Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Reality Hits Hard

Both my parents suffered discomforts over the past week or two.
Apparently, my mother had a severe coughing fit and my daddy ended up taking her to the emergency room because she could no longer breathe.
Then my daddy suffered a fall on their front porch, either passing out or tripping, we're not sure which, and falling into the concrete pillar, steps and door. I don't know all the details, but he ended up with a gash on his forehead, broken and cracked ribs and then pretty sore from head to toe. Of course, I heard about NONE of this until today, when I got on my email and read a message from my oldest brother Von asking if there were volunteers to help with putting up a railing for outside on the steps and then some other improvements to the house to assist my parents in their getting around more easily. Needless to say, I WAS STUNNED. Then I was MAD that it had been assumed that all of us who live away from my parents even knew what had happened to either of them.
It is really difficult living away from Utah in the first place...but then, to not find out about things of significance when they happen leaves me feeling very useless and helpless. I even talked to my mother twice this week...and she said nothing. Even those in Utah didn't find out for a few days until my parents went to the wedding of my nephew and my daddy's injuries were noticed by a few of my siblings. I'm wondering how they'll inform us of their deaths....TEXT MESSAGE???!!!
AARRGGHH!!! Can you tell I'm irritated??? I'll agree, I don't need to know everything...but come on guys, you DO need to share severe discomforts and set backs.
Then Becca tells me that at the wedding luncheon that same day, of which my parents were 20 minutes late for because they had fallen asleep and couldn't wake up (which was the first clue something was REALLY wrong - they are NEVER late for ANYTHING unless they are 10 minutes EARLY, which THEY consider late)...anyways...Becca said daddy appeared totally disoriented...confused...could barely eat without having his mouth right down in his plate, he couldn't raise the food to his mouth. She said she watched him struggle and her thoughts were so distressed over him...
Big sighs. My daddy is 85...my mother 80. I don't like the reality of this picture laid in front of me. I don't want to hear my reality, that my parents are aging...old even. And that over the past two years, the decline has been rapid and noticeable to us all. More than anything, I don't want my mind to tell me that the dream I had two weeks ago of my daddy passing could very easily become my reality in the near future, and that the random discussion I had with Del three nights ago about the financial arranging we would need to make in order for both of us to attend my daddy's funeral all have me a little UNNERVED!!!!!
So I cried today, thinking of a forth coming phone call and then probable trip to Utah for a funeral, of either my mother or daddy. Neither would be preferable.
But reality tells me...it won't be long now.
Reality sucks.

If Only It Were THAT Easy!!!!


'I'm gonna wash that guy right out of my hair...'
Yeah...right....

Anyways...the last time I colored my hair was the beginning of April and boy, it didn't last NEAR as long as it used to. I was gray again by the middle of May!! Of course, there were additional contributing stress factors this time to the gray returning faster than usual, but still....this coloring better last until I at least go on our cruise in September.
Or, at least until I wash THAT guy completely OUT of my hair....

Mother/Daughter 'JAMMIN" Session!!!!





No better way to spend my day off than to make homemade raspberry freezer jam with Kylie. And oooohhh...it's GOOOOOOD!!!!!
Like mother, like daughter, we 'picked' all through the process and licked every single bowl spotless clean. We ended the project on a sugar high, but very pleased with our results. I will make homemade bread tonight before Del gets home so he can enjoy our 'day's labor' with one of his favorite things...homemade bread and jam...
Thanks Ky for your help and all the fun...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

