to one very overweight beagle. How much???
I took Lacey in to our office today for a new doggy exam. She should weigh around 20 pounds. She weighs over 33. UGH!..But, the good news came back from her tests that we are extremely lucky in that she does not have heart worm and appears to have good eyes, ears and only ONE fatty deposit on her body. She is desperately needing an orthodontist, but since I doubt Dr. Henao would be willing to straighten Lacey's teeth for me, I will pass on putting braces on her. Lacey received all of her vaccines and shots and is ready to go for another year or so....BUT ON A DIET. I promised the vet I would not feed Lacey table scraps anymore and would, in fact, portion out her food and put her on a diet plan. The office manager was BEYOND kind and caring in offering a 6 month supply of excess heart worm medication to Lacey for free. I was really touched with the thoughtfulness of the whole office staff. They were very tender with my Lacey and very considerate of my financial situation. I feel very lucky to have such good co-workers.
Well, that's at least today...tomorrow I will blog about some of the humorous conversations going on in the office with me and the office manager, Heather...charming girl...she had three strikes with me already by lunch today but was able to start a new 'ball game' with a clean slate due to her generous gift of heart worm medicine. She is known and has proven herself to be one that tends to open her mouth and speak before thinking through the possibilities of what may come flying out...thus, her foot lands inside more often than not. FUNNY to see her recognize those embarrassing moments. You HAVE to love her because she's soooo cute. Very good office manager and friend to everyone in the office...all the staff seem to have genuine feelings of friendship and consideration for each other. It's very refreshing and makes the working conditions very comfortable and enjoyable. I'm going to love this job....I just want and need to make sure I contribute to the established ambiance.
But this afternoon, I cried for the first, of what I imagine, will be MANY times. I took the phone call...a 4 yr old beagle had snuck into his owners secret Dove dark chocolate stash and had eaten the whole 11 oz bag. I took the information to both of our doctors in the office and after giving them the weight of the dog and the amount of chocolate eaten, they both feared the results of the little escapade would be fatal to the puppy if it didn't get to our office ASAP and be forced to vomit. I insisted the owner bring the puppy right in.
When they arrived within 5 minutes, the dog, which looked exactly like my little FAT Lacey, was taken right back to the clinic where an injection was given into the leg of the dog and within literally seconds, the dog was vomiting violently on the clinic floor. It broke my heart...I cried watching him struggle to rid himself of something that brings such wonderful pleasure to so many humans and yet, was threatening to take his life.
The process was not pretty. In fact, I'm quite sure I won't have a problem resisting chocolate for years to come. And I doubt the puppy will find anything appealing about chocolate or any candy for at least...well...until the next time. After 2 hours, the owners came back to pick up a much happier and still living, pet from our office. But I was so emotional about it, realizing how close to death that adorable little beagle, that looked just like MY beagle, had come.
I think this and the many future experiences I will have with this new job, are going to make me a better and more aware pet owner.
At least, that's my intention.
Until the next time we have spaghetti.
UGH :(