My First Staff Meeting

I can't say that I wasn't warned....
but I had NOOOO idea that my first staff meeting would be sooo...
good!!!
Ha! No, really, it WAS good. Of course, it helps that we have a great staff, we had good food and everyone was in a pretty good mood.
Our office manager, Heather, had ordered food from Jason's Deli and then had a thorough, yet short agenda which gave us time to do some actual socializing at the end.
It was what you would call....short, sweet and to the point.
I'll be honest....being Mormon and raised with hundreds and hundreds of meetings, I actually waited and anticipated the meeting either opening or closing with prayer. I looked around once or twice to see if maybe I would see my Bishop conducting but when I finally realized I wasn't at church but in the comfort of my new surroundings of employment, I accepted that there would be no 'blessing on the food' or 'Praise the Lord hallelujahs' in response to the planning of a summer potluck lunch next month.
Apparently, staff meeting are held once a month. I will try to take a picture next month - maybe a 'before and after' shot, hoping that we compare nothing to the picture I found of their 'last month' meeting (shown above)...
Bahahaha...kidding....that was taken the month before!

Buried With All the Rest of the Garbage

Somewhere, at the bottom of that landfill, lies a diamond necklace, diamond earrings, letters, cards, pictures, an Abraham Lincoln calendar, a Pink Floyd t-shirt, a baby blue colored model Mercedes Benz and a very broken and abused heart.
It's all there...buried with the rest of the garbage.
Nothing left.

My Place in the Brick Wall

At one time, I was tearing the wall down...one brick at a time.
Now...?
My name is on each and every brick of the wall...
I AM the wall.

Monday, June 27, 2011

I'ts Only a Matter of Time










His daddy walked at just over 10 months.
His momma walked at 9 months.
He turns 9 months this week...on Wednesday.
It's just a matter of time before this child just let's go of this little train, or the coffee table, or the side of the couch and just walks right by his parents and out the front door.
Then he'll be questioning 'what's for dinner?' and 'if he can have the keys to the car?'
It's all happening so fast....too fast.
He's sooooooo adorable I could just eat him up.
Lovin' my grandson!!!
'Grandma loves you Preston!!!!!'

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Sara Bareilles




This is my new favorite singer...Sara Bareilles.
She is AMAZING...and extremely talented.
I love her voice, I love her songs, I love her talent.
She is GOOD.
Now, she is no Barbra Streisand, who is, in my opinion, still the best female singer of ALL time...as far as quality, breath support and overall talent. Celine Dion is next - same thing - quality, breath support and talent. Then, there are the following that I clump together as talented and very good...but just not Barbra or Celine... Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Karen Carpenter, Anne Murray and now...Sara Bareilles. There really aren't, in my opinion, (which means squat to most people), very many other women who are worth mentioning. I can barely stand any of the new popular singers...I think their talent is much assisted by technology and acoustics...not pure...and certainly not true to tone.
But Sara has made my list...my very picky list.
And I LOVE her. There are very few of her songs that I don't like and even fewer that don't just reach right down to the core of my soul and touch the most inner part of my being. And she writes them herself...she plays her own piano...her own guitar and sings her own songs. She has talent flowing from head to toe on her beautiful persona.
If you can't tell...I'm a fan.
If you readers get a chance, listen to her following songs....they are my favorites.
Gravity....The whole Kaleidoscope Heart CD...Morningside...and many others.
I will be using some of her songs in some of my blogs as her lyrics are amazing...and are perfect for some of the moods I am in most often...
Love LOVE me some Sara Bareilles!!!!

Allowing 'Love to Live'

Quote of the week:
'Hate, resentment and anger are parasites that feed off the heart until there is nothing left for love to live on...'

I had a good week...at work, at home and in my mind and heart.
Working at staying focused on my future.
I'm healing...and slowly allowing the holes and wounds to be replaced with love and peace.
Someday soon, I'll be whole again.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Crowned Royalty - King Jimmer