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Pleasure in Simple Things

I'm enjoying settling in to my simple and uncomplicated life.
I'm loving my new job and everything I'm learning in the veterinary field. And I thought that since I had been the owner of animals for the past 15 years that I really did know most of what I needed to know. But I am learning some pretty basic things...like, dogs have tonsils. Did you know dogs have tonsils??? I didn't know dogs had tonsils. Little simple things like that are fascinating to me. I'm enjoying my schedule - although the days are long. Starting work at 7:30 a.m. really isn't that bad, but working until 6:00 p.m. is a little rough. But I have time to come home at lunch and eat left overs or a sandwich and then when I get home at night, Del and I will usually have just a light dinner, do up dishes, watch some tv and then in bed by 9:00. Wednesday's are my day off, which is perfect because it breaks up the long week, since there are many weeks I will be working on Saturday. But I'm content.
I don't take my cell phone to work but check messages and calls at lunch and when I get home. I no longer email and I post on face book at lunch and after work. My evenings are spent here on my blog. I lay out in the sun on my day off...I bought a new swimming suit yesterday...Monday is a holiday and we will be having a huge Packard family barbecue at one of the cousins houses. I am still losing weight but only a pound at a time..I'm still at a total of 38 pounds lost.
Kathryn is driving to California with one of her roommates, as we speak; a 14 hour drive. I have mixed feelings...uneasy momma feelings...so I'm praying for her safety. She has her up and down days at school but seems to be, overall, happy with where she is and what she is doing. She was calling, texting and in continual contact for the first 3 weeks or so, but has now tapered off to only missing me every 2 days or so...she's adjusting just about like I thought she would...nicely. She loves her roommates and has made a few friends but I think she was hoping for a few more spectacular moments by now. All in due time Kathryn.
Kylie and Mike are busy with Preston, of course...and their garden...and their church callings...and life is just nice and sweet for them. They are busy though. We are loving the time we do get to spend with them but realize that the busier they get and the more Del and I get established into our new jobs, the more we will be spending mostly weekends together and little DURING the week.
Jordan and Lexi are enjoying the first year of their married life. Lexi is in school right now and will graduate in July with her first degree. Jordan is not on track right now for school but will continue in the fall, so he is working several different jobs. They are looking forward to the family cruise in September as I think it will be considered as their 'honeymoon'. Bahahaha...honeymooning with the family...probably not a first in the record books.
So, every day life is continuing at a slow and casual pace...just the way I like it at my age. But it gives me the time and pleasure of enjoying the simple things in my life...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

More Tornado's; More Devastation; More Deaths

This is the tornado that hit Joplin, Missouri Sunday night while all of our men were at stake priesthood meeting. Jonathan Roberts announced after the meeting that the Stake Center had been leveled along with the Stake Presidents home, the high school and this last picture is what is remaining of the big hospital there and it's life flight helicopter. Most of the city has been obliterated and most everyone has lost their home. The death toll is currently over 125 with hundreds still missing and hundreds injured. Records from the hospital have been found 70 miles away.
My friend Dana Hicken is from Joplin; attended high school there, went to church there and her parents still live there now. Their home was spared, along with their lives. Her complete childhood has been erased in the blink of an eye.
And there have been several tornado's since Sunday night...some in Oklahoma City, in Kansas and we even had a SEVERE thunderstorm and tornado watch here last night where sirens went off and we were asked for hours to take shelter. More tornado's, more devastation and more deaths.
Today was the first day in over 12 days that we have had sunshine. And we haven't even hit the main tornado season yet...it is still several weeks away.
Causes me to pause in thought and prayers for those mourning the loss of family, homes and livelihoods. These people will never be the same. Their lives have forever changed.
I would be the most selfish of people to not be grateful for all that I have and enjoy in my life....
So I give thanks tonight for my joys and happiness that I live each day...
and pray a blessing of comfort upon all those who don't.

Party on the High Seas

The Lott Family is goin' cruisin'!!!!
We have booked our first family cruise vacation for September 4th - 11th on Carnival Cruise Lines and we are going to PAAAARRRRRTTTTAAAYYYYY!!!!
The kids are so excited they can barely stand it. Del and I will be taking all of our children and their spouses for a 7-day cruise to Jamaica, Cozumel and the Cayman Islands. There will be snuba diving, white sand beaches with turquoise blue waters, ruins to climb, open fairias to shop in, scooters to ride and hidden away islands to explore. There will be pools to 'lay out' by, drinks with umbrella's and more delicious food than you could ever imagine.
But the best part of all??? I will be hanging out with the best people in the world...my husband and my children. I can't even imagine how many laughs we will share and how many wonderful memories will be made.
It's going to be the longest next 3 months waiting for the day to arrive but there is plenty to do. We have passports to get, excursions to book , suntans to work on and final arrangements to make.
But first things first....

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

My 'Process' of Choice

After much thought, I have decided that the best way for me to overcome and put aside my addiction is to go....COLD TURKEY.

Yes, it's the hardest process...but the only way I think I can do it.

In the reading of some material I was given, it says that the only way I can accomplish this healing I so desperately need is to 'have a change of mind and thought so powerful and so strong that it changes my very way of life.' It says I need to be 'willing to commit myself to the change in every particular, regardless of the cost and suffering.'