About three months ago, after the NCAA basketball season, I was about the only person around who remained a loyal and devoted Jimmer Fredette fan. Everyone else was pretty much 'Jimmered out'.
In talking of the upcoming NBA draft, I will admit, I was probably a little TOO Jimmer enthusiastic, proclaiming adamantly that he would be drafted in the top three. Why not? After all, he had won just about every NCAA award there was, including the 2011 National Player of the Year and he was on EVERY ESPN headline news report and talked about in every sports circle in the nation, if not the world. EVERYONE knew who Jimmer Fredette was and is....
My son in law Mike and my nephew Sean, both mouthy little snot nosed sports know- it- alls (and that is said with the utmost amount of love and respect for their knowledge of every thing played with a ball), claimed that this crazy old broad was nuts...that Jimmer would be lucky to go in the top 20, if in the first round at all. I was MAD - hopping MAD....but I was also afraid they might know a little more than my devoted BYU heart knew about the NBA draft. All i knew was that Jimmer was good. I thought so, obviously the nation thought so, and so did a few other people in the sports world think so...but I didn't know the draft.
So, the bet was made. I played it safe, betting that Jimmer would go in the top 10. If I was wrong, and he went after, I would have to buy the two 'smart mouthed show off's' dinner of their choice. But, if by some miracle 'of the heart' and Jimmer was taken in the top 10, I would be eating lobster with two of my favorite men.
Can you guess???? CAN YOU GUESS!!!????
Can you say 'lobster dipped in dripping butter on Friday night?'
In tonight's 2011 NBA draft, Mr. Jimmer Fredette was taken #10 by the Sacramento Kings!!!!!
Jimmer was finally crowned royalty...a King, in every sense of the word.!!!!!
And I screamed like none other and jumped around like a silly school girl in front of my little 19 inch t.v.!!!! I couldn't be happier!!!!
So, my new favorite team for the upcoming NBA season will be, of course, the Sacramento Kings. A heartfelt 'good luck' to Jimmer and congratulations to him and his family for all their hopes and dreams finally coming true.
Thanks Jimmer... for making us loyal and devoted BYU fans proud...
I'll think of you as I enjoy my Friday night dates and my delicious lobster!!!
I owe you one....

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

For Only Two????


I LOVE spaghetti. I don't know why, but I always have...since I was little.
Years and years and even ONE MORE years ago, I remember going to a church 'road show' where my older brothers and male cousins sang this adorable song about spaghetti. I only remember part of the words and some of the dance they did, but I will never forget thinking that I loved spaghetti and now there was a song about it.
I made spaghetti for dinner tonight...with meatballs...even better. But even with as much as I love spaghetti, we're going to be eating this for a long time. I have GOT to figure out how to cook for only two. And really, for only one and a half cuz I have got to quit eating so much.
I posted the following on face book today...'has anyone lost 3 pounds recently? because I got on my scales this morning and I FOUND THEM...take them back!!!'.
Yeah yeah...I've gained three pounds!! I've been slacking a little since starting my new job. I knew I would...It took me a LONG time to lose those three pounds and only about two weeks to gain them back. Funny thing that way, huh? So, back to strict discipline...which means...not cooking so much, not eating so much and not losing focus again...I have to lose 10 pounds by our family cruise Sept 3rd. I can do it....
Cooking for only two...
How does one do that???

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Remember Me??? I'm Married to You!!!


The next chapter in the book I have been reading demands attention in my marriage.
It's title is 'The Couple Connection' and it's main theme focuses around the thought of the question, 'How connected are we as spouses?'
The first question asked is 'are you content with your current connection with your spouse?'
Well...no. Not content...it could always be better. But how?
'If nothing changes, nothing will change'. We cannot continue to behave towards one another as we have been and expect anything to be different.
So SOMETHING has to change.

The following quote from President Spencer W. Kimball is my answer....
'More marriages die from neglect than from sin. To love someone has little to do with being IN LOVE with them.'
Too many of us confuse proximity with togetherness...
...we confuse listening with hearing...
...talking with communicating...
...intentions with actions...
...sex with affection
...physical affection with intimacy

I have been neglecting Del, which in turn, has caused him to focus his attentions towards other more righteous things. He has lost the need for a wife because he has had to do without one for so long and now depends mostly on himself and the Lord.
I need to reconnect with my sweet husband. I need to be his wife again...his companion.