Along with that, I then need to turn my thoughts and actions towards doing good and being good so that gradually, my other thoughts will fade from my mind. They will no longer fill my soul with anxiety and concern...I will no longer be obsessed with them. And instead of being filled with regrets of past memories, events that I am powerless to change, I will now be so busy doing and being good that I will no longer have the desire to dwell on the past. If I turn from my problems and put them behind me in both thought and action, I can then concentrate on good and positive things....joy, healing and happiness. It will no longer be a temptation for me.

So I know it will be, and has been painful. And will continue to be so. But cold turkey is the only way I think I can endure this permanent separation from my addiction. It has to be now...instant...and not just a little at a time.
So, no emails, no texts, no letters and no more contact with my friend.
It's his preference too...he's already expressed that. He's already been living that decision for weeks. It's been ME who has not been able to let go. Me, who has continued hope in a friendship.
But....cold turkey it is.
The process has started.

I Have Some Good News and Some Bad News

I think I'm a Redneck Woman.....
The problem with that is...I don't know if that's the GOOD news...or the BAD news.
I just know that it is what it is.
I'm a Redneck Woman.
How long have I known???
If I had been paying attention years ago, I would have probably recognized the earliest signs of it in Blackfoot Idaho...when my first night in Idaho, I asked Del why the cows were 'mooing so loudly'. He replied by telling me 'they were in heat.' I innocently asked, 'If they are so hot, why doesn't someone give them some water'.
My first 'missed signal'.
I don't know how many times Del or Jordan have had to ask me to 'move away from the window Marlys' while watching either the cows or rabbits 'multiply and replenish the earth'.
Another 'missed signal'.
Then there was always Lindon Utah where our backyard was a little piece of 'Redneck Heaven'...HUGE garden, chickens, roosters, puppies, rabbits, kittens, horse and lots of work to keep us busy on the farm...of course, all of us (except me) in cowboy boots was a 'dead giveaway'.
Not a 'missed signal': just not appreciated at the moment like it should have been.
And now, we're in Texas.
We started off 8 years ago with another horse and our new puppy Lacey. Having pets and loving them like we do should have been another signal...but now the whole family is riding horses (except me still), and wearing cowboy boots...and, we've picked up the Texas drawl...
The ladies at work say that I have an accent. The other receptionist has a strong southern accent and by the end of the day, I sound much like she does. I start the day sounding like I'm from Texas but end my day sounding like I'm from Louisiana!!! Or Alabama...STRONG...
Today, with an hour left of my day, a couple walked in carrying a little pet chihuahua and the wife was crying saying her dog couldn't breathe. I quickly took the animal to the back room where I turned it over to one of the doctors and then went back out to get information about the pet from it's owners. The wife was about 250 pounds and wearing a 'too small' halter top and was overflowing from about the shoulders to her belly button. The husband was at least 300+ pounds and was wearing a plaid shirt and overalls with holes in the pockets. He had a wad of 'chew under his lower lip. I tried not to show my disgust.
My southern drawl was pretty heavy at this point of the day and so as I asked them questions about their Chihuahua 'Cocoa' , the husband mentioned several times 'how nice it was to have someone from the south know how they felt about them animals they luuuuv sooo much'. I sent them several 'over the top of my glasses' looks and was grinding my teeth hard enough that I was sure I was going to need at least three new crowns.
But the clincher came about an hour later, when after the doctor determined that little Cocoa would survive to live another day, it was my turn to check them out of the office and collect payment. Of course, they had no money on them...no checks, no credit cards and 'never carried cash' on them. And they were from out of town. Suggestions were made to call someone, and they finally agreed to call his momma for a credit card # etc. While he used MY phone, he would slobber and spray and drip tobacco from the overflowing wad under his fat lower lip and the minute he would put the phone down, I would quickly sterilize it with my cleanser I had stashed under my front desk. They happened three times....with the other receptionist about ready to split a gut laughing every time I wiped the phone down. I was NOT amused.
As this was happening and they were trackin' down his momma, the topic of the weather came up. Apparently, the day before, during the BIG storm that had hit, he was driving on a road where there were two young men dressed in nice pants and white shirts and ties riding their bikes 'right down the middle of the street' and he hadn't been able to pass them. I was already the new 'topic of conversation' in the office because I'm pretty sure I'm the ONLY MORMON some of these ladies have EVER met...so here is this guy, all of a sudden talking about the Mormon missionaries like they were a novelty and all the girls and doctors are watching my face for some response while I'm pretending to work at my computer.
I'm pretty sure my nostrils are flaring and I had the beginnings of smoke coming out of my ears.
Everyone in my office DIED laughing...
I'm pretty sure this experience will be the basis of many a good laugh in the coming days.
I'm a Redneck...but I'm hoping that I'm at least an 'educated Redneck'....
I'm not HIGH class, but I hope I have a LITTLE class...
I can always hope.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Talking like the Animals

Tomorrow I will start my first full week at my new job.
Last week was a little rough for a first week...
We had to put 4 dogs down...to sleep...dead.
Geez, do you know how sad that is???
I got quite teary eyed a few times and had to really hold back the flood gates when a few pet owners lost their control emotionally.
And the girls at the office had said that one of the hardest things at the office is trying to keep the weight off as there are ALWAYS treats and goodies there as patients bring them in almost on a daily basis. Well, by the end of my day Friday, I told the girls that the only thing I had seen brought in by the patients were poop and pee samples and I wasn't THAT impressed by them! They think I'm funny. I'm making a chocolate cake tonight to take in tomorrow to show them what I expect in the future. I have lost 38 pounds now and I have no intention of putting ANY of it back on!!! So, the cake goes into work.
They have also learned that I am LDS and have started asking all the questions. This will be a fun opportunity to do some good missionary work while having a little fun with them in the process. Example...one of the girls asked what I was going to be making for dinner when I got home and I told her that 'my husbands other wife would probably have it all done by the time I got home.' Once the shock wears off, I will tell her I was kidding...probably later this week.
So, my talking like the animals will start full swing tomorrow.
I'm hoping my whining/begging skills are perfected by the end of the week. That's when I'll ask Del if I can go get a new bathing suit for the summer and upcoming pool parties.
Woof!! Woof!!!

Never To Be Fixed

Some things just have to remain broken...
they are not meant to be fixed.
That is a hard concept for me to accept, especially when I broke it.
But, I met with the Bishop again today and in our discussion, I mentioned to him how hard it is for me to not WANT to fix a situation that is damaged or broken. He said I will always WANT to fix it, but it's not fixable...it's just not meant to be fixed this time.
That's hard to swallow.
Never to be the same...
never to be whole again.
Never to be fixed.
Heavenly Father will make it okay.

Saturday, May 21, 2011


It's been 6 months since I have worked full time... and I forgot how tired I get. The past few days, since starting back to work 40 hours a week, I have been up at 6:45 am and out the door by 7:15...and start work at 7:30 and go until 6:00 p.m. with a half hour lunch. I come home, make Del and me some dinner, eat, do dishes and then I've been going to bed by 8:00, just because I can't stay awake any longer!!!
Now, I have no doubt there are others out there who work longer and harder hours than I do...I can name two people right off the top of my head. KUDOS to them!!! But knowing that doesn't make me any less tired...it just means they are men...and my hero's. I'm a 51 year old wimpy grandma!!! Plus, men don't need their beauty sleep...women do. And I need more than even most women.
So I will not be taking phone calls or face booking past 8:00 p.m. anymore. I just lost my social life and my connection to the outside world. I now understand and remember my life from before...
Probably the best thing for me right now...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The Multiple Faces of ADDICTION

Obviously, addictions come in a variety of forms and faces. Most of us would think of the 'obvious' when we hear the word addiction....smoking, drinking, drugs, sex, coffee, pornography, internet, gambling, shopping and eating...plus many more.
When reading the definition of 'addict' in the dictionary, it wasn't as specific in it's classifying of the habits...but gave the core meaning of the simple word....
'to give up one's-self- to ANY strong habit...to give assent'.