So, first things first...
"Touch good-bye and touch hello', meaning that when he leaves the house for an extended time, I should find him and 'touch' good-bye. And when he gets home after being gone, I should find him and 'touch' hello.
Call him from time to time...just to say hello.
Pray together...
Tell him, 'I love you' in a way that HE appreciates..."Do unto others as they would like it done unto them.'

These actions will start immediately...
...okay...it's 10:45 p.m....I'll start...
tomorrow.

I'm Making a Movie


This question was asked of me today....

'If you could delete any moment in your life, what would you delete?'

Of course, I asked specifics...'do you mean a day? a time period? an experience? a memory? a person? erase it? replay it? or completely delete it?'
The details were left up to me.

I've thought about it all day. I've talked about the idea of a 'delete' button before...how nice it would be to be able to use that button at any given time, in any given moment.
How would I choose??? Age 8-11 being sexually abused, the death of my son Michael, my mission, moments of bad choices, hurts, pains, disappointments, betrayals, lies, loneliness, embarrassments or health issues. How would I choose between those and a multitude of others????
Now, at the end of the day, I have come to a conclusion.
As much as I would like to, life is not meant to be deleted; not a single moment of it.
Would I like a 're-do' on some choices and moments?
YES....
Would I want them 'deleted'? Only in desperate moments. But all in all, each part of my life has to remain just 'as is' in order for my movie to be mine.
So...no delete buttons...no rewinds...no replays....and no erasing.
When my movie is played back in the next life for the whole world to see, it will play back just as it happened the first time...no curtain calls and no applause...no standing ovations and certainly no encores. There will be many who will 'walk out' of my life's story, just like they have the first time around, but there will also be many who will stay to the running of the 'credits' and until the last song is sung.
It's MY movie...and I choose to leave no parts 'on the cutting floor'.
It plays as is....

She Is What She Is

No matter how cute she is...
no matter how sad she is....
no matter which side you see her from...
no matter how much she makes you smile...
no matter how sorry you feel for her...
no matter if she makes good choices or bad....
no matter if she has lots of friends or only one friend to her name...
no matter if she's famous, or has no leading role....
no matter if she is loved or completely forgotten...

No matter how you look at Eeyore....
she is still a jackass.

It's so lonely being a Jackass...

A Little Disappointed

Kathryn has had a rough few days...
and she's a little disappointed in her friends, her circumstances and herself.
My words of encouragement can only go so far when they are sent from over a 1000 miles away and she can't feel the hug I sent with them.
Just remember Kathryn...
manana is another day....

Monday, June 20, 2011

Everything in Life is a.....


Every day we make choices....we make decisions...we take chances...we take risks.
Sometimes we win and celebrate our joy.
Sometimes we lose and grieve in our loss.
A few quotes I read today that I ....liked.

'To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.'

'It is a risk to love. But what if it doesn't work out? AH....but what if it does.....'

'Love is a risk - Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. Whether it's right or wrong, misery or joy, love has no space for mistakes - only lessons.'

'Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.'

The Heart That Bleeds



My niece wrote the following on her face book page today....

'If Cupids arrow can't reach his heart, bullets should do the trick'.

I laughed, and cried...at the same time.
If she only knew.
I replied to her with the following statement...

'Aim straight and shoot to kill.'

Sadly, I DO know...from experience.
And life goes on.

Not Today, I Don't....


And it's only Monday.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Father's Day





I tried to dress up for Father's Day and look nice for the occasion. Del took a few pictures for me. Kylie came to our ward to spend some time with Del and brought our sweet little Preston with her. Then she and Mike joined us for dinner before heading home around 8:00 tonight. A nice day with each of Del's children giving him the due love and respect he deserves on this special day.
A nice Father's Day to honor each of the men I love.