My thoughts went to certain friends and family members that have struggled with addictions for years and years. Most of the addictions they fight are that of smoking, drinking alcohol, coffee and possibly over eating. I do know a few others who have specifically one addiction here and there but not many. Their addictions have NEVER influenced my love or devotion to them as family or friends. In fact, some of them are my absolute dearest friends that I love more than any other people I know. My dear neighbor, Lisa, in Idaho was one of the best women I know of...and yet, she smoked daily..drank coffee, drank beer and was the best mom on the block. For 12 years, I would sit with her every day during the beautiful weather and as she smoked, drank and smoked some more, we would watch our children play from early in the morning until late late late into the summer nights. There was seldom a day, if ever, that I didn't carry the smell of cigarette smoke home on my clothing. Thank heavens I even LOVE the smell of cigarette's...ironic, huh?
Of course, there are some habits that I find more distasteful than others...drug use, gambling, sex and pornography and stealing. But there is no explanation as to why...just personal..
And of course, I can't overlook my own terrible addictions....those that I have known about for years and those that are just currently being 'brought to light' on my behalf.
I have always loved food...and eaten way too much of it. You combine that with laziness and no desire to exercise and you have Marlys struggling with weight issues her whole life. I have gained and lost probably over 100 pounds over my lifetime...mostly with pregnancies, but also with my desire to not pass up anything in the form of a Hershey's chocolate bar, a bag of potato chips or anything Italian, Mexican or American....pretty much covers everything, right? Yeah, I love food.
I have never had a Word of Wisdom problem...although I did, at age 3, have my first taste of beer, at age 5 smoked my first and only cigarette, and just recently had my first and last sip of wine....(don't ask). I LOVE the smell of coffee, cigarette's and you can quite often see me standing at the local 7-Eleven gas pump sniffing the gas nozzle with my eyes rolled back in their sockets. Addictions??? Um, no...but simple pleasures I try to keep under wraps.
Now...remember the definition of addict??? 'To give up ones self to a strong habit - to assent'.
My sister Elaine said something yesterday that set me back on my heels a little bit. I was expressing to her the affect that music has on me...that I am emotionally driven and/or melted to uselessness by any given song at any given time. She suggested I may need to quite listening to music for a little while. Hmm....
HUH???? HOW COULD I EVER DO THAT????!!! That's like asking me to not breathe ever 5 minutes and then start up again. Yes, I am addicted to love songs... It is such an intense part of my being that I really don't think I could not listen to ANY music... so I am considering an alternative. For a time, I may need to set aside all music that reduces me to tears...a puddle within seconds, and only listen to really up-beat and happy music that makes me want to dance. At least until I get my emotional inner balance back and can hold my tears at bay. Just a thought still in the process....
I am addicted to 'the past'...memories. Especially those that are sweet and make me smile. But in those moments, I am not living today, in the present. I am letting 'today' pass me by because I am reveling in the sweetness of all the yesterdays. So, I need to quit obsessing about memories...and make today be my 'addiction of life'. And I AM Marlys Lott...not Kylie, not Kathryn and not anyone else but Marlys. I have been addicted to living through my daughters lives. Not anymore...I am Marlys.
I still love food...but I have it under control finally. I've lost 37 pounds so far; need to lose 10 more ideally...but I am no longer addicted to certain foods. I can actually do without chocolate.
I do have other 'small' addictions right now... tanning, losing weight, blogging, and repenting...not necessarily in that order....but I'm working really hard on all of them...
One last thought...
Addictions are overcome in basically three different ways. One, cold turkey...give it up all at once all at the same time never to go back. Two, weening ones self from the habit little by little until you no longer need or desire the addiction. And three, replacing the undesired addiction with a new or better desire..'addiction replacement therapy'. All three approaches have been found to be successful in treating those with addictions. Some work better than others, depending on the person in addiction therapy.
I need to find which approach or treatment will be best for me.
Not what OTHERS think is best for me, but what I think I can endure and live through.
So, therapy starts...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Elaine: My Sister, My Friend

This is my sister Elaine.
I love her...
I have 5 sisters and I love each and every one of them....
but I love Elaine differently than the others. The others don't know that, and they don't read my blog, so I feel safe in expressing that the love I have for Elaine is different And even if any of the others were to read this, they would understand WHY I love Elaine differently.
Elaine is pure...kind...non judgemental...and compassionate. She has endured trials and heartaches that I would never want to trade her for. She is classy, elegant, sophisticated and talented. She impresses anyone and everyone she meets. She is strong, opinionated, loyal and trustworthy...
She is my friend.
And today, she was my life support.
As an observer of the past 6 months of my life, she has watched silently and fearfully as I have spiraled into oblivion carrying a continual prayer in her heart for my happiness. She has reached out several times with the careful sensitivity of timing, tact and love...waiting for the moment I would turn to her for the life line she ALWAYS has available for me.
And today, she was there to meet my reaching heart...
and she saved me...again.
The floodgates opened and she and I both wept tears from deep in our souls.
For 3 hours we spoke heart to heart...
as only sisters can...
as only friends can...
I love you Elaine.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Working 9 to 5

Just call me Dr. Doolittle!!!!
I have a new job...hired today to be the receptionist at the Allen Veterinary Center starting on Thursday.
I am sooo excited!!!!
I'm out of the dental field...can you believe that??
And I'm happy about it. This is going to be a great experience. No insurance filing, no whining patients and no awnry co-workers. These ladies are sweet and kind and I really look forward to getting to know them better. I will schedule appointments, surgeries and take payments. I will be able to love little animals and help get them better. The clinic sees only cats, dogs and birds on Wednesday. I'm so glad there are no snakes, no other creepy crawly things and I will basically be safe.
Fun huh???
The pay is not as good as my previous jobs, but the office is only 6-7 minutes from my house, the stress level is minimal compared to the responsibility before and I feel much more relaxed than ever before.
Is this perfect for my stage in life???
My schedule will be 7:30 in the morning to 6:00 p.m. 3 days a week - then some Saturday's in the morning and some Tuesday afternoons. I will work approximately 40 hours a week.
I am happy...
I am content...
I am blessed...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Humpty Dumpty Had a Great Fall

"It is seldom as easy to put something back together as it is to take it apart."
- Douglas Brinley -
"We are indoctrinated that somehow we should always be instantly emotionally comfortable. It was meant that life would be a challenge. To suffer some anxiety, some depression, some disappointment, even some failure is normal. If we have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, we should stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out."
- Elder Boyd K. Packer -

There is a great purpose in our struggles in life. We knew before we left our premortal home that we would go through experiences that would help us develop each facet of our character. Some are easy and accomplished without much struggle or discomfort. Then there are others, that in the refining of said facet, the process is painful, heart breaking and almost more than we can bare. It is those facets that tend to be the most brilliant, allowing our 'diamond' character to shine as God intended; sparkling and illuminating.
Whether it is our mental, physical, spiritual, social or emotional character that is 'tried' the most, it is THAT one in which we will find the most value in the end.

It is not lost on me that Humpty Dumpty fell off his brick wall. Personal significance.
And it was a long and hard fall...breaking him apart; breaking his heart.
We all have our falls....from different places and from different heights.
And even though 'all the kings horses and all the kings men' couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again, we each need to get back up, brush ourselves off and look to put ourselves 'back together again'.
I will certainly need more than just myself to complete that task, but...
I can be 'put back together again..'
I will be whole again.

Roller Coaster of MUSIC

Music does that to me.
Probably the only thing in the world that can reduce me instantly to tears.
Has always been such a powerful force in my life...touched me to the core of my soul.
Of course, being a singer, it has even more of an influence in my life than for most other people, but happen to know that music can, and does, have the same profound touch in others lives as it does in mine.
It takes me to the highest of my joyful highs and can take me to the depths of my deepest despair.
It triggers any and every emotion I feel...instantly.
So....I write to music.
I choose my music carefully, depending on what I need to say....and how I need to say it.
I choose my music depending on how I want or need to feel...
I choose my music depending on who I am thinking about and what I want to say to them.
Most usually, my music is chosen by my heart.
When my heart is happy, I listen to Carpenters, or ABBA...rock -n-roll or music that just makes me smile.
When I am stressed, I listen to Boston, Eagles, Foreigner, Journey or something that makes me jam.
When content and at peace, I listen to Celine Dion, Michael Buble or country...
And when my heart is broken, I turn to Barbra Streisand, Sara Bareilles, Lionel Ritchie and Josh Grobin..or any love song that opens up the flood gates...
and I cry.
And the roller coaster ride is always intense....whether joyful or sorrowful, it's always intense.
My heart set to notes, staffs, rhythms and words.

Spiritual Cleansing Brings the Beginning of Peace

I had a beautiful interview with my Bishop yesterday.
NOW the real healing can begin.
In expressing to him the difficulty I am having with my thoughts and heart letting go of some pain, hurt, desire and love , he explained how this process is going to take a little more time than I was hoping it would. I would sure love a 'quick fix' of this pain...this hurt..this past memory. But he said one of the hardest emotions to release is love, especially when mixed with hurt, pain and memories.
Big sighs....and I was hoping for immediate peace. I do have more peace at this point and time than I probably deserve...and after visiting with the Bishop, I do have release of some heavy burdens. But oh, I was hoping for an immediate erasing of....all the rest.
But it will come.
Some of his thoughts were intense...and enlightening...about how when our lives, both heart, mind and soul are consumed with something for any length of time, it will take a sufficient amount of time to release ourselves from those same things until peace can come. Sometimes, we are not able to completely remove that love, or pain or hurt from our hearts and lives...but then, we have to turn the rest over to the Savior for the Atonement to give us the lacking wholeness we seek.
I hope the Savior can handle my past 32 years because I'm not sure I can be completely whole on my own.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

A Sharing of Secrets

I had a job interview this morning and then I stopped by Kylie's house to visit, as she was just minutes away.
This lovely girl lightened my heart today. Without judging, without questions, without scorn or criticism, she let me, her mother, pour my heart out and lighten my heavy load about specific things....
and she just listened.
Then, it was her turn and I listened as she also shared some of her concerns and secrets too...and we laughed, we cried and we felt a communication between our hearts that was warm and uplifting.
Several hours later, as I was driving away from her home, I thanked a loving Heavenly Father for Kylie's good heart and loving comfort she gave me.
Such a lovely girl, inside and out.
I love you Kylie.
And thank you...

quote I loved today:
"Forgiveness comes when you give up the hope that you can change the past".

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Almost There

I'm watching the Oprah Show today and it's her last show about losing weight. Over her 25 years of being on tv, she has struggled up and down with her weight and had at least 40 shows about others with weight problems too.
It's more than about food...it's about emotions, about problems in our lives and how we manage those problems.
If you can answer the following questions, in an honest way, then you are ready to lose weight.
Why am I over weight?
Why do you want to lose weight?
Why haven't you been successful to date?

Although I have started a diet and lost, so far, 36 pounds, I haven't really taken those three questions and answered or addressed them yet. And in order to make sure this time will be successful, I have to answer those questions...and analyze them so that the answers will be sufficient for me to know how to keep this weight off.
I did list the timing in my life of this needed change.
Last year, I turned 50 and when I went to the doctor for my annual check up, I was weighing 196 pounds, my cholesterol was 240 and my triglycerides were at 596, and they should be below 100. I became a grandmother for the first time, I was for seeing my near future of being an 'empty nester' when Kathryn was going to leave for college. I was, for the first time in my life, fired from my job of over 6 years and felt humiliated and frustrated. I had a son getting married and then during ALL of this, Jeff re-entered my life in November.
The reason I mention all of these things is because, they truly are what triggered me to want to lose the weight. The desire is there because of all these reasons, BUT, in order for me to KEEP it off, I need to answer those three questions honestly and thoughtfully and make the necessary changes in my life to stay healthy.
So, even though I've started, I'm not THERE yet...almost there.
And once I AM there, I will take pictures and post them.
So, continuing on....

Monday, May 9, 2011

Different, But Okay

My first Mother's Day as an empty nester.
Did I like it?
It was different, but okay.
I had to have company at the house...I needed to feed SOMEONE...so I invited Sean and Becky (with Becky's brother Daniel) and then of course, Mike and Kylie and my adorable grandson Preston. It made for the special day to be tolerable. How do you have Mother's Day as an empty nester??? Which just reminded me...OH MY GOSH...I made Mother's Day all about me and forgot to call my OWN mother yesterday!!!! I'm such an idiot...a very selfish idiot!!! Guess I better call her today...stupid Marlys!
Kylie and Mike gave me two nice movies and Becky and Sean brought me gorgeous flowers. Del took me out to dinner Saturday and we had spent a fun day together over at Kylie's and then doing some shopping for new phones for the house. Jordan had called and of course Kathryn called and I had nice visits with all my kids...very fun.
And our little Preston crawled..he has been 'army' crawling, but yesterday, he actually crawled the right way and now can't crawl the other way anymore.
Plus, my little Primary kids sang in Sacrament Meeting for their mommy's and they did such a great job. I was proud of them. I love my calling in the Primary. Those children make me smile, even laugh at times. They bring me a lot of joy.
I have a few job interviews this week....one really hopeful one. I'm needing to start work as soon as possible; be busy again. I am feeling so much better about my life than even 4 days ago. It's amazing how unloading some heavy burdens and re-focusing your heart and mind on the things of eternal value and worth, can give you new hope and renewed vision of my future. I still have much to do and much to change, but my heart and will are in the right place now which makes it a more desirable goal.
Starting to experience some much needed peace, resolve and hope. I've had to set aside some desire and need to have complete closure with certain people understanding the complete story..basically wanting to 'have the last word', but have realized that it won't help and it won't make things better or change what their thoughts are. So, I have to let it go - leave it alone. So not like me...but it has to be that way.
Looking forward to good things....

Saturday, May 7, 2011

To: Me From: Me

The gift I give myself this year for Mother's Day:
I give my husband my heart...my fully healed and devoted heart.
I give my children their mother back...happy, thoughtful and available to nurture and love them through all situations.
I give myself renewed health - follow doctor's orders, continue to lose weight, eat properly and get enough sleep to give me sufficient strength throughout the day.
I give myself no thoughts of who I was but who I am now becoming.
I renew my covenants with my Father in Heaven and devote my desires, my humble heart and my service to His works.
I gift myself joy - wholeness - peace - calm - closure - contentment - desire - laughter - and love.
And I gift to all those I love, the same.

Saying Goodbye - Forever

To the few who will know what this post means, please understand that it is with the most heartbreaking of feelings and emotions that I write this post.
But I have finally, after much thought, tears, hurt and peace come to the closure I have much needed, to put certain people and events in my life in their appropriate place....
...in the past.
Many of you had ached and cried for me as you have seen me walk down this very difficult, and at times, very dangerous road of 'my past'. It has been a very enlightening journey for me to see myself in and on a path that I never imagined I would find myself on. I have struggled to the core of my being with emotions, thoughts and memories that I had long ago buried but never fully resolved and when faced with those same emotions, thoughts and memories, I was completely and totally thrown from my balance.
I take full responsibility for the past 6 months. I wasn't ready - I wasn't prepared - and I certainly wasn't resistant. I was lost. Totally lost. And I had a heart that was very much compromised.
But this isn't meant to be a confessional. In fact, it much the opposite.
It is meant to be a closure to a part of me that has finally, after 32 years, been resolved.
Not a peaceful resolve, but a closure that could only happen the way it has in order for it to be permanent. Any other way would leave it open to only another possible heart break.
So while the ending of this long saga is currently painful, I know that with obedience to God's commandments, a repentant heart, much love from family and friends and a willingness to let the past be the past, I will move on to live a very happy and fulfilling life.
So, goodbye to Arica, Chile...goodbye to stolen kisses...and goodbye to the songs that rip my heart to pieces.
And thank you...to all of you who have not judged me, hated me and left my side during this most difficult time in my life.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Such a Busy Day for Such a Little Guy

Teaching Lacey how to 'roll over'.
Teaching Lacey how to 'play dead'.
Lunch break - needs energy for his big afternoon.
Piano lessons start young these days...
Turning the page....
Learning how to read music...up close...
Playing by memory...perfect!
Mommy giving some last minute instructions.
Grandpa comes out of his office for a piggy back ride.
Grandpa needed some exercise...
and Lacey needed to be walked....
Finally time to go in...getting dark.

I'm sure glad this little guy came over to help out around here.
I don't know how we would have gotten it all done without him.
But he's wearing us out with his busy schedule.
We've got to slow him down a little or grandma and grandpa will need to take a vacation.
Love you Preston. Thanks for your visit!